Top Ten Don'ts On What NOT To Do In The Theater

Tom and I took the kids to see Puss in Boots. It was a good movie, though not as entertaining as Shrek. While in the theater, it got me thinking about things NOT to do while seeing a movie.

Oh, and PS, I really wish Natalie would stop saying, “I got to see the pussy movie!” It’s Puss in BOOTS, dear. PUSS in BOOTS.

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10. Don’t keep getting up. If you have a weak bladder, please sit on the ends of the aisle.


9. Don’t throw popcorn. I’m mainly talking to teens here and some immature adults. (Hi, Andy Dick.)


8. Don’t gush over the new Twilight movie if the preview comes on. Especially if you’re over 30. It’s frightening and scares people like me.


7. Don't get popcorn without butter. Okay, okay. I get that there are health conscious people out there. Or folks who don’t like butter on popcorn (!) But to me, popcorn without butter is like eating Styrofoam. I ask for extra butter and even then it doesn’t always feel like enough.


6. Don’t let your child ask continuous questions. You might think they are cute but other moviegoers will not. Tell the child to hush until after the movie. Same with if your kid is crying or whining. A couple of minutes is fine. Over ten is rude, even if it’s a children’s movie. The good kids would like to watch it in peace, thank you.


5. Don’t eat my nachos. I’m talking to you, Natalie. I spent 4.50 for you to have your own kids meal complete with your own popcorn and fruit snacks. The nachos are mine.


4. Don’t mess with your cell phone during the movie. The lighted screen in the dark room is distracting. I’m like a moth; my eyes will go directly to it. If you’re expecting a call, going to the movies might not be the best idea.


3. Don’t sit in front of people if there are plenty of empty seats in the room. Especially if you have A) big hair B) think we’re in England and are sporting a large hat, and C) have a baby.


2. Do not bring your five and under kid to rated R movies. You would not BELIEVE how many children I see in inappropriate movies. I remember my best friend Jennifer and I going to see a creepy M Night Shamalala movie and some family walks in with a kid who looked no older than three. I don’t care if said child likes any movies. Please don’t traumatize them. I KNOW having kids makes it harder to see movies. Trust me, I usually get to see about 5 a year and that’s if I’m lucky. But it’s a sacrifice you’ll have to make. Bring a tiny kid into a slasher movie and don’t be surprised if you get the judgmental looks.


1. Don’t talk during a movie. When Tom and I went to see The Hangover, there was this annoying woman who had to comment on every little thing. Yes, we KNOW Bradley Cooper is attractive, yes, that really IS a tiger in the bathroom, and yes, that IS THE Mike Tyson. Shut your trap. This isn’t church.