Ahem Ahem Ahem

Ahem Ahem Ahem Tom went.

He said his throat was sore and he was just trying to clear it.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

It wears on ones nerves to hear this noise for over an hour, let me tell you.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom,” I said, my voice tense. “Can I get you something? A Halls? A Ricola?” I wanted to add, “A sock down your throat so you’ll shut up for two seconds,” but that probably would have been insensitive. The poor guy was sick. But at the same time, the poor guy was seriously irritating the crap out of me.

“It’s just my throat,” Tom said from the computer. “Ahem ahem ahem. I’m trying to clear it.”

“Obviously it’s not working. Just go suck on a Halls or get some soda,” I suggested.

It was quiet for a few minutes. I enjoyed the silence as I sat on the floor. Natalie was doing my hair. And by doing my hair, I mean she was practically pulling it from its roots with her toy Princess brush. But whatever. It was keeping her quiet. I tried not to whimper as she twisted my hair into her plastic curling iron.

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom!” I yelped at the same time Natalie pulled some of my hair free with her pretend flat iron.

“What?” Tom answered.

“The aheming is really getting annoying. Could you stop? Doing that won’t clear your throat. Natalie, precious, be gentle. I’d like to have some hair left by the time you’re done.”

“No, I can’t stop. My throat hurts,” Tom whined.

“I’ll make you some soup,” I offered.

“I don’t care for soup.”

He’s the only person I’ve ever met who doesn’t CARE for soup. Who doesn’t care for soup? Soup is like a warm hug when you’re ill.

“Please take a Halls,” I begged.

“Don’t need one,” Tom insisted and then sneezed all over the keyboard. Ew. Did he miss the memo about sneezing into the crook of your elbow?

After I cleaned the keyboard with a Clorox wipe, I went to unload the dishwasher. As I was bent over, Tom came up behind me and started humping my back. Seriously, men have GOT to have a signal in their brain that goes off the second a woman has her ass in the air.

“Hi,” Tom said suggestively. I can almost bet he was wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

I pushed him away gently. “You’re sick,” I said. “I can’t afford to be sick so there will be no sex until you’re better.” Unlike him, I can’t lounge around on the couch and stay on the computer for hours when I’m ill. I once tried to rest on the couch when I had a massive headache and a stuffed up nose and Natalie sat on my face. She didn’t understand the concept that Mommy needed to rest.

“I’m really not sick,” Tom insisted. “Ahem ahem ahem.”

I took a step back. “Gross. You are sick. We can resume...relations when you’re better,” I promised.

“But I’m not...ahem ahem ahem!” Tom rubbed his throat.

I dug into the cupboard and pulled out a bag of Halls. “Take one. For my sanity. Take one now.”

He popped one in his mouth but it didn’t help much.

He was still aheming an hour later.

When Lost was on.

I cannot have distractions during Lost.

I was in the middle of trying to figure out what was going on when..

Ahem Ahem Ahem

“Tom! No noises during Lost!”

“I can’t help it! Ahem ahem ahem.”

“Do you see that man on the TV, Tom? His name is Richard. He never ages. I really need to watch this so I can figure out why this is. So shhhh.”

AHEM AHEM AHEM

It seemed like he was only getting louder.

“Say, how about we tuck you into bed?” I said.

“Are you trying to get rid of me? Ahem ahem ahem.” Tom tried to puff his lip out but as soon as he did, he started coughing wildly.

Oh yuck. I’d have to sanitize the entire house.

Tom thankfully decided to head off to bed though. Of course he tried to seduce me but phlegm is not really sexy. So I passed.

When I came to bed later, I prayed that Tom would be silent so I could get some sleep.

I closed my eyes.

I was about to drift off…..

AHEM AHEM AHEM

Yeah. It was a long night.