The Twilight Crazies

So I was outside the other day watching Natalie drive her Power Wheels Barbie car around in the driveway. She’s a frightening driver. She totally thought it was funny to collide into my legs. I think I’m going to be afraid when she’s sixteen.

Some of the neighborhood ladies were outside and I waved politely at them. Then I nearly fell on my face because Natalie rammed her car into me.

“Shit!” I shrieked and then quickly corrected myself. “I mean...shoot. Natalie, we don’t run into people. It’s rude.” Not to mention against the law.

The neighborhood ladies must’ve wanted to check that I still had functioning feet so they wandered over. There were two of them and I was slightly distracted by the fact that they both had neatly brushed hair. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I had brushed my hair before stepping outside but you’d never know it because it’s so unruly. I could already feel some strands poke out from my ponytail.

“Are you okay?” the blond asked sympathetically.

“It looked like she got you pretty hard,” the brunette added.

“I’m okay,” I said even though I knew I’d have a gigantic bruise. I hate that I bruise so easily. It’s not exactly stylish to have disgusting blue and purple circles going up your legs. This is why I rarely wear shorts.

“So tell her what you told me,” the brunette urged the blond.

The blond clasped her hands together as though she had a fantastic secret. “I scored tickets to New Moon!” She looked at me expectantly.

For a brief second I had no idea what she was going on about. New Moon? What’s a New Moon? Was that a new band or something? I’m so out of the loop with current bands. I just found out that The Fray was a band—for the longest time I thought it was a restaurant that served a variety of soups.

But then I knew what she meant.

New Moon. The second Twilight movie. The second Twilight movie that isn’t released until November.

“Yikes.” The word slipped out of my mouth before I thought about it. It just….CAME OUT. Plus I felt duped. I totally thought the blond had something interesting to say. Like…Michael Phelps was coming to the base to offer swim lessons for kids or that The Office was going to be filmed in Wyoming now which meant there was a good possibility of bumping into John Krasinski.

But no. I get told that she’s already bought tickets for a movie that doesn’t even come out for two months.

Still, maybe she got the tickets for her kids. Maybe her kids are the ones that are into the whole Edward thing that I don’t seem to comprehend.

I realized that the two mothers were gaping at me and this is when I remembered about uttering the whole “yikes” thing. This is probably why I don’t have a lot of friends. I tend to go off into space and say things that aren’t entirely appropriate.

“Well, I imagine your kids will be happy,” I corrected myself. I knew she had two older girls one of whom has called my son a baby and nearly got the hose sprayed on her because of it.

The blond burst out laughing. “Oh, the tickets aren’t for my kids,” she guffawed.

Oh.

Well.

I didn’t know what to say to that.

“That’s...cool...” I choked out.

“Did you see that New Moon trailer that leaked on the Internet?” the brunette wondered. “Apparently it wasn’t meant to be shown because they wanted to air it on the VMAs.”

“The….VMAs?” I echoed stupidly.

The brunette looked stunned. “The VMAs! You know, the Video Music Awards?” She was staring at me as though I had a giant booger on my cheek.

Of course I know what the VMAs are. Of course. I just…don’t exactly watch them because most of the music of today gives me a headache. I mainly stick to oldies because I can actually hear the lyrics. (On my iTunes list? Songs from The Beach Boys, The Beatles, The Crystals, The Everly Brothers, and Tom Petty…)

“That Jacob is a hottie with an H!” the blond cooed.

I started to squirm. Isn’t the actor who plays Jacob like 17? And the blond was in her late thirties. That just seemed….weird…I mean, I get a little uncomfortable liking Michael Phelps because he’s three years younger than I am. I feel like I’m totally robbing the cradle.

“Oh, I know. He almost makes me want to go Team Jacob,” the brunette agreed.

Okay. That’s it. It’s official. The whole world has gone Twilight Crazed. I’m the only one left. I’m the only one who believes that Edward is somewhat mentally abusive. I’m the only one who doesn’t swoon over Edward. I’m the only one who plans on seeing New Moon for the sole purpose of making fun of it.

I needed to get away from these ladies.

“Well. I better get Natalie inside,” I said. Natalie was blazing across the driveway laughing maniacally. She’s definitely going to be watched when she’s sixteen. Maybe I can lie and say that the new driving age is eighteen and that all her friends are terribly mistaken.

At that moment, the brunette’s cell phone rang which made her blissfully stop going on about Jacob. (Lady, hello, the kid is 17. You’ll be sent to jail if you boinked him. FYI.)

“Oh, it’s my daughter!” the brunette said cheerfully. She started jabbering into the phone for a few seconds saying things like, “Okay sure, I’ll meet you in an hour then, bye…” Then she hung up. “I’m so glad I got Avery a cell phone,” she said.

I knew Avery was eight.

“Wow. She already has a cell phone?” I blurted out. My son Tommy, who is seven, has been begging for a cell phone because apparently a lot of his friends already have one. I told him that it’s ridiculous, that maybe he can have one when he’s 13.

“Well, the cell phone helps a lot. Avery can let me know when she’s ready to be picked up,” the brunette explained.

She’s eight! Do eight-year-olds already have a social life? I mean, really? Aren’t they still playing Barbies?

When I was younger I’d just tell my parents that I’d meet them at a designated spot and it all worked out. There is no way I’m giving Tommy a cell phone at his age. No way. Not only because I feel he’s too young but, bless his heart, he has a habit of losing things. We’ve already been to the Lost and Found bin twice to retrieve his jacket. At this rate, he may never have a cell phone.

I said goodbye to the Twilight Crazies a few minutes later. Natalie nearly drove into the blond’s legs but I leaped in front of the car right in time and got knocked in my knees.

“Have a great day,” I coughed out to the women who scurried off so they wouldn’t be my daughter’s latest road kill.

I peered down at Natalie. “Sweetheart. Be nice. I know Twilight freaks you out too but it’s no reason to injure a person,” I lectured.

“Twilight bad!” Natalie shouted and honked her horn for emphasis.

“This is true. But we mustn’t say that in public. People might, I don’t know, revolt or something...” I explained seriously.

You just never know.

It’s a strange strange world we’re living in....