Silence!

“So who died? What happened? Why is everyone crying?” Tom asked me on Thursday night as I watched Grey’s Anatomy. This wouldn’t bother me if he had asked these questions during a commercial. But no. He has a bad habit of asking questions during the actual show. And yes, I suppose I could have paused it but sometimes I’m just not in the mood to converse.

“No talking,” I said to Tom and pressed a finger to my lips. I had just got the kids down and was relishing in the fact that I could stretch out on the couch and watch a show in peace.

“Who died? Who is George?” Tom continued, not getting the hint. Apparently he doesn’t comprehend the words “no talking.”

“It’s quiet time!” I tried again.

He continued to yak again when I started to watch FlashForward on my DVR.

“What’s this? What’s going on?”

Is he KIDDING?

He thankfully lapsed into a silence for a few minutes and then practically fell off the couch when he shouted, “Seth MacFarlane! That’s Seth MacFarlane, creator of Family Guy! I knew he sounded familiar. I kept going, ‘Why am I hearing Brian the Dog?’ and now I know why. Because it’s SETH MACFARLANE!”

Oh my dear God.

You have to understand that Seth MacFarlane is sort of like a God to Tom. He loves Family Guy and loves to quote the show.

So basically, since Tom kept asking me questions during MY show, I decided I’d do the same to him when he was watching his beloved Family Guy.

“Wow, is that a dog? Why is a dog talking? It’s not a Disney movie after all,” I said as I plopped on the couch. (For those who have never seen the show, it depicts this dog named Brian who behaves like a human.)

Tom pulled his eyes from the screen and stared at me as though I had a bra wrapped around my forehead.

“So does the entire family understand what Stewie is saying? Or it is really just his thoughts like they did in Look Who’s Talking? ” I continued sweetly. (Stewie is the one year old in the show.)

Of course I knew the answers to these questions but I just wanted Tom to feel the frustration that I experienced.

“Amber,” Tom said, speaking to me as though I were a complete idiot. “You’ve seen this show a lot. Why are you asking me dumb questions?”

Dumb questions?

Excuse me!

“I’m surprised that other people don’t question that a dog is walking around behaving like a human. If a dog was walking on two legs around me and talking in English, I’d be scared shitless!” I said, completely ignoring Tom’s statement.

Tom frowned as he tried to concentrate on the show. “Amber, please. I’m trying to watch.”

A HA!

“Just like I try to watch my shows in peace,” I said.

A commercial came on the screen so Tom stared at me again. “What?”

“It’s annoying when people speak during your shows, right?” I pressed.

Tom was clearly bewildered. “Right…” he replied slowly.

“Well, you seem to love asking me questions during my programs so I decided to do the same during yours to teach you a lesson,” I explained.

Tom made a face. “I never ask questions during your shows!” he argued. Then he seemed to remember jabbering on while the show was running and he looked slightly guilty. “I mean…well, sometimes I just need to know what’s going on.”

“And I’ll be happy to answer your questions. During the commercial break,” I said. I stuck my hand out. “So do we have a deal? No talking during shows?”

Tom gave me a limp shake. “I guess…”

He’s going to totally forget. I can almost bet when I watch Grey’s Anatomy this week he’s going to be all, “Wow, so there are LESBIANS on this show?”