Chocolate Colored Couch

“I really like this one,” Tom said, gesturing to the headboard. With glass in it. Meaning, it was like a mirror. In the headboard.

I burst out laughing.

Both the salesman and Tom stared at me as though I suddenly belted out Bette Midler tunes.

“You’re kidding, right?” I said, because neither man smiled.

“I wasn’t kidding,” Tom said slowly. “I like this.”

Uh.

Okay.

This is why going furniture shopping with someone else can be difficult. It’s especially difficult if that someone else has a penis. I wish Tom were like some of those husbands who hand over the credit card and say something like, “I know you’ll pick out something great.”

But no. Tom wanted to come and pick out our new bedroom furniture and couches. Which I totally understand but a headboard? With glass?

“Or there’s this one,” Tom said, walking ahead of me. He patted a leather headboard lovingly. He frowned in my direction. “What?”

“What?”

“You look disgusted.”

Oops. I thought I had masked my disgust. It’s just, since Tom had been in Korea for nine months I really didn’t want to argue. We were still in the honeymoon phase of our reunion. I didn’t want an ugly headboard to ruin that.

“It’s….it’s….lovely,” I forced myself to say. “It’s just not for me.”

Where were the nice headboards made of wood the color of honey? I glanced around the room. Ahh, there they were.

My eyes drifted over to a beautiful one and I thought, “Yes, that’s it. I could totally picture that for my bed and…holy shit, 2000 dollars? For a headboard?” For the millionth time in my life I wished I were rich.
Tom followed my gaze. “Do you like it?” he asked, walking over. “I could deal with this.” He didn’t even check the price. The thing with Tom is, he’d buy me whatever I wanted. He’s just that guy. The problem is, I’m too practical. Oh, and I like to eat and we definitely wouldn’t be able to eat for like two weeks had we purchased the bed. Or paid for our cable and I’m sorry, I need to know what is going on with those crazy housewives in New Jersey.

“It’s too expensive,” I explained. “But that one isn’t bad.” I nodded my chin to a darker set with a happier price tag.

It was Tom’s turn to look disgusted.

“What? What’s wrong with it?” I wanted to know. It was a lovely dark shade with matching dressers and everything.

“It’s not my taste,” Tom admitted.

How could the lovely dark shade of wood NOT BE HIS TASTE?

“Are we almost done?” Tommy sighed beside us. He and Natalie had been trailing at our heels for an hour. At first Natalie thought it was a fun game to climb up on all the beds. But after the fifth one she was like, “Um, okay? Are we done yet?”

“We’re almost done,” I lied.

“You know,” the salesman spoke up and I jumped. I nearly forgot he was there. I shouldn’t have been surprised to see him though, he hadn’t left our side the second we walked through the door. He smelled a commission and was going to get it, damn it. Which meant he was suddenly our new best friend. “I have a discounted set near the front. A fabulous price.”

Tom and I shrugged. “Okay.” What did we have to lose? Clearly we weren’t getting anywhere.

So we followed the guy to the set and…

…really, it wasn’t bad. It was a cherry wood and the price was right.

So we took it.

Then we had to find a couch and that took forever.

Tom wanted to get a couch with drink holders in the middle of it. I didn’t like the look. Naturally, Tom loved it.

“Can you picture us sitting here with drinks?” Tom asked, plopping down. It was a recliner couch so he pulled the switch down so he could prop his feet up.

“I can picture one of the kids knocking the drink out of the holder and staining it, yes,” I replied.

Tom rolled his eyes. “They wouldn’t. It’s why it’s called a drink HOLDER.”

Clearly, he doesn’t fully comprehend the power of children.

“I don’t really want cup holders in the couch,” I admitted.

“But look. It also has a storage bin. You can put your books here.” Tom flipped it open.

“Ew. No. Not on a couch.” I couldn’t max my distaste any longer. If I didn’t speak up then we’d be going home with a couch that came with drink holders and storage.

“But…” Tom began to pet the arm of the couch.

“How about we keep looking?” I suggested.

“Geez!” Tommy yelled. “You said you were almost done!”

I wished he were an infant so I could stick a pacifier in his mouth to silence him. Not that pacifiers ever worked for my kids. They’d just spit them out and wail even louder.

We looked at many couches. They started to blur together. None stood out to me.

“We might have to look into leather,” Tom suggested after we circled the store for the third time. And yes, Jeeves was behind us. Jeeves is what I dubbed the salesman.

“We have many leather couches,” Jeeves spoke up. He probably wanted to smother us with a couch pillow since we were taking so long.

“I don’t like leather couches. You can never get comfortable on one and when it’s hot, it makes farting noises,” I said bluntly.

Jeeves winced as though he had never heard the word fart before.

“We’ll find something,” I assured Tom.

And we did. We eventually stumbled on a chocolate colored couch that was fluffy and comfortable to sit on.

“Oh, this is a fitting. A chocolate colored couch for a chocoholic,” Tom said, settling down on it. He wiggled his butt on the cushion. “I could deal with this. I mean, I like my drink cup holders but since you’re being mean to me, I’ll take this one.”

“Let me make sure it’s in stock,” Jeeves said hopefully. He was probably thinking, “They’re almost gone…just suck it up for a few more minutes, Jeeves, and they’ll be out of here.”

They did have it in stock.

We paid a substantial sum—I felt like we should own Jeeves for a day for what we paid—and then we had to go on our way and leave our lovely chocolate colored couch behind because we had to wait for them to deliver it.

I’ll get pictures posted. The other half of our household goods are finally coming today so when everything is set up, I’ll take photos.

I do love my chocolate colored couch.

And my wooden headboards—non-leather, thank God.