Obviously I Need Lasik

I can be a total wimp.

I admit this freely.

So why in the world do I continue to watch shows about ghosts and aliens?

I know they freak me out.

It doesn’t help that my husband is away. Usually he can calm me down when I suddenly shriek, “What’s that in the corner?”

He’ll be all, “Um, well Amber, that’s the lamp.”

When he’s not here I believe that the lamp is actually a ghost out to get me.

Or an alien wanting to take me to his planet VaVu.

I can’t stop watching the ghost and alien shows though. They fascinate me.

I made the mistake of watching one last night. I hesitated before I clicked the enter button.

Amber. You know what happened the last time you watched a show like this. You swore there was a ghost hanging out in the bathroom…

Okay, but that wasn’t my fault. See, we have a bathroom attached to our room and the door is usually open. So when I’m in bed, I stare right into it. I once woke up in the dead of night and because I was disoriented, I MAY have thought that the towel hanging on the rack was a ghost.

I wear glasses and obviously I didn’t have my glasses on as I slept. My eyesight is like -500/-500. In other words, it sucks. So the towel looked like a strange blob and in my mind, the blob was FLOATING over to me.

My heart was thumping like mad and I shouted something like, “Go away!” before diving under the covers.

When I worked up the courage to peek out I realized that the blob wasn’t moving and figured out that I had been mistaken about the ghost.

Oops.

Anyhow, even though I knew I shouldn’t watch the ghost show last night, I still did. After all, I was an entire month older than I was during the towel incident. Surely I had matured since then.

So I watched the program and nothing spooked me.

Then, since all was well, I decided to watch a show on UFOs.

I wasn’t even afraid! I calmly watched and then I headed off to bed. When I turned off the lights, I didn’t mistake the dresser for an alien.

You see? I’m maturing!

I fell asleep and was awoken by a boom of thunder at around three in the morning. Normally this would terrify me. But not this time. No, this time I was—

Holy mother of pearl! What is that in the doorway?!

I swear I saw a figure hovering.

There was a flash of lightening and it was definitely the outline of someone.

Or something.

My breath started quickening and I pulled the covers up to my nose.

It’s just my imagination. I KNEW I shouldn’t have watched those shows. What was I thinking?

Another flash of lightening filled the room and I saw the figure again.

It’s an alien! I can’t see through it so it has to be an alien. I’m going to be abducted and they’re going to perform weird experiments on me. I’m not wearing my good underwear so the aliens are going to think that something is wrong with me and try and drill my eye out.

My heart was beating quickly and I was frozen in fear. I wanted to reach for my glasses but I was worried if I stuck my hand out that the alien would shoot it off.

So I did what any other self-respecting twenty-six-year-old would do.

I dove under the covers.

I stayed there for a few seconds before feeling like a complete idiot.

Amber. You’re a grown woman! Grown women don’t do this. It’s probably nothing. It’s just your imagination. It’s just your imagination.

I kept chanting that as I lifted my head from under the covers.

I forced myself to look at the doorway.

The figure was gone!

You see? Just your imagination. Just your--

But then there was another flash of lightening and I spotted the figure at the foot of the bed.

HOLY CHRIST!

Then a piercing sound filled the room.

It’s trying to communicate with me! What should I do? Should I screech back? What if I accidentally tell the alien off with my screeching and it tries to eat me?

A few seconds later I remembered that it was just my fan. Sometimes it emits loud noises. I really need to look into replacing it.

The figure looked like it was getting closer.

“I have kids!” I wailed as though this would make everything better.

“Mommy?” the alien replied.

Mommy? What in the world? Maybe that’s what aliens call humans?

“Mommy?” it said again.

And that’s when I realized that the voice belonged to my son Tommy.

“Tommy?” I said cautiously.

What if the alien had morphed into Tommy’s body?

To be on the safe side I grabbed my pillow and put it in front of me in case the alien decided to strike.

“Mommy, this storm is scaring me,” Tommy said, his voice shaking. “I’m scared that the lightening is going to get me.” I saw his form walk closer to me.

I quickly scrambled for my glasses and shoved them on my face.

Phew.

It APPEARED to be Tommy.

“When’s your birthday? What is your sister’s name?” The questions just tumbled from my mouth. I had to make sure this was the REAL Tommy.

Then there was a thunder boom and Tommy dove into me.

Since I didn’t feel like I was being devoured or taken aboard a spacecraft, I hugged Tommy to me.

“It’s okay, Tommy. Don’t be scared,” I said. I didn’t tell him that his mother had just been scared shitless five minutes before.

I let him sleep with me.

It was the least I could do since I had thought he was an alien.