Anyone Need A Man?

I'm hiding.

From my husband.

I'm kidding.

Sort of.

It's just...he always wants to, you know, do it.

And okay, it was fun the first few times but now I miss being able to go to bed and not having to worry about having someone paw at me.

Like last night I had to get firm with him, which I hated to do, but I was exhausted and my parent's A/C is on the fritz so it was hot and there was my husband stroking my butt.

"It's hot and I'm tired," I mumbled at him.

His hand didn't move. I think he said something like, "I'll cool you off," which makes no sense to me but a horny guy will say just about anything to get into your pants. Word to the wise.

He follows me into rooms too. Like today I was going to the bathroom to PEE and then there he was behind me. He scared the crap out of me to be honest. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised because I usually have one of my kids following me in but at that point they were being entertained by my parents so I took advantage of a kid free pee. (A KFP. Sort of like the chicken but with a P.) I was practically giddy as I headed for the toilet-- you mean I get to pee--ALONE?? and I nearly had a heart attack when I went to shut the door and Tom was right there.

"Now that we're alone..." he said coyly, wiggling his eyebrows up and down.

I mean...seriously? With the kids running around less than ten feet away? With my parents right there?

Oh, and let's not forget that I had a FULL BLADDER!

I don't like to pee in front of my husband either.

"Um," I said, racking my brain of how I could deny him politely. Because we were still somewhat in the polite stage at that point since we had been apart for awhile. If he had followed me in any other time I'd have probably told him to get the crap out of the bathroom and slammed the door in his face. But because I hadn't seen him in a little over two months I forced a smile and said, "I'd really like my privacy. I don't get it often and I could really use some."

Tom still stood there and was staring at my crotch. It was still covered but it was like he was WAITING for me to get rid of my pants or something.

"So...I'm going to need you to go..." I trailed off and tried to shove him out. But he's got nearly a hundred pounds on me so he didn't budge.

"Bye bye now," I tried again.

WHY WASN'T HE LEAVING????

"I'm not peeing in front of you," I said meekly.

"Oh, I'm not in here to watch you pee," Tom reminded me suggestively.

Geez.

Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. But it's HOT here and I get cranky when it's hot. To have someone constantly pawing at me is not always enjoyable. It's like, dude, mind my space. It's HOT. Do you see the sweat beads above my lip? That's because I'm trying not to melt on the sidewalk.

"Tom, I really need to pee. I need you to leave," I said and pointed towards the door.

Then he tried to kiss me and at that point my bladder was UNCOMFORTABLE because it's not what it used to be after having two kids. When I need to go, I need to GO.

So I sort of HAD to push Tom out because I was worried I was going to pee all over the floor and how would I have explained that to my parents?

Mom, Dad? Sorry about the urine on the floor. My husband was trying to seduce me...

And then Tom would forever tell the story of how I totally pissed on the floor.

So I didn't have a choice on pushing him out. Of course he said sadly on the other side of the door, "You don't love me anymore," because as I said before, he can act like a total girl when he doesn't get what he wants.

When I was finished doing my business I went to get some water and he was right behind me.

"Jesus!" I shrieked.

"Hi," he said and grazed my boob.

Does anyone want to entertain Tom for a few hours? Please? Because I'm about to head off to bed and he just walked by and said something like, "You're mine tonight," and it's still hot and I'm half asleep and I already know I'm not going to get good sleep because I have to get used to sharing my bed again. And Tom is very shifty. Last night he tossed his big old man leg on top of my waist and snored in my face.

Help me!