Here's Your Sign

I have to be honest with you all.  I love Bill Engvol.  He is the Here's Your Sign Comedian...I have always laughed at his antics and just thought it was a scream when he talks about some of the "Sign People"...until this past weekend when Frank and I had our MOVING sale.  The key word here is MOVING!  You can not imagine the people that stopped at our sale and asked...are you ready?...or yes, they asked it, "Are you moving?"  Well DUH!  That is what the ad in the paper said, the ad on Facebook at the Lake Martin Sale Barn, the road signs, AND the big sign in front of the house.  I wanted to say..."nope...we just wanted to see how many stupid people would ask if we were."  I was good...I did not say that.  Although once I did say..."Moving?  Honey are we moving?"  The couple didn't buy anything...they left quickly.  I felt bad...and then laughed out loud.  Well, I have to say I hate the word stupid....but I have learned that there are people in this world....who are not special ed people...they are just stupid.  They do not think before they speak and for that reason I think stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid"  If they wore that sign then you wouldn't have to rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." ...I googled stupid...and this is what I came up with.  It was too funny for words and since I am going to be away for a few days thought I would leave you with a funny....or two.
1.  "It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."
2.  "A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
3.  "I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "all right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good...They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
4.  "Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
5.  "We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him."
6. "I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he says "So..is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig, then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge and I ran out of gas....Here's your sign!"
7.  This is my all time favorite Bill Engvol...."a man was trying to open his car with a coat hanger when another man walked up and asked, "Lock your keys in your car?"  The keyless man looked at the other man and simply said, "Nope, I just washed it and I'm hanging it up to dry."  "Here is your sign!"
Happy Friday!....and Don't talk to people wearing signs!  It's dangerous.

And...It's Almost Over...

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my son.

I’m not going to lie, I’m scared.

I’ve seen some bloggers not understand why parents dread having their kids home over the summer. Well, maybe those bloggers have good kids. I don’t know.

I’m kidding. My son is a good kid. He’s just....hyper. And sensitive.

Oh, and he totally flips out if someone knocks over his Legos.

I’ve done this before. I was putting away laundry, backed up and BAM, his police tower came tumbling down.

“HOW COULD YOU?” Tommy bellowed at me. (See? Sensitive.)

His sister likes to mess with his Legos just to upset him. So this means throughout the summer I constantly have to keep her away.

Sometimes they fight just because.

Like once I found them whining in the living room and when I asked what was wrong they both just blinked at me.

So yes. I dread having him home over the summer. Don’t get me wrong, I love the kid to bits. He’s just so loud. And picky. Sometimes for lunch Natalie and I just have cereal. If I stick cereal in front of him he’ll turn his nose up and be all, “This isn’t lunch.” See, he has Aspergers so he has set rules in his mind. You can tell him until you are blue in the face that cereal is an appropriate lunch but he’ll just stare at you like you have a feather popping from your ear.

With summer also comes neighborhood kids coming to the door. Some kids haven’t been taught manners and they ring the bell at eight in the morning. They also like to destroy toys and question authority. I once told a kid to put the Raid away and he was all, “Why?” Um, so I don’t get SUED if you spray someone’s eye out, you brat.

It’s gonna be a lonnnnggg summer.

But after tomorrow I will officially have a third grader.





An official HYPER third grader.

Things I Am Grateful For

My friend Trina totally swiped this from another blog, but I have to give her a break...she had looked through so many to find an idea to blog about that she had no idea which one she swiped it from. So, she asked  for forgiveness instead of permission. Way to go Trini.  I, on the other hand knew I was going to be out of town Thursday - Saturday and borrowed it from her.  I did link back to her....so let's give credit where credit is due.  It was a great meme.
1. What are you most grateful for when you first wake up in the morning? A new day to be alive and to enjoy all of the blessings that God has given me. (I swiped this one from Trina)
2. What are you most grateful for when you go to bed at night? That that particular day is done and all is at peace in my world.
3. Who is the person who has had the most influence on your life? My dad, my godmother, my mom (I was raised in the good old days when children respected their elders, did not talk back, and were not the rulers of the household....my dad was.)...I also have to credit Dr. Watson B. Duncan III.  I teach today because of him.  He was a great teacher.
4. Is there someone you'd like to thank for something special they did for you but haven't yet? My daughter Kat for making me believe that I was something special even when I didn't think I was.  My daughter Amy for accepting me into her heart when I married her dad, and Connie Korb - My MIL for having Frank and teaching him how a man should behave towards a woman.
5. Who was your favorite or least favorite teacher? My favorite was Watson B. Duncan III in college and Thaddeus Trotsky in High School (he taught us English and Grammar concepts using Beatles lyrics.)
If you could talk to them now, what would you say? I would tell both of them that I hope I am half the teacher to my students that they were to me.
6. Do you say grace at mealtime? Yes...occassionally we get lazy and don't.  I usually get indigestion on those nights.  Hummm....wonder why?
7. Name one thing you take for granted everyday. My health
8. Have you ever looked back at your life and realized that something you thought was a bad thing was actually a blessing in disguise? I would like to say no....but can't.  I have to say Yes to this one. My first marriage was not a bad thing...but it was bad for me.  BUT,,,it was a blessing because without it...there would never have been a Kathryn. 
9. What are the top five things you are most grateful for in your life? 1. That I am free to worship without worrying about dying for it. 2. Frank 3. Amy and Kat 4. my mom  5. My friends.

Heads Will Roll

“Tom, what’s happening? TOM?”

I had my hands over my eyes. I could hear someone screaming in agony.

“Tom?”

What was he doing? Did he forget that he was supposed to tell me when the gruesome scenes were over?

We were watching an episode of The Tudors and he promised to let me know when the gross part was over.

And there were a lot of gross parts in that episode.

Fingernails were pulled off in one scene.

Heads were chopped off in another.

Guts were taken out of a person still alive.

Poop was smeared on the wall by an insane person.

I couldn’t watch the fingernail removal scene. That was the scene that was going on. I could hear the actor yelping in pain.

“Is it almost over, Tom?”

WHY WASN’T HE RESPONDING TO ME? Should I be concerned that he was so engrossed over someone losing their nails? I mean, ew.

“It’s done. That was nothing,” Tom said.

Of course he would say that. He watches war movies were guts and blood are thrown all over the place. I’m still traumatized over watching Saving Private Ryan with him. He didn’t WARN me about the guy laying on the beach with his guts hanging out of his stomach as he shouted for his mother. I still have nightmares over that one.

When it came to the beheading part of The Tudors I covered my eyes again.

“What’s happening?”

“Jesus, just watch. They’re just giving a speech. Oh wait, there they go.”

I could hear the sound of the axe coming down and chopping the head off.

EW.

“Did they show the head?” I wondered.

“Not really, they just showed it in the basket quickly.”

EWW!

“So what happens to Henry’s wife?” Tom asked.

In that episode, Katherine Howard, his fifth wife, is sent to the Tower of London because it’s been discovered that she’s been doing the nasty with another man.

“She dies,” I explained morosely.

Tom is shocked over how many people died in the show. Like he missed out on the entire season three so as he watched this season he was all, “What happened to that dude? Cromwell?”

“He died,” I said.

Or he’ll be all, “What happened to his third wife? The one that gave him the son?”

“She died.”

“Jesus, who DOESN’T die in this show?”

I made the mistake of looking when Katherine sees the head of her lover on a spike. I so did NOT need to see that.

“Oh, that looks so fake,” Tom said. “That’s nothing.”

It was real enough for me.

And plus, they got it wrong. Katherine saw the head of her lover on the London Bridge in real life. Not in the Tower of London.

But still.

Sad either way.

At the end of the show there were two final beheadings.

The chick that went crazy and smeared her poop on the wall was one. But she had it coming. George Boleyn, Anne Boleyn’s brother was married to her and she totally lied and said George and Anne got it on.

So I wasn’t sad to see her go.

I covered my eyes though.

“What’s happening?”

“She’s putting her head on the block.”

The axe came down again. People watching the execution cheered. Mind you, they had no TV then so watching people lose their heads was prime entertainment.

Finally, Katherine Howard came up and gave her speech. She said she was dying as the wife of Culpepper, the man she did the nasty with while married to Henry. This caused the crowd to gasp. Shame on you, wench, they were probably thinking. In real life she probably didn’t really say that. It’s just a legend. Most people thanked the King right before they were beheaded because they were worried if they called him an “asshole fu*ker for having my head removed” they were worried that God, who they believed chose Henry as king in the first place would be pissed and send them to the pits of Hell.

Thankfully they didn’t show Katherine’s head being chopped off. It just ended with her resting her head on the block, now covered with blood from the insane poop lady. (In real life Katherine was beheaded first though.)

“So…who does he marry now?” Tom asked when the show was over.

“Katherine Parr.”

“Don’t tell me. She dies.”

“No, actually. I mean, she came close, Henry had an arrest warrant written for her but then he changed his mind. She outlived him,” I said.

Have I mentioned that I love The Tudors? I’m bummed this is the last season.

One day I’m totally taking a Henry VIII tour in England.

Anyone wanna come?

Camp Conquest at Children's Harbor

On Monday Frank and I ate lunch at the table with Randy's niece, Della and her husband John.  Della is a school nurse and John is a firefighter.  I think they are both pretty cool people....or at least I did before lunch.  After lunch I thought they were amazingly awesome.  My post today is about Camp Conquest at Children's Harbor.  My personal journey with burned bodies began about 16 years ago when my daughter, Kat,  was badly burned in a boat explosion.  I have a healthy respect for doctors who treat burned victims, therapists who help them begin over, and all the hundreds of other people who were there when Kat and I made our journey out of the fire.  When Kat was in college my friend, Karen Kison, who has helped set up and run the Burn Camp called Camp Conquest at Children's Harbor for several years, asked Kat to work one.  She was in school and couldn't....and it has just never worked out for her to participate.  She would be great...because she has walked in their shoes. Frank and I both have played small parts in the camp and get a lot out of it.  Doctors and nurses from Children's Hospital in B'ham take a week of their vacations and bring badly burned children to Lake Martin and there they come alive...they swim, they go on boat rides, they are normal for a short period of time....but best of all.....they smile!  Still Magnolias sang for them one year and I don't know who got the most out of it...the kids....or us!  Excuse me...I am chasing rabbits here...back to Della and John.  We started out talking about their son Connor's Diabetes camp that will be in a week.  It is held on Lake Martin at Camp ASCCA and costs one child $600.00 to go. Della and John started a facebook campaign to raise $1000.00 so that other less fortunate children can go on scholarship! Is that not an amazing gesture?  If you'd like to help you can just go to the link I have provided at http://www.firstgiving.com/connorbuchanan. This camp at Camp ASCCA is an Easter Seals Camp...but I will blog about it later.  Back to our lunch conversation....John said..."Connor will be gone a week, then he will come home and I will be at camp for a week."  "Camp?" I asked, "What kind of camp?"  I figured he was attending some kind of firefighter camp....his response floored me.  "Burn Camp on Lake Martin, " he said, "This will be my second year."  WOW!  John went from cool to way cool in my books.  This firefighting father and husband takes a week out of his life and goes and works Camp Conquest.  It turns out....that firefighters from all over...bring boats and take the campers for rides, donate meals, pop in and cook.  It is an amazing event.  The camp costs the kids not one dime....and they get to bring a friend and/or family member.  In 2009 Camp Conquest Children's Burn Camp at Children's Harbor on Lake Martin near Kowliga, Ala. had about 15 pediatric burn victims attending the camp along with about 35 friends and siblings. That is the really cool thing....they get to bring friends and family members....for FREE!  During the time they are there they have a blast.  The counselors, the doctors, the staff, the nurses see to it and they do an amazing job.  Today...I want to thank everyone who volunteers to work for this camp....you guys rock!  Happy Wednesday to all!

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. I think I’m going to do this every Tuesday now. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

Hey, It's Okay....



To at first think that (: is a frown face and be all, “Why are you frowning at me?” And then be all, “Oh, never mind it’s a smile face. Carry on.”


To be looking forward to the reality show Big Brother.


To hate going to your husband’s work functions, especially when he goes off talking to his work friends and leaves you to tend to the kids.


To make a face when magazines remind you to “not forget about your man’s balls” during foreplay. I’m sorry, I WILL forget my man’s balls during foreplay. They do not look appealing. No offense.


To like going to Toys R Us as much as your kids do.


To have once eaten a bunch of the brownie batter just ‘cause you could. Being an adult rocks. Salmonella be damned.


To still be searching for the Snapple flavors created by Bret Michaels and Holly Robinson on The Celebrity Apprentice. I know they exist! It says so on the Snapple website.


To be looking forward to seeing Sex and the City 2 on Thursday despite the bad reviews. Hey, it’s two hours of kid free time complete with buttery popcorn. I’ll take it.


To be upset that ABC cancelled FlashForward. The ironic thing is, Ghost Whisperer will probably replace the time slot and I had been upset that CBS cancelled Ghost Whisperer earlier. ABC decided to take it on and I’m going to laugh if the show takes FlashForward’s slot. CBS? Wanna take FlashForward then? Please? Lifetime? FX? SyFy? SOMEONE!?


To love when your husband leaves you notes like this:

True Happiness

I love to get awards.  I like them in paper form, I like them in statue form, I love them in blog form.  On Sunday I was awarded just such an award from my friend Jeannie over at Jeannie's Happy World. She is giving a happiness award to five bloggers ever Sunday (unless she is sick, forgets, or the Rapture occurs!!!)  The only rule is that the five bloggers who get it for that week have to then pass it on to five bloggers. This special award is given to bloggers who truly have happiness in their hearts and pass that on to everyone they meet, and everywhere they go. They know that happiness is a choice, and always choose wisely. Always looking on the sunny-side of life, and keeping their sense of humor, these bloggers are a joy to read!!! So the Queen Bee (that would be Jeannie - originator of the award) says to BEE HAPPY!!! The awardees this week from me are:
1.  He Gave Me A Dream
2.  A View From a Hill
3.  Life In a Small Town
4.  Mary the 1st I Am, I Am
5.  Mid-Atlantic Martha
Thank you ladies for all the happiness I get from reading your blogs. Thank you Jeannie for the award.  I hope all of you have a Wonderful Tuesday!