I could hardly wait for this morning to get here so I could do my post. It is funny after the last few months when I did not have any desire to write....now I can't wait. Yesterday, we visited my mom at Adam's Nursing Home. We never know what to expect...somedays I am who I am....somedays...I am not sure who I am....and on many days...she talks to Frank and I....about Frank and I. Those days are the weird ones. I am not terribly comfortable...talking about myself in third person. Yesterday was a regular day. She carried on a good conversation, only asked once to be taken on errands, and when we left she continued to read the newspaper. There is another resident there whose name is Wilma. I think that is funny because Wilma is not a very common name...and yesterday we met the other Wilma's family. The four of us stood outside in the cold and discussed our Wilma's...it was kind of amusing to listen to their stories and tell ours. When we left I felt a strange sense of "all is well." No, it really isn't well...but, I am not alone in this stage of my life. True, I am an only child...but there are however many residents...in every single nursing home in the United States....families experiencing the same thing I am....at some level. It was comforting to know that yesterday. In the Bible, Paul tells us: "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). In layman's terms....that means "God will never give you more than you can handle." Knowing that...I put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I am Never alone...and when I think I can't handle anymore...my God...picks up my load and carries it for me. Happy Monday out there in Blogger Land!
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday Visit with Momma
I could hardly wait for this morning to get here so I could do my post. It is funny after the last few months when I did not have any desire to write....now I can't wait. Yesterday, we visited my mom at Adam's Nursing Home. We never know what to expect...somedays I am who I am....somedays...I am not sure who I am....and on many days...she talks to Frank and I....about Frank and I. Those days are the weird ones. I am not terribly comfortable...talking about myself in third person. Yesterday was a regular day. She carried on a good conversation, only asked once to be taken on errands, and when we left she continued to read the newspaper. There is another resident there whose name is Wilma. I think that is funny because Wilma is not a very common name...and yesterday we met the other Wilma's family. The four of us stood outside in the cold and discussed our Wilma's...it was kind of amusing to listen to their stories and tell ours. When we left I felt a strange sense of "all is well." No, it really isn't well...but, I am not alone in this stage of my life. True, I am an only child...but there are however many residents...in every single nursing home in the United States....families experiencing the same thing I am....at some level. It was comforting to know that yesterday. In the Bible, Paul tells us: "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" (1 Corinthians 10:13). In layman's terms....that means "God will never give you more than you can handle." Knowing that...I put on my big girl panties and deal with it. I am Never alone...and when I think I can't handle anymore...my God...picks up my load and carries it for me. Happy Monday out there in Blogger Land!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Taking Down the Tree
I had a hard time putting up a tree this year. I usually am so excited….and it goes up either Thanksgiving weekend or the next weekend. I get such a warm fuzzy feeling when I unwrap each ornament and the manger scene. But this year my tree did not go up until the Tuesday of Christmas week. I almost did not put one up at all. Even when I put it up I did not have that warm fuzzy feeling. I did not put on Christmas C.D.’s. I did not drink hot chocolate. It was a chore. I did, however, sit in front of it and was amazed at the beauty of the lights and the ornaments….but only briefly. We were leaving the next day to go to Ft. Walton Beach to see Frank’s nephew Alan because his wife died and we could not go down for the funeral. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were going to be spent on the road and dealing with death one more time this year. I was going to miss the Communion Service at my church for the first time in forever. I felt my icy heart just get icier and I found myself wondering if 2009 was ever going to end? It did….and I found myself facing another chore. It is the one ritual I absolutely despise about the holidays: can you guess what it is? Yep…I knew you could. I hate taking down the tree. Even in a good year I hate taking it down…and this year was not going to make it any better. I decided to wait until after the Epiphany….so I stalled for some time thinking it would make it less painful…..no matter how much I stalled and procrastinated….I have to say…. Taking down the tree is one sad job, because for me it marks an end. And it's messy—back in the day when I had real trees, before I discovered I was allergic to pine and cedar, pine needles would be discovered in April! So I did the self-preservation thing….and got an artificial tree….that looks lifelike….so lifelike in fact that ….guess what….I STILL find pine needles in April. But…the saddest part of taking down my tree is that it leaves the house with this big empty hole along the front wall of the living room. I run to the spare bedroom and find the chair and ottoman that claimed that space prior to Christmas….but they just look out of place. So, On Epiphany…I took down my tree, felt sad because there was a bald spot in my living room….and I had stepped on a needle….yet again. Some rituals never change. January is a new beginning….and for me it was going to be. I had planned to shake off the sadness and reach out into the light….and then….when I thought I had it under control….I got a phone call telling me an old friend had lost her battle to cancer. Was 2010 going to be just like 2009? Letting go is tough I have found out this year. Even when it is something old and bad, like junk and weight….we feel loss. The concept is…what is known (good or bad) is gone. And any loss brings sadness. Cleaning up can be messy, as it shakes loose a load of emotional Christmas tree needles in our lives; usually they are ones that can show up later in strange places we didn't expect. My emotional needles were sticking me. I had a lot of unfinished things that in 2009 I let slide….I found a hole and here I sat not sure how to fill it. If I let go of anger, for example, what was I going to put in its place? At least angry….I know who I am….I am MAD. Cleaning up my parents house has been an emotional rollercoaster for me. I have found things that opened up new wounds and healed old ones. I have really dealt with my brothers death (from back in 1963), and discovered many things about my parents I never knew. I have been angry because my mom was a Hoarder….and yes, if you watch the show on TV…that was my mom. I have pictures to prove it…but that will be a chapter in my book. Anyways…If I let go of my hurt feelings, my sadness and all the other needles….who could I become. Who could I help? I had a tough year. I hope no one ever goes through a year like that…I learned all I ever want to know about cancer, bolo’s, Silver alerts, what it is like to having missing parents, and death! Good grief…some of those I had a crash course in. 2010 brings dealing with dementia and believe you me….loss to cancer….I understand that. Loss to dementia, well it.baffles me completely. I found out this year…that I truly do have a story to tell you….I realized that there are people….who need to read my blog But….back to my original thought…hard as it was, I am very glad I put up the tree…and took down the tree. Sure I have been finding loads of needles to sweep and I will have to reinstate furniture to its old domain. But if I had not taken down the tree, then where would I find room for the 2010 tree?...and the next year’s? Yeppers, I truly believe….that for every heartache I experience in 2010….there will be some joy thrown in for good measure. So, let the blogging begin….and Happy New Year. I am back!
Friday, January 8, 2010
I'm Not Normal?
“Amber! How’s it going?” a woman who lives across the way said as I checked my mail. We’re not really friends per say but we do exchange greetings from time to time.
“Great,” I said as I pulled out my mail. Bill, bill, bill...a letter...no wait, another bill..it was a crappy mail day. I hate crappy mail days.
“How is your husband?” she continued brightly. She’s probably one of those women who are actually happy first thing in the morning. I just get that vibe from her.
“He’s good. He found out he’ll be going to Korea for a year.” I said this nonchalantly because I’m used to the news and it doesn’t shock me as much as it used to.
But it shocked Happy in the Morning lady. He mouth fell open and she pressed a hand over it. “An entire year?” she breathed out. “You poor thing.”
I shrugged. “It’ll be okay. At least I don’t have to share my bed. Ha.” I meant it as a light joke. It makes me uncomfortable when people fawn over the fact that Tom is leaving for a year. Yes, it’s a long time. But it’s not the end of the world. Some people treat it like it’s the end of the world.
Like Happy in the Morning lady.
“How awful! An entire year! You must be DEVASTATED!”
She was seriously speaking in exclamation points. I almost asked if she wanted to sit down because she looked so alarmed.
“Everything will be fine,” I assured her. “I’m used to being alone, I was an only child. I’m not one of those women who always have to be around her man twenty four hours a day. To be honest, those types of women freak me out.” Of course as soon as the words escaped my lips, I realized that Happy in the Morning lady was exactly the kind of women that I had just described.
Crap.
“Well,” she sputtered, her chin up. “I’d just feel empty without my husband, is all. I imagine your mother is coming down to help you out?”
I shuffled the envelopes against my palm. “No.”
Oops. Her uvula was exposed again from shock. Thank goodness it wasn’t summertime. Otherwise a bug surely would have flown into her mouth.
“But you need help!” she yelped.
“Just because my husband is leaving it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. I can take care of my children on my own,” I said.
“Surely you’d want someone with you for support?” Happy in the Morning lady was beginning to give me a headache.
“I’ll be fine. Really. I imagine my Mom will come to visit now and again and I can always visit her," I said and gestured to my house. “Well, I better head off---”
“Well, at least he’ll only be in Korea. Is that why you’re so calm? I bet if it were Iraq you’d be absolutely crushed?” Happy in the Morning lady seemed desperate to make sense of this all.
“I’d worry more if he were Iraq, yes,” I confirmed.
“Yes, I can see why you’re not freaking out. It’s just Korea,” Happy in the Morning mused. I think she momentarily forgot that I was still there.
“Even if it’s just Korea, I’ll still miss him,” I spoke up.
“Hmmm? Yes. But it’s not Iraq.”
Now I felt annoyed. So what, because Tom is just going to Korea I shouldn’t miss him? This woman was definitely giving me a headache now so I said goodbye and hurried home.
I also made the mistake of telling the Crazed Twilight Lady who lives on the street that Tom was leaving.
“At least it’s just Korea and not Iraq!” she yelled. Then again, she wears shirts with Robert Pattinson on the front and she’s in her thirties so who knows about her mental state.
But still, I’m getting slightly irritated that people are making it seem like I can’t miss Tom just because he’s going to Korea.
Or that I should be rolling around on the ground in tears because he’ll be gone for a year. People look at me as though I’m not a normal woman or something. And hey, I’ve known that I’m not a normal woman for quite some time now. I mean after all, I don’t get the point in wearing shoes that pinch your toes even if they are cute, I think it’s funny when boys make farting sounds with their arm pits, and I’ve never had a manicure because I think I’d get the giggles over the fact that someone is working on my nails that I’ll inevitably chew up a few hours later.
I’m dealing with this the only way I know how.
And I guess that’s the point.
I’m dealing with this and facing reality that at this time next year, my husband will be gone.
But I know I can handle it.
I’ll be okay.
(With the entire bed to myself! Sorry. Couldn't resist.)
“Great,” I said as I pulled out my mail. Bill, bill, bill...a letter...no wait, another bill..it was a crappy mail day. I hate crappy mail days.
“How is your husband?” she continued brightly. She’s probably one of those women who are actually happy first thing in the morning. I just get that vibe from her.
“He’s good. He found out he’ll be going to Korea for a year.” I said this nonchalantly because I’m used to the news and it doesn’t shock me as much as it used to.
But it shocked Happy in the Morning lady. He mouth fell open and she pressed a hand over it. “An entire year?” she breathed out. “You poor thing.”
I shrugged. “It’ll be okay. At least I don’t have to share my bed. Ha.” I meant it as a light joke. It makes me uncomfortable when people fawn over the fact that Tom is leaving for a year. Yes, it’s a long time. But it’s not the end of the world. Some people treat it like it’s the end of the world.
Like Happy in the Morning lady.
“How awful! An entire year! You must be DEVASTATED!”
She was seriously speaking in exclamation points. I almost asked if she wanted to sit down because she looked so alarmed.
“Everything will be fine,” I assured her. “I’m used to being alone, I was an only child. I’m not one of those women who always have to be around her man twenty four hours a day. To be honest, those types of women freak me out.” Of course as soon as the words escaped my lips, I realized that Happy in the Morning lady was exactly the kind of women that I had just described.
Crap.
“Well,” she sputtered, her chin up. “I’d just feel empty without my husband, is all. I imagine your mother is coming down to help you out?”
I shuffled the envelopes against my palm. “No.”
Oops. Her uvula was exposed again from shock. Thank goodness it wasn’t summertime. Otherwise a bug surely would have flown into her mouth.
“But you need help!” she yelped.
“Just because my husband is leaving it doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world. I can take care of my children on my own,” I said.
“Surely you’d want someone with you for support?” Happy in the Morning lady was beginning to give me a headache.
“I’ll be fine. Really. I imagine my Mom will come to visit now and again and I can always visit her," I said and gestured to my house. “Well, I better head off---”
“Well, at least he’ll only be in Korea. Is that why you’re so calm? I bet if it were Iraq you’d be absolutely crushed?” Happy in the Morning lady seemed desperate to make sense of this all.
“I’d worry more if he were Iraq, yes,” I confirmed.
“Yes, I can see why you’re not freaking out. It’s just Korea,” Happy in the Morning mused. I think she momentarily forgot that I was still there.
“Even if it’s just Korea, I’ll still miss him,” I spoke up.
“Hmmm? Yes. But it’s not Iraq.”
Now I felt annoyed. So what, because Tom is just going to Korea I shouldn’t miss him? This woman was definitely giving me a headache now so I said goodbye and hurried home.
I also made the mistake of telling the Crazed Twilight Lady who lives on the street that Tom was leaving.
“At least it’s just Korea and not Iraq!” she yelled. Then again, she wears shirts with Robert Pattinson on the front and she’s in her thirties so who knows about her mental state.
But still, I’m getting slightly irritated that people are making it seem like I can’t miss Tom just because he’s going to Korea.
Or that I should be rolling around on the ground in tears because he’ll be gone for a year. People look at me as though I’m not a normal woman or something. And hey, I’ve known that I’m not a normal woman for quite some time now. I mean after all, I don’t get the point in wearing shoes that pinch your toes even if they are cute, I think it’s funny when boys make farting sounds with their arm pits, and I’ve never had a manicure because I think I’d get the giggles over the fact that someone is working on my nails that I’ll inevitably chew up a few hours later.
I’m dealing with this the only way I know how.
And I guess that’s the point.
I’m dealing with this and facing reality that at this time next year, my husband will be gone.
But I know I can handle it.
I’ll be okay.
(With the entire bed to myself! Sorry. Couldn't resist.)
Thursday, January 7, 2010
People Who Annoy Me
My patience has been thin today and it didn’t help when my darling daughter rudely stole (and ATE) my last Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. Then she had the audacity to call me a poo head and I’m sorry, if anyone is a poo head around here it’s her because she should know not to eat another woman’s chocolate. Anyhow, I decided to make a list of people who annoy me. And mind you, these are just for fun, not meant to offend.
People Who Annoy Me Are....
People who start lawsuits claiming that fast food made them fat. Hello? Don’t buy the fast food then!
Children who steal their mother’s last Reeses Peanut Butter cups.
People with music on their blogs. I think it’s great that you think Miley Cyrus rocks. But I don’t. Plus, the music winds up frightening me because my husband leaves the sound blasting and I’m not aware until I go to a blog with music and nearly pass out from fright.
People that ride my car’s ass when I’m going the speed limit. You know how people have a personal bubble around them? So do cars. Back off.
Kate Gosselin. And her gross looks-like-a-fool-with-those-diamond-earrings ex-husband.
Men who wear diamond earrings.
People on eBay who bid on something and then don’t pay for it.
Husbands who don’t pick up after themselves.
People who constantly go, “You know what I’m sayin’?” No, I don’t know what you’re saying, actually. Could you tell me what you are saying so you don’t have to keep having to say “You know what I’m sayin’?”
Pretty much everyone who goes on The Maury Show. (Laquinta, you might want to stop sleeping with Darnoosh because he’s currently cheating on you with your best friend Lou. Sorry.)
People who bring their dogs everywhere with them. Hi, I’m here to see you, not Fluffy your creepy dog who actually wears clothes.
People who treat Oprah like she’s some kind of God.
People who don’t get sarcasm. I know Dr. Phil says it’s the lowest form of humor but I find the lowest form of humor hilarious.
Farrah, a teenager on this show called Teen Moms. She had the audacity to yell at her Mom, “Just let me be a real teen!” Newsflash Farrah. You had a baby at sixteen. You don’t get to be a real teen anymore. Sorry.
Uppity mothers who probably were the ones who made Nick JR have to post things like this before each of their shows:
Look, all Nick JR has to tell me is this. “Show will keep child out of your hair. Show will allow you to use the bathroom in peace. Show will give you silence for at least ten minutes.”
That’s all I care about.
I don't care about kinesthetic skills for craps sake!
People Who Annoy Me Are....
People who start lawsuits claiming that fast food made them fat. Hello? Don’t buy the fast food then!
Children who steal their mother’s last Reeses Peanut Butter cups.
People with music on their blogs. I think it’s great that you think Miley Cyrus rocks. But I don’t. Plus, the music winds up frightening me because my husband leaves the sound blasting and I’m not aware until I go to a blog with music and nearly pass out from fright.
People that ride my car’s ass when I’m going the speed limit. You know how people have a personal bubble around them? So do cars. Back off.
Kate Gosselin. And her gross looks-like-a-fool-with-those-diamond-earrings ex-husband.
Men who wear diamond earrings.
People on eBay who bid on something and then don’t pay for it.
Husbands who don’t pick up after themselves.
People who constantly go, “You know what I’m sayin’?” No, I don’t know what you’re saying, actually. Could you tell me what you are saying so you don’t have to keep having to say “You know what I’m sayin’?”
Pretty much everyone who goes on The Maury Show. (Laquinta, you might want to stop sleeping with Darnoosh because he’s currently cheating on you with your best friend Lou. Sorry.)
People who bring their dogs everywhere with them. Hi, I’m here to see you, not Fluffy your creepy dog who actually wears clothes.
People who treat Oprah like she’s some kind of God.
People who don’t get sarcasm. I know Dr. Phil says it’s the lowest form of humor but I find the lowest form of humor hilarious.
Farrah, a teenager on this show called Teen Moms. She had the audacity to yell at her Mom, “Just let me be a real teen!” Newsflash Farrah. You had a baby at sixteen. You don’t get to be a real teen anymore. Sorry.
Uppity mothers who probably were the ones who made Nick JR have to post things like this before each of their shows:
Look, all Nick JR has to tell me is this. “Show will keep child out of your hair. Show will allow you to use the bathroom in peace. Show will give you silence for at least ten minutes.”
That’s all I care about.
I don't care about kinesthetic skills for craps sake!
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
In The Kitchen
Look, I admit I’m not the greatest in the kitchen.
But I do try.
Take trying to make this gingerbread house, for example. I was all set up to put it together. I had visions of it being this spectacular masterpiece.
But then this happened.
I followed the directions, I swear it! It said to lean the pieces on the top together to form a roof. I did this and the whole thing fell down with a thump.
I tried again.
Same thing.
So I just told Tommy that a hurricane came through and knocked down our gingerbread house. Thankfully he accepted this. (Okay, he accepted this after I assured him that no one was living inside the house when the hurricane hit.)
I made up for the broken house with these:
Our Christmas cookies. Sugar cookies with buttercream frosting. In a variety of colors.
Then New Years came around and I figured one of my goals for 2010 should be to cook more. Because fine, I admit it, I make a lot of spaghetti. And Sloppy Joes. There is only so much Hamburger Helper that a person can eat, you know? So I found a few recipes that I wanted to try. The thing is, I’m confused on what some of the ingredients are.
For example, I came across this recipe:
Chorizo Chili.
What the hell is chorizo? The first thing that pops into my mind is a bunch of Chinese men standing in a line. But that doesn’t make any sense, does it?
Then I found something called Citrus Mangoretto Chicken.
WHAT THE HELL IS MANGORETTO? Why don’t recipes explain this with an asterisk or something? Like this: Citrus Mangoretto* Chicken.
*For the people like Amber, mangoretto is……
I still don’t know what mangoretto is. I tried to look it up and nothing explained it. Is it because everyone knows what mangoretto is except for me?
Wait. A light just popped on in my head.
It has something to do with mangos, yes?
Then why don’t they just call it Citrus MANGO Chicken?
This is why I hate cooking.
This is why I stick to making easy things.
Cooking gives me one big giant headache.
However, I'll keep trying to branch out. Like on Friday, I'm making this beef stew recipe that has over 5 ingredients. I can do it. Wish me luck.
But for tonight, I'm sticking with something I know how to make well.
Tacos.
But I do try.
Take trying to make this gingerbread house, for example. I was all set up to put it together. I had visions of it being this spectacular masterpiece.
But then this happened.
I followed the directions, I swear it! It said to lean the pieces on the top together to form a roof. I did this and the whole thing fell down with a thump.
I tried again.
Same thing.
So I just told Tommy that a hurricane came through and knocked down our gingerbread house. Thankfully he accepted this. (Okay, he accepted this after I assured him that no one was living inside the house when the hurricane hit.)
I made up for the broken house with these:
Our Christmas cookies. Sugar cookies with buttercream frosting. In a variety of colors.
Then New Years came around and I figured one of my goals for 2010 should be to cook more. Because fine, I admit it, I make a lot of spaghetti. And Sloppy Joes. There is only so much Hamburger Helper that a person can eat, you know? So I found a few recipes that I wanted to try. The thing is, I’m confused on what some of the ingredients are.
For example, I came across this recipe:
Chorizo Chili.
What the hell is chorizo? The first thing that pops into my mind is a bunch of Chinese men standing in a line. But that doesn’t make any sense, does it?
Then I found something called Citrus Mangoretto Chicken.
WHAT THE HELL IS MANGORETTO? Why don’t recipes explain this with an asterisk or something? Like this: Citrus Mangoretto* Chicken.
*For the people like Amber, mangoretto is……
I still don’t know what mangoretto is. I tried to look it up and nothing explained it. Is it because everyone knows what mangoretto is except for me?
Wait. A light just popped on in my head.
It has something to do with mangos, yes?
Then why don’t they just call it Citrus MANGO Chicken?
This is why I hate cooking.
This is why I stick to making easy things.
Cooking gives me one big giant headache.
However, I'll keep trying to branch out. Like on Friday, I'm making this beef stew recipe that has over 5 ingredients. I can do it. Wish me luck.
But for tonight, I'm sticking with something I know how to make well.
Tacos.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
The Amazon.Com Adventure
I don’t think I’ve mentioned it, but when we got home from our stay at the Denver Children’s Hospital, there was a message from UPS on the answering machine.
“Hi there! You had quite a bit of packages sitting outside your front door that didn’t get picked up. I was worried that someone might take them so I took them back to the building!”
So fine, I admit I had done some shopping before I knew we were going to have to go to the hospital. But it wasn’t my fault. Amazon was having a killer sale and I would have been a fool not to shop it. That’s not an excuse either. I would have been a fool not to take advantage of the wagon that was originally $169 that went on sale for $10. That’s not a typo. The wagon went to $10 for about ten minutes and I managed to score one. Among other things.
Tom and I were planning on picking up dinner anyhow. So I asked if we could stop by the UPS building because I had a few things waiting for me.
“Define a few,” Tom said, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Er...well, you know that cheap wagon I got? That’s waiting for me. With some other things,” I said vaguely.
“What other things?”
“Um. You know. Things.”
To be honest, I couldn’t exactly remember what all I ordered. The night the wagon went dirt cheap there were all sorts of deals popping up. It was like Amazon.com’s goal was exciting shopaholics everywhere. They’d have a deal for a few minutes, take it away and then put up another one. Some people would have found this irritating but it was like this huge rush for me. I’d find a deal, buy it, then another one would appear and I’d buy that too. Thank God for Amazon Prime, I have to say.
But anyhow, because of all the deals it was kind of a blur on what all I ordered. I knew I got the wagon...and that cheap Kai-Lan doll. And...crap...what else? I did know that nothing I ordered was over $15 so Tom couldn’t accuse me of overspending.
We drove to the UPS building and I went in. I gave the female worker behind the counter my name and her face brightened with recognition.
“Ahh yes. The one with all the packages,” she said, typing something into her machine.
Uh oh.
“Um. Exactly how many packages?” I asked lightly.
“Six,” the woman said, wrinkling her nose.
“Eight,” a man from the back called. “Two more came for her this morning.”
Shit! And my husband was out front.
“Eight?” I repeated dazedly.
“Eight,” the woman said as the man from the back started wheeling my packages out to me.
“What did you do?” he joked. “Buy all of Amazon.com?”
“There was a sale,” I said weakly. “A really good sale.
The woman handed me something to sign. “Do you need help getting this out?”
Tom was going to freak out when he saw all these boxes. And the thing was, I really didn’t get that much. Amazon.com is notorious for stuffing one thing into a box and then sending it. So really, I only had eight things. But Tom would take one look at all the boxes and throw a fit. Then I’d get a lecture on my ordering habits and I’d undoubtedly remind him that he spends just as much money on eating out when we had perfectly good food at home and that my things at least lasted while he just pooped his out. And yes, that’s a little grotesque but honestly, at least I have something to show for what I spend money on. What does Tom have? Trips to the bathroom, that’s what.
“Could you help me distract my husband?” I said as I scribbled my name.
The woman looked up with a start. “Excuse me?”
“I’ll do a dance and you can shove all of these into the back. If he sees all of this he might freak out,” I said. Surely she’d understand. Women share a bond after all.
“I’m not following,” she said, frowning. “Why are we dancing?”
SHIT!
And did she not hear me? I would be doing the dancing. She’d be doing the loading.
Where was the female bonding??!
“Just...nevermind. Thank you,” I said and grabbed a few boxes. I headed outside with two of them and Tom came out of the truck.
“Is this it?” he asked, opening the trunk.
“Er....”
Then the UPS lady came out with the rest of the boxes on one of those dolly things.
“Amber! What the hell?” Tom barked out.
“This isn’t as bad as it seems! I didn’t order that much, Amazon just stuffed in one toy per box!” I shouted as the UPS lady smirked. What was so funny? This wasn’t funny! She thought it was funny because she hasn’t had to sit through one of Tom’s lectures.
“Most of the things were under $10,” I explained.
“Jesus!” Tom grumbled. “And you bug me about buying food...”
Here it comes...the lecture...
“Thank you,” I said to the bemused UPS lady before I got into the truck.
“What other stuff did you order? We have enough stuff,” Tom complained as we drove away.
“Birthday presents! Remember, the children's birthdays are in March! It really wasn’t my fault, Amazon went nuts and put all these things on sale,” I argued.
“You know, here’s an idea, but you don’t have to buy every sale item,” Tom said thinly.
“I didn’t!” I said proudly. “If you only knew how many things I wanted to buy and didn’t. At least give me some credit.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “Fine. Just....no stuff for awhile, okay?”
“Okay.”
Then I got home and went through everything when the kids got to bed.
Here are some of the deals I got:
(The most expensive thing was that Kai-Lan doll at $14.99. Everything else was $6.99 and below. And not just everything pictured here, but everything in all the boxes total. I find it amusing that Kai-Lan was more expensive than the wagon..)
And who could resist this inchworm thing for $7.99? I think it was originally $39 or something.
“Who do you think is putting together the wagon?” Tom asked.
“Er...you?”
“Guess again,” Tom said.
Well. Okay. I might have to put together the wagon. But surely it can’t be difficult. Isn’t it basically put together already? Please say yes.
“Hi there! You had quite a bit of packages sitting outside your front door that didn’t get picked up. I was worried that someone might take them so I took them back to the building!”
So fine, I admit I had done some shopping before I knew we were going to have to go to the hospital. But it wasn’t my fault. Amazon was having a killer sale and I would have been a fool not to shop it. That’s not an excuse either. I would have been a fool not to take advantage of the wagon that was originally $169 that went on sale for $10. That’s not a typo. The wagon went to $10 for about ten minutes and I managed to score one. Among other things.
Tom and I were planning on picking up dinner anyhow. So I asked if we could stop by the UPS building because I had a few things waiting for me.
“Define a few,” Tom said, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Er...well, you know that cheap wagon I got? That’s waiting for me. With some other things,” I said vaguely.
“What other things?”
“Um. You know. Things.”
To be honest, I couldn’t exactly remember what all I ordered. The night the wagon went dirt cheap there were all sorts of deals popping up. It was like Amazon.com’s goal was exciting shopaholics everywhere. They’d have a deal for a few minutes, take it away and then put up another one. Some people would have found this irritating but it was like this huge rush for me. I’d find a deal, buy it, then another one would appear and I’d buy that too. Thank God for Amazon Prime, I have to say.
But anyhow, because of all the deals it was kind of a blur on what all I ordered. I knew I got the wagon...and that cheap Kai-Lan doll. And...crap...what else? I did know that nothing I ordered was over $15 so Tom couldn’t accuse me of overspending.
We drove to the UPS building and I went in. I gave the female worker behind the counter my name and her face brightened with recognition.
“Ahh yes. The one with all the packages,” she said, typing something into her machine.
Uh oh.
“Um. Exactly how many packages?” I asked lightly.
“Six,” the woman said, wrinkling her nose.
“Eight,” a man from the back called. “Two more came for her this morning.”
Shit! And my husband was out front.
“Eight?” I repeated dazedly.
“Eight,” the woman said as the man from the back started wheeling my packages out to me.
“What did you do?” he joked. “Buy all of Amazon.com?”
“There was a sale,” I said weakly. “A really good sale.
The woman handed me something to sign. “Do you need help getting this out?”
Tom was going to freak out when he saw all these boxes. And the thing was, I really didn’t get that much. Amazon.com is notorious for stuffing one thing into a box and then sending it. So really, I only had eight things. But Tom would take one look at all the boxes and throw a fit. Then I’d get a lecture on my ordering habits and I’d undoubtedly remind him that he spends just as much money on eating out when we had perfectly good food at home and that my things at least lasted while he just pooped his out. And yes, that’s a little grotesque but honestly, at least I have something to show for what I spend money on. What does Tom have? Trips to the bathroom, that’s what.
“Could you help me distract my husband?” I said as I scribbled my name.
The woman looked up with a start. “Excuse me?”
“I’ll do a dance and you can shove all of these into the back. If he sees all of this he might freak out,” I said. Surely she’d understand. Women share a bond after all.
“I’m not following,” she said, frowning. “Why are we dancing?”
SHIT!
And did she not hear me? I would be doing the dancing. She’d be doing the loading.
Where was the female bonding??!
“Just...nevermind. Thank you,” I said and grabbed a few boxes. I headed outside with two of them and Tom came out of the truck.
“Is this it?” he asked, opening the trunk.
“Er....”
Then the UPS lady came out with the rest of the boxes on one of those dolly things.
“Amber! What the hell?” Tom barked out.
“This isn’t as bad as it seems! I didn’t order that much, Amazon just stuffed in one toy per box!” I shouted as the UPS lady smirked. What was so funny? This wasn’t funny! She thought it was funny because she hasn’t had to sit through one of Tom’s lectures.
“Most of the things were under $10,” I explained.
“Jesus!” Tom grumbled. “And you bug me about buying food...”
Here it comes...the lecture...
“Thank you,” I said to the bemused UPS lady before I got into the truck.
“What other stuff did you order? We have enough stuff,” Tom complained as we drove away.
“Birthday presents! Remember, the children's birthdays are in March! It really wasn’t my fault, Amazon went nuts and put all these things on sale,” I argued.
“You know, here’s an idea, but you don’t have to buy every sale item,” Tom said thinly.
“I didn’t!” I said proudly. “If you only knew how many things I wanted to buy and didn’t. At least give me some credit.”
Tom rolled his eyes. “Fine. Just....no stuff for awhile, okay?”
“Okay.”
Then I got home and went through everything when the kids got to bed.
Here are some of the deals I got:
(The most expensive thing was that Kai-Lan doll at $14.99. Everything else was $6.99 and below. And not just everything pictured here, but everything in all the boxes total. I find it amusing that Kai-Lan was more expensive than the wagon..)
And who could resist this inchworm thing for $7.99? I think it was originally $39 or something.
“Who do you think is putting together the wagon?” Tom asked.
“Er...you?”
“Guess again,” Tom said.
Well. Okay. I might have to put together the wagon. But surely it can’t be difficult. Isn’t it basically put together already? Please say yes.
Monday, January 4, 2010
What Do You Mean Big Meal?
“So what big meal are we having on New Years Eve?” Tom asked. (The day before New Years Eve, I might add.)
I looked up with a start. What was wrong with Tom? Why was he using the words ‘big meal’ at me? Didn’t he realize that I had just done two big meals (Thanksgiving and Christmas thankyouverymuch) and that I was done with the big meals until next year? Sometimes I think he forgets that he’s not married to Martha Stewart.
“Um. I was thinking about popping a pizza in the oven and calling it a night,” I admitted with a shrug. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about a New Years Eve meal. I didn’t really think it was a big deal. So we’re ringing in the New Year. Big whoop. I got some sparkling grape juice to celebrate that. Wasn’t that enough?
“A pizza?” Tom spit out the word as though it were dirty.
“Yeah, I got the cheese stuffed crust one that you like,” I said grandly.
“A pizza?” Tom repeated. Now his nose was all scrunched up as though he were smelling his own fart, which I must say, can knock a grown man over. It’s disgusting.
“Look, if you want to make a ‘big meal’”—I made quotes with my fingers here—“then go for it. I won’t stop you.”
Tom frowned. “I know I don’t want to have a frozen pizza for dinner.”
I smiled sweetly. “Well, it won’t be frozen after it’s cooked.”
He stuck his tongue out. “You know what I mean. We have to have something...better…”
“And like I said, you’re welcome to make something better. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of a riveting episode of Dawson’s Creek. It’s the one where Dawson tells Joey to go with Pacey because he loves her so much that he wants her to be happy. It’s sweet, really, although when Joey runs off Dawson starts to cry and he looks constipated so I can’t help but laugh even though it’s supposed to be this poignant moment,” I said.
Tom looked confused. “So two dudes get it on in that show?”
“No, Tom. Joey is a girl. How many times do I have to explain this to you? Joey was played by Katie Holmes, who is now Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Can you believe that he tries to get people to call her Kate? It’s like, Tom, sorry, her name is Katie not Kate. How would he like it everyone started calling him Thomas Cruise?”
Tom shook his head. “Look, I don’t care about your girly shows. Can we get some good food on New Years Eve or what?”
I thought about it for a second. “I can make marinated chicken but that’s my final offer.”
“With mashed potatoes and corn?” Tom wondered hopefully.
“Sure, if you’ll make some devilled eggs.”
“Deal.”
So we had marinated chicken and the delicious devilled eggs. I can’t get enough of those things.
Tom went to bed before midnight since he had work the next day. Natalie passed out around nine. She kept saying, “Happy New Year!” every few seconds and it was cute the first few times but after awhile I wanted to pull off my ears.
Tommy stayed up with me though. He’s powered by ADHD so he was fully awake by 11:
He kept asking me all sorts of questions like what time was it in England (we used to live there and he still asks about it), did carrots really help you see better, would he be getting some Fun Slides because he really, really wanted some, what was Santa doing now, did he bring in the new year with his elves, when would he start Algebra and was it true that I really got a D in Algebra in high school (yes), and why was the moon blue outside, was it because Cookie Monster was sitting on it?
“How about we be quiet for a few minutes?” I suggested. I pressed a finger to my lips. “Hey, do you want to watch this show called Dawson’s Creek?”
“No, I want to watch the New Years show at New York. Can we go to New York someday? Can we see the Empire State Building? Kevin was in New York in Home Alone 2. He got the burglars again,” Tommy prattled on.
So we watched the New York show and I realized that I must be getting old because most of the singers that came on made my head ache.
Then it fell silent and I relished in the quiet and tried to read—it was ten minutes until midnight. But then I peeked on the couch and Tommy was passed out.
I was going to let him sleep but I figured he’d be upset when he woke up the next morning so I shook him awake.
“I wasn’t sleeping!” he told me.
Right.
We rang in the New Year together and then went to bed.
When I climbed into bed I kissed Tom’s head and whispered Happy New Year in his ear.
“The gym is down the street,” Tom mumbled.
Okay. Obviously he was sleep talking.
“Happy New Year, Tom,” I said again.
“I’d like an orange.”
“I love you, too, Tom. Here’s to a fantastic 2010.”
I looked up with a start. What was wrong with Tom? Why was he using the words ‘big meal’ at me? Didn’t he realize that I had just done two big meals (Thanksgiving and Christmas thankyouverymuch) and that I was done with the big meals until next year? Sometimes I think he forgets that he’s not married to Martha Stewart.
“Um. I was thinking about popping a pizza in the oven and calling it a night,” I admitted with a shrug. To be honest, I hadn’t even thought about a New Years Eve meal. I didn’t really think it was a big deal. So we’re ringing in the New Year. Big whoop. I got some sparkling grape juice to celebrate that. Wasn’t that enough?
“A pizza?” Tom spit out the word as though it were dirty.
“Yeah, I got the cheese stuffed crust one that you like,” I said grandly.
“A pizza?” Tom repeated. Now his nose was all scrunched up as though he were smelling his own fart, which I must say, can knock a grown man over. It’s disgusting.
“Look, if you want to make a ‘big meal’”—I made quotes with my fingers here—“then go for it. I won’t stop you.”
Tom frowned. “I know I don’t want to have a frozen pizza for dinner.”
I smiled sweetly. “Well, it won’t be frozen after it’s cooked.”
He stuck his tongue out. “You know what I mean. We have to have something...better…”
“And like I said, you’re welcome to make something better. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in the middle of a riveting episode of Dawson’s Creek. It’s the one where Dawson tells Joey to go with Pacey because he loves her so much that he wants her to be happy. It’s sweet, really, although when Joey runs off Dawson starts to cry and he looks constipated so I can’t help but laugh even though it’s supposed to be this poignant moment,” I said.
Tom looked confused. “So two dudes get it on in that show?”
“No, Tom. Joey is a girl. How many times do I have to explain this to you? Joey was played by Katie Holmes, who is now Tom Cruise’s prisoner. Can you believe that he tries to get people to call her Kate? It’s like, Tom, sorry, her name is Katie not Kate. How would he like it everyone started calling him Thomas Cruise?”
Tom shook his head. “Look, I don’t care about your girly shows. Can we get some good food on New Years Eve or what?”
I thought about it for a second. “I can make marinated chicken but that’s my final offer.”
“With mashed potatoes and corn?” Tom wondered hopefully.
“Sure, if you’ll make some devilled eggs.”
“Deal.”
So we had marinated chicken and the delicious devilled eggs. I can’t get enough of those things.
Tom went to bed before midnight since he had work the next day. Natalie passed out around nine. She kept saying, “Happy New Year!” every few seconds and it was cute the first few times but after awhile I wanted to pull off my ears.
Tommy stayed up with me though. He’s powered by ADHD so he was fully awake by 11:
He kept asking me all sorts of questions like what time was it in England (we used to live there and he still asks about it), did carrots really help you see better, would he be getting some Fun Slides because he really, really wanted some, what was Santa doing now, did he bring in the new year with his elves, when would he start Algebra and was it true that I really got a D in Algebra in high school (yes), and why was the moon blue outside, was it because Cookie Monster was sitting on it?
“How about we be quiet for a few minutes?” I suggested. I pressed a finger to my lips. “Hey, do you want to watch this show called Dawson’s Creek?”
“No, I want to watch the New Years show at New York. Can we go to New York someday? Can we see the Empire State Building? Kevin was in New York in Home Alone 2. He got the burglars again,” Tommy prattled on.
So we watched the New York show and I realized that I must be getting old because most of the singers that came on made my head ache.
Then it fell silent and I relished in the quiet and tried to read—it was ten minutes until midnight. But then I peeked on the couch and Tommy was passed out.
I was going to let him sleep but I figured he’d be upset when he woke up the next morning so I shook him awake.
“I wasn’t sleeping!” he told me.
Right.
We rang in the New Year together and then went to bed.
When I climbed into bed I kissed Tom’s head and whispered Happy New Year in his ear.
“The gym is down the street,” Tom mumbled.
Okay. Obviously he was sleep talking.
“Happy New Year, Tom,” I said again.
“I’d like an orange.”
“I love you, too, Tom. Here’s to a fantastic 2010.”
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