A State of Emptiness....

It has been a week since I posted anything on my blog. I have had nothing to give you...so much has happened. Sunday, after the funeral, when most everyone had gone back home I knew it was time to return my mom to the nursing home. She was beginning to look confused and disoriented. So, Frank and I loaded her up, went by the cemetary, and took her to the Dadeville Healthcare Center...that is when all hell broke loose. The thing I was dreading most came to fruition and my mom snapped. I was going to bury my father...and lose my mother...on the same day. This is a child's worst nightmare. When we got to the Center...she refused to stay...she shoved me out of her way (and when I looked in her eyes I realized she had no clue who I was), kicked my daughter, and took a swing at Frank. The nursing home was not capable of dealing with her like this...so we called in re-enforcements...Mary and Judy came...and spent the night with her. The doctor was coming to see her in the morning...and we were going to try and get her in a Psych ward somewhere. I sat outside the nursing home and cried....physically sick at my stomach...I had promised my dad I would take care of her...and now this was happening. Frank joined me on the curb...and I cried with him. We both agreed that counseling was something we needed to pursue. This whole adventure, from the missing parents to this was more than we could handle. After Judy and Mary arrived...we returned to my house....and slept wearily. Monday morning we got up and Barry and Joyce went to sit with my mom until the sitters could be arranged. Kat, Brian, and I went to see the doctor. He believed that she was a threat to herself and others and truly needed to be in a psych ward. They were all called....and there were no openings. We went home....worked around the house...and waited for a call. The call came at 5. We then had 2 hours to get her to Brookwood in Birmingham. Kat, Brian and Susan went to get my mom and bring her to Brookwood. Frank, Joyce and I went to Brookwood to give them my guardianship papers. We got there about 30 minutes ahead of them and made some arrangements. They arrived shortly after that and my mom was brought in....she was heavily medicated so she would be compliable. Once we had her set...now 9:00...we all left and headed back. On Tuesday, Susan and I went back to Brookwood to take her glasses to her. Susan went in and saw her...and she wanted Susan to take her home. She kept insisting that nothing was wrong with her...and she could not understand why she was there. Weds. the social worker, Kelly called and said my mom seemed to be doing fine and she might get to go back to Dadeville on Friday after the Doctor evaluated her on Thursday...On Thursday morning I got a call from my mom...she beligerently asked me to come and get her...even after I explained that I was sick...she ended her end of the conversation with, "If you don't come and get me....I will just walk home." I told her to do what she felt she needed to do. An hour or so later I called the social worker and she told me my mom would NOT be coming home on Friday...she had tried to get out of the unit and had taken a swing at the tech when he tried to stop her. I was actually relieved...and thought...wow...if I had known my not coming to get her would help her get the help she needed I would have done it on Tuesday. Friday rolled around and she called me and demanded I come and get her again. She said the doctor had said nothing was wrong with her and she could go home. I asked if there was someone there who could give me directions...and she gave me nurse, Shannon. Shannon said not to worry...she would not be coming home...the doctor had not said that...and that she was still trying to elope(escape). Kelly called later in the day and confirmed that it would be no earlier than Tuesday and that she would go back to the Dadeville Healthcare Center...via ambulance. She would not be able to come home...because she wanders. She would have to be in a locked down unit for her own protection. So here I sit...it is Saturday again...it has been a week since my dad died...and was buried...and I would love to have my mom wrap her arms around me and tell me it is going to be alright...but you know...it isn't going to be alright. My mom is gone and the woman inhabiting her body at the moment is a stranger...my best friend Susan left for Knoxville a few hours ago...and I am alone for the first time since my dad died...and struggling with this. Keep us in your prayers...my mom, my daughter, my sweet Frank, and me...death is a bitter pill to swallow...dementia...even more so. God Bless You all...and hug someone you love tonight and let them know you love them.

A Farewell Salute to My Dear Friend Claude

In this picture, taken three years ago at my Dad's 80th birthday party is one of the dearest men I know. His name is Claude Farris and he is just precious. He was my Aunt Shirley's boyfriend. Both of them have cancer. Today, my sweet Claude lost his fight with the big green monster and went home to be with his first wife and Jesus. I am thrilled that he is not going to be in pain any more....I am sad because he is leaving a huge hole in my heart. I adored this man. Several years ago...about ten I guess, Claude had everyone over to his house for a big cookout and sing along. He made sure he called me to see if I would be there. I apologized and told him how sorry I was but, I had tickets to see Garth Brooks and I could not pass that up. After that event passed every time I saw Claude he would tell me he'd been replaced by Garth...I'd argue that he hadn't...and he would play pout. It was our standard greeting. When he was diagnosed with cancer two years ago the playing subsided. Claude was in so much pain and just trying to exist...so everytime we would see each other I would assure him that I would never choose Garth over him again. He was my sweetie....and he was. I will miss Claude very much and I know a lot of other people will too. When you go to bed tonight...say a prayer for his family...and for my aunt. They will feel his absence the most. See you tomorrow for my last post before I fly out for San Diego.

Daddy and What Would Have Been Chemo Number 6.

Well...today would have been chemo number 6 and instead I am going to the radiation oncologists office at 3:00 to learn our fate. Since my dad came home from the hospital, where he missed chemo's 4 and 5, he appears to have deteriorated rapidly. He is in bed by 4, does not eat supper, does not eat much of anything, looks like a P.O.W. and makes me want to cry. This is not my father. My father is a vibrant man. He is funny, a great storteller, a wonderful dancer, a fabulous father, a loving man, a good friend, a Christian....and this man that is living in my house right now...in what was my father's body is none of the above. This man is sad, he does not talk anymore, he hasn't danced in over a year, he is still a loving man....it just takes a lot out of him for him to give love.....and he has not been to church in I can't remember when. I don't remember my father missing church much as a child....it just was not accepted....but now...I don't think he even remembers what it is....or where it is. Frank and I were talking the other day and he told me that there may come a time when I will have to tell my dad it is ok to give it up....that I will take care of my mom....and it is ok to say goodbye and let go. I cried while he talked....I don't want to let him go.....but I don't want him this way either...so today....at 3:00 when we gather at Dr. Jahraus's office....I will find out what God has in store for me, for my dad, and my family. Pray for us. I don't think my dad can do this anymore. I don't want him to suffer. I love this man...but sometimes quality of life is better than quantity.

Ode to Edna Rivers Duggar

I was part of the Sunbelt Writers Project during the summer of 1992. It seems like a bizzillion years ago....and I guess in the grand scheme of things it was. It has been 17 years. I was cleaning out a closet at school and found our complilation of writings. Several of mine made me smile....a couple made me laugh out loud....but the following one....left me feeling odd. I wrote about a lady in the cemetary, from the information on her tombstone....someone I never met....and yet...I hope someday someone will be able to speak so of me.

Edna Rivers Duggar

Poet-Author-Artist

My life was like a book, each day a different page. The daily doings that I lived were my expressions found in my poetry and my canvas creations.

I met my husband in Auburn. We were both just starting out. We courted through our education, burning our candles at both ends. We married soon after graduation and began our life's journey together. I vowed to stay his wife until death....and death had the final say.

My life was so full of love and beauty that I couldn't keep it all inside so I started to write it all down and share it. A friend once read a poem I had written for my child. We sent it off to New York and a reluctant author I became. I put my whole life on canvas and page. I bared my sould for all to see.

At my death lives a legacy, left inside my friends, the book and the painting. They made my life full.