What A Week!

I have not been here much this week as you all know. I have gone back to work and am visiting my parents each evening after work to help them adjust. The adjustment period is going to take a while for my mom. My dad seems fine with it. They have had a good many visitors but each time I go my mom brings up the fact they are just going to be there for a day and she has been trying to get Dr. Powers on the phone to get him to let them go home (here to my house) where SHE can and will take care of my dad. My uncle Trollis went to see them on Thursday and she told him to go get her car taken care of...when I left I called him immediately to make sure he did not follow her directive...she cannot drive again. My dad ran a fever this week and seems weak...although my mom says he is improving daily...all I see is a man in bed by 4...sound asleep. She tells me of all his activity during the day but the director says he has little activity during the day. I am afraid for them both. I have slept soundly for the last few days knowing that they are safe and cared for. My head knows they are in a good place...my heart is not getting the message. Last night about 8:30 my mom called and wanted me to come to the Meadows first thing this morning...8:00. I don't know what she wants...but I am sure it has to do with leaving. Sigh! I saw a lawyer this week. My mom won't willingly give me a power of attorney...because it is her business, not mine. So I am going to have to sue them for conservatorship and take control without their permission. This way of doing things involves them having to go to the Probate Judge...with a lawyer and having the judge decide if they need to have a guardian to handle their affairs. I am afraid if I don't do this they won't pay their bills and the rent at the Meadows. I also had to work on getting a DD214(record of military service)for my dad so that the VA will pay part of his rent. That has been hard too. I had to get my dad to sign the papers and his handwriting has gone down a lot. He writes like a child now. It is so sad to see him fail so each day. I hate being put in this predicament. If only they had had foresight enough to take care of all of this before their healths began declining it would have been so much easier. I told my daughter that I will not allow this to happen to her. I plan to take care of my daughter and Frank's daughter so they neither of them have to experience this when I begin to age....begin...who am I kidding. I have aged 100 years in the last week. It was good getting back to school. I loved having something to do to occupy my mind. I understand my mom's restlessness because I am just like her. I don't sit still well...never have....even as a child. I have always needed something to do....even if it was reading a book. My mom does not read any more. I think that is sad. Both of them used to read a lot. Our house was always filled with books and the library was my favorite place to go. I have learned a great deal from this experience....some stuff I really did not ever want to know. I know what the term BOLO (be on the lookout) means, I know what a Silver Alert is, I know about conservertorship is and why it is actually better than a power of attorney in this case, I have sat in a lawyers office and discussed family secrets, I have hired my first lawyer, I know I have lots of friends, and I know I am loved. For my readers who have walked this path I am currently on...you understand what is happening, why it is so painful, and that I will get through it. For my readers who have yet to experience it...it is not fun, you feel as if you are in a living nightmare, and it will pass (they say). For those readers who may never have to go through this...count your blessings and pray for those of us who have been there, are there, and will be there. My God is a good God and He will keep me sane throughout this mess. He will help me survive what is to come. I know this in my head. My heart is having a hard time with this too. Happy Saturday to you all! Thank you for the comments of support. You will never know how special you all are to me. I AM a STILL MAGNOLIA and I will make it!

Coping Mechanisms

For the past several months I have watched as my friends and I have had to deal with numerous stressful situations and observed numerous coping mechanisms we all seem to develop in order to deal with life. I wanted to know just exactly what the term coping mechanism meant so I went to a medical dictionary site and did a little research and found that a coping mechanism is any conscious or unconscious mechanism of adjusting to environmental stress without altering personal goals or purposes. Ahhh that is what I thought. So in the past few months, with the illness of my father and the deterioration of my mother's mental faculties I have developed a series of coping mechanisms. I laugh sometimes when my mom does something because if I don't I will cry. I look at my father and see the man he used to be...not the shell of a man he is now. I excuse things...lots of them. I was talking with my dear friend Rhonda one day recently and she was sharing her coping mechanism for dealing with the sudden death of her mom. She has a special place...it is not a physical one...it is a mental one. When she is hurting and can't seem to get a grasp on life...she pulls into her special place and there....everything is as it was before her mom died. We talked on and I began to wonder...which would be the worse thing to cope with...losing my dad quickly...with no warning....or watching him wither before my eyes. As you all know I am a daddy's girl. I love that man with all my heart...and it hurts me so to see him suffer every single day. I cry at night when I see how painful it is for him to move and just exist. I dig deep inside of me...to my own special place....just so I can find rest at night and grab any coping mechanism that works for me...I usually go back in time...back to a time when he was vibrant. In my head I watch the old 8mm movies we have of the man who looked like Tennessee Ernie Ford...and after a while I sleep. I work with six people who are dealing with situations very similar to mine. It is hell being a baby boomer with aging parents. Trina is dealing with a mother-in-law with altzheimers who lives away. She and John struggle with this all the time. Trina is dealing with this like Frank deals with my parents...and it is NOT an easy place to be in. Mary's mom has had a series of accidents and she lives 8 hours away. Mary's brother lives locally...but the two daughters live away. She beats herself up a lot because she can't do more. Her sweet husband Bill went and spent a week with her mom after the last fall so that brother Troy could attend his son's wedding. Beth and Jan are struggling with a declining parent and it is tough on them both. Mary Jean is dealing with her father...and Tammy was dealing with her dad...but he passed away right before school started back. There are probably more at the school but...this small core group has become a great support group. The local group for Altzheimers sufferers...meets each week at RMC during lunch time. I teach...that is not going to happen....so when I feel frustrated....or just need to cry/vent...I can find one of the core group and they understand. I have wonderful friends who love me...and my folks...but they don't understand what is happening to me. If you have not walked in my moccassins...then you really don't know where I am....what I am feeling....or what is happening. I wondered oftentimes if quick loss is not easier to cope with...but what is easier? Will it be easier once my father passes on...and I am left dealing with my mom?...or is it easier to deal with what I have now? Sigh...so from time to time...I visit the coping mechanism store and find a new one to get me through....and in the meantime I cling to Phillipians 4:13.."I can do all things through Christ[a] who strengthens me." I am glad I don't have to do this alone. Have a great weekend.

One Of Those Days!

Well, summer is here and I wish Calgon would take me away. Most of my readers know that my parents live with me and the high point of my dad's day is watching our 52" big screen television, which my husband gave up to him...rather reluctantly. Anyways, yesterday we were in the string of thunderstorms that blew through the central part of Alabama dropping over 2 inches of rain....and lightening hit our big television. My dad has no short term memory....so I have told him numerous times since last night that there is no picture...just sound. I have tried to set up a chair for him in my bedroom so he can at least watch my little bedroom television...but I am not sure he understands. My mom - losing long term memory....asks me continuously...what is wrong with the tv? I want to scream....and of course...as luck would have it....finances are not where we can run out and buy a brand new big screen tv to replace it! To top it all off....my dad came home from his 7 a.m. doctor's appointment with a walking boot on. What was the Othropedic thinking???? The man can barely walk with regular legs...now he has a rocking boot thing on. It is going to be one of those days I think. I know this is probably a trivial thing to most people...but it is a major deal for me right now. I have to find a way to keep my dad happy and occupied...so I am trying to find a tv...besides the little 13 incher I have hidden away in the closet to take to the booth to sell. Keep your fingers crossed that this is just a minimal and temporary set back...and that I survive summer at home with my parents!

Life 101: It Is What It Is.

My dear friend Jeannie sent me an email today titled my wish for you in 2009. I read it over and felt at peace. I truly believe in the words that came with the email and had to share them with you today.

"There comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore.. and who always will. So, don't worry about people from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

I teach high school and have come to understand the term that we all have baggage in our lives. No one ever walks away from baggage. Whatever happens in your life....you carry with you forever. I am a living example of that. Decisions that I make and have made all were the results of the baggage I carry. Once hurt twice shy is true. I almost missed out on a good thing because I was afraid of being hurt again. Fortunately I realized the error of my decision before it was too late. I grew up with parents that adored each other and are still happily married after 58 years. I thought that is the way marriage was supposed to be....well....I found out....it isn't. Not everyone gets the brass ring....or rides off into the sunset with the prince. I see kids and fellow collegues fighting battles every day....whether it be aging or sick parents, sickness themselves, children who have turned and walked away, abuse, it does not matter....I have come to see that we all have battles to fight.....and how we cope with them truly does make the difference. I can be depressed and sad....and become a negative talking person.....or I can chose to make life the best I can ......I personally....chose to let go....and let God. He can handle it. Have a good one!

An Only Child of Aging Parents

Today I was a little frustrated about being an only child. I was surfing the internet to find some information on caring for the elderly, dementia, and alzheimers when I cam across something far more valuable. There...in bold letters was a section called Beatitudes on Aging. I read each one and sat at my desk feeling very small and kind of sick at my stomach. I had just had a feeling of frustration for having to take my parents visiting tonight when I really wanted to just read....but....then I read the following words:
"Blessed are those who understand my faltering step and weakened hand.
Blessed are those who know that my ears today must strain to catch the things they say.
Blessed are those with a friendly smile who just stop by to visit a while.
Blessed are those who never say "You have already told that story twice today."
Blessed are those who make it known that I am loved, respected, and not alone.
Blessed are those who through love and care ease the days of my journey home in so many ways. " I felt very small after reading this. I like to think I am a patient person...and have become a much more patient person since my parents moved in with us three years ago....but the last few weeks have been rough. I know most of it is because I am not at work....I am off for the summer....so I have no where to run. My mother and father are both faltering more and more each day. They walk like elderly people. When did that happen? When did the vibrant parents I remember....grow old? I have to repeat most of what I say....at least twice...sometimes even more....especially for my father. His hearing aids sit in a jewelry box in the bedroom instead of his ear canals. I wish THEIR friends WOULD stop by and visit them....but during the course of the three years they have lived here....their friends seem to have forgotten them. That breaks my heart....people that they did so much for when they were active in their community...don't give them the time of day. My parents spent many afternoons....delivering tapes of their church services and visiting the shut ins....and now the tables have turned and no one brings them even a bulletin. They have not been to church in two years. These are parents who raised me in a Christian home....where we always went to church....I go....they stay at home....it is so sad. My mom says she does not feel up to going to church....my dad does not even know what day it is. My dad repeats himself a lot....I have decided to get a mike for my lap top and get him to start recording his stories....they will be gone when he is. My parents are so appreciative of anything....feeling needed, feeling loved, just getting up....and I know that when they are no longer with me....I will grieve deeply...being an only child is hard. My husband Frank is a saint. It is not easy to let someone come live with you....we were basically newlyweds when they moved in....yet, he just takes it in stride. Oh....he gets angry sometimes....so do I....but he is a loving man....when he told me I do....he never realized...how much that would involve. Some day I will be old too....and I have one daughter...what will become of me....of us. Kathryn and Amy will be in charge...better not make them mad....they will be the ones picking out our nursing homes. I want a nice one. Remember that girls!