The Don'ts On Airplane Travel

I’ve been on airplanes a lot and have experienced all sorts of passengers: the chatty ones, the quiet ones, the ones who get comfortable with you quickly and lean their chair back into your lap.....

So I figured I’d make a list of things NOT to do while on an airplane.




Don’t lean your chair all the way back. It’s rude. I get that you probably paid an obscene amount for your seat so you feel you should be as comfortable as you want. But please remember there is a PERSON behind you who doesn’t appreciate your head in their laps. Should this occur, a drink might “accidentally” splash on you.



Don’t keep talking if the person next to you pulls out a book and starts to read. This signals that they are done conversing. I once had a lady jabber on while I was reading a People magazine. I’ll talk for a few minutes and then I need to read so I’m distracted when we take off. Otherwise in the middle of our conversation I’ll be like, “Holy crap, we’re moving. I hope we don’t die,” and this might scare you.



Don’t automatically hog the armrests. Especially if my arm is already on it. I’m polite and will take my arm off after awhile so the person next to me has a chance to use it. But some people immediately take it for themselves, refusing to share. Or, and this happened once, they’ll put their arm over mine on the armrest. That’s uncomfortable. Especially if you stink.



Don’t plug your earphones into my earphone plug. Look around for yours. This way I don’t have to tap you and say, “Excuse me, you’re using my plug.” Don’t have the nerve to look annoyed with ME for disturbing your precious music. Had you looked around more, I wouldn’t have had to bother you.



Don’t toss me dirty looks if my kids are being loud. This is the year 2011, kids aren’t just made to be seen and not heard. I will tell my kids to settle down if they get too noisy but I’m not going to ask them to hush if they are asking me questions. Trust me, if I don’t answer them right away, they only get louder. I wish there were airplanes for people with children only like you do, because when you toss me a dirty look, I want to toss my peanuts in your face.



Don’t bathe in cologne or perfume. I once had a person sit next to me who smelled as though they had sprayed the entire bottle of Calvin Klein on. I could even taste it in my mouth whenever I’d breathe in. That's disgusting, people.



Don’t constantly get up to use the bathroom if you are in the window seat. It’s annoying to the other two people beside you who have to constantly stand up and scoot into the aisle whenever you have to go. If you have a bladder problem, try to get an aisle seat. You can request these things when you book your ticket.



Don’t watch obscene movies beside me. I don’t want to watch soft porn on an aircraft, thanks. I’d rather not have to explain to my kids why the two adults are wrestling.

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Do you have anything I ought to add? I was tempted to put, "don't eat the airplane food" but not a lot of airlines serve it. Unless you want to pay for your limp noodles and mystery meat...