I Am

I was the not always only child,

the lonely child,

the child with large, pain-racked eyes,

every mothers dream child,

never a bother,

never seen or heard,

"I am sorry - it was all my fault,"

I screamed our within myself.

I was the child with Shirley Temple's curls,

the color of sunlight,

blue-gray eyes that looked for answers,

yet found none,

starched dresses in blues,

whites, lavenders, or greens,

the pretty one,

the hurting one,

my friends took care of me for a while,

I was the fragile one,

and slowly I healed...

or so everyone thought.

The fragility turned into a bitter hardness,

withdrawing into my shell,

I told the world to go to hell,

my parents were confused,

but let me fight my own

inner teenage wars...alone.

I wanted to escape and run off to

Paris, England, Scotland,

but I ended up here....

here with you and your children.

Then I was the wife, the mom,

the daughter.

Where was the I?

I searched for myself everywhere

and finally,

entered the halls of knowledge,

there I was, waiting patiently

I grew like bluebonnets

along a Texas highway.

I discovered that even though I was

a wife, a mother, a daughter,

I was someone in my own right...

myself, me.

Then I sat down

with paper and pen

The pains escaped from within my heart

and mind through my fingers,

I looked down and found myself.....

WRITING!

Honest Scrap

I was checking out my blogs this evening....and one of my favorite.....Last Shreds of Sanity....had a little questionaire going and I thought it was worth the effort. I have several friends I want to award with an Honest Scrap award....so I have a the rules. You can follow them....or modify them for yourself. The choice is yours. I will probably bend them a bit....because I am that kind of girl.

A. List 10 honest things about yourself - and make it interesting, even if you have to dig deep!
B. Pass the award on to 7 bloggers you feel embody the spirit of the Honest Scrap. If anyone else wants to do this, feel free to do so, just please let me know that you did it so that I can come and read yours. Ok, ready or not....here are 10 totally honest things about me.

1. I hate to be at a stop light and hear the music in the car next to me. Music courtesy is a must. I do not want to hear your Ipod playing either....with the earpieces in YOUR ears.
2. I am adult ADD. When I was a kid....we were called incorrigible.....they did not have drugs for it then. I survive without drugs now....but sometimes...when someone is tapping a pencil on a desk....it sends me off the deep end. I can multi task...but not if there are too many things going on.....activity distracts me.
3. I sang for Kennedy and Nixon....when I was in second grade and a junior in high school. I wish I could say it was truly FOR them....it was more to them. They both attend programs I was in....and I had a little solo part.....but still....I mean come on....two presidents.
4. I stuffed succotash in an empty milk carton in second grade....only to be ratted out by a classmate and made to eat the milky mess.....gagging every bite. I hate succotash to this day.
5. My first car, a 1968 Satellite, I have street raced. My dream...and I am sure the dream of every little girl....was to be a funny car driver....like Shirley Muldowney....or be in the powerpuff derby. Something about smashing cars....was an emotional rush for me.
6. I have actually fried an egg on the pavement in Yuma.....to prove to my kids how hot it was. I drew quite a crowd....and amazed people on the streets with my culinary prowess.
7. Bad thing.....I have an addictive personality. When I start things....I do it like gang busters until the next new thing comes along. I also overindulge in other ways too....so keep the chocolate cake locked up when I am around.
8. I am the queen of sarcasm. I teach high schoolers....what else do I get to do for entertainment. My aging parents also live with me....both have lost some of their faculties...if I did not have sarcasm....I would be depressed all the time....but sarcasm....keeps the humor alive.
9. I have some really short arms. If I drop my hands to my side...my hands don't even reach the tops of my thighs.....kind of funny.....our school adopted fingertip length as a dress code skirt length once....til I stood up in a faculty meeting and dropped my arms. After the laughter subsided....I was not sure whether I was angry, hurt, or what. I could have auditioned for a part in the Wizard of Oz as a munchkin with these arms...lets face it.
10. I won't eat alone in a restaurant....if I can't get it to go....I won't get it at all.

I am passing the award on to: Marty's Musings, Trina, Sweet Tea, Bloggeritaville, Andy, Kelsey, and MMMM....Smell This.

The Season of a Friend

Diana, Susan, Kat and Casey - the girls from AP class.

Kat, Raegan, Julie Mac - Picture 1 Amy, Kat, and Elizabeth - Picture 2

Kat and Jill - airport park Jessica and Kat - TN.

Jill, Jan, Scott, Kat - K'ville

The Queen Bees - Beth, Merf (Mary Rachel), and Kat - Madwind Road

I was looking through some pictures, scanning some for a photo project I am working on, and I found several pictures of my daughter Kat and her friends from childhood. It is kind of a funny story....at one time my whole Sunday School class was in various stages of expectancy....so it was only natural that our children all grew up as friends....the sad part about friendships are that they change when we get older....and friends that we were inseperable from when we were twelve....we may never hear from again after we marry......sooooo...while I was working on the project....I felt the need to blog and here I am. I used this poem in the photostory....and thought I would share it and some of the pictures with you today....after all...Valentines day is not just about your significant other....it is telling all the special people in your life that they are special....isn't it? So to all of Kat's friends....whereever you are right now....Happy Valentines Day. My life is a bit richer because you walked through my door.

The Way It Should Be
by Vergil F.e. Tudtud

Solitude have I to endure,seemingly held with disclosure.

A fellow left astray,as yet from yesterday.

Flashing your dainty, disarming smile,warms my heart every once in a while.

Our longtime kinshipwill always bloom with friendship.

It has never been so profound,a lifetime friend have I found.

Let our friendship be a bond,which can never be like a dry pond.

Let us not forget the dreams we share,forever like sisters or brothers we care.

You'll always be a friend to me,and that's the way it should be.

The Torture Device

So, okay, I may have gained a few pounds.

My WiiFit never fails to point this out.

I decided that I ought to go to the gym. Yes, I totally cheated on my WiiFit. But I've started to get bored of the exercises that it offers.

So today I headed to the gym.

The gym on base is a nice one. It has rows and rows of elliptical machines and treadmills.

I imagine there is even weight room. But I don't venture back there as I'm a weakling and watching men pump iron tends to make me giggle. Because they start to grunt and it sounds like they're trying to expel a giant poo or something.

There is a room in front of the ellipticals where you can leave your children. This is where I led Natalie and she began to look wary as we entered the room. It was filled with colorful toys and a TV was blaring Noggin.

"You can stay and play in here," I said. "Mommy will be right there." I jabbed my finger in the direction of the ellipticals.

"No," Natalie instantly said and latched herself onto my leg.

I unclasped her hands and bent down to her level.

"Natalie, I don't think you understand. Your Mommy is gaining weight. Mommy needs to work out. So I just need you to play in here for twenty minutes. Just twenty minutes. Look, there's another little girl," I said, gesturing to a raven-haired child who looked to be around two. And okay, I'm not making fun, but she had a total unibrow going on which reminded me of that evil baby on The Simpsons. She looked like the type of child who had a name like Gert.

"Don't look at me!" Raven-haired-unibrow-maybe Gert suddenly shouted at me.

Oh.

Um.

"Okay," I said quickly. "Maybe stay away from that one. How about...er...him?" I pointed to a little boy in the corner of the room who was gripping his blanket and rocking back and forth muttering, "Mom? Mom? Mom?"

Hrm.

Slim pickings.

In the end, Natalie became distracted by the television. Dora the Explorer came on and she got excited and started jumping up and down.

"Dora! Dora!" she shrieked.

"Dora smells," Unibrow child said knowingly.

Does she? I wouldn't know. As she's a cartoon.

But I just forced a smile, kissed Natalie on her head and rushed out to the elliptical machine.

I was a little nervous as I got onto it. It's been awhile. I think the last time I've been on one was in England, when I used to work out with Jennifer.

This one had a lot of buttons.

I pushed one and it started beeping at me.

Oh crap. Oh crap!

I pushed another button and the beeping stopped.

Phew.

Then I found another button that asked me what type of workout I wanted.

"Easy," I muttered. But I pushed medium. Because I need to push myself.

Then I started moving.

And one minute into it, I was gasping for air.

Why the HELL did you choose medium? EASY you always go with EASY! You can't do MEDIUM. Are you INSANE!?

I felt like I was going to to keel over three minutes into the workout.

I didn't even hear my daughter's voice at first.

But then I came to and realized she was standing in the doorway shouting, "Mom? MOM?"

She looked horrified. She probably thought I was being tortured. Which, in fact, I was.

Natalie's voice rang through the entire room and I instantly worried that she was disturbing the other patrons working out.

There was one chick who had to be on the hard setting because she was BOOKING IT on the elliptical and wasn't even breaking a sweat. Damn.

"MOM?" Natalie said again.

I wished that she had a sweeter voice when she called for me. Instead it's an annoying like Janice-from-Friends voice.

I climbed off the elliptical and waddled over to Natalie. Yes, I waddled because my legs felt like jelly and I was worried that I was going to go face first into the floor.

"What is it?" I asked softly, knowing full well that I looked ridiculous wobbling in front of Natalie. I was sort of bent over and I imagine sweat was dropping from my brow.

"All done," Natalie informed me. Then, to prove her point, she started marching towards the exit.

"Not all done," I said, limping after her. I scooped her up and brought her back into the room.

Unibrow was glaring at us and the little boy continued to clutch at his blanket.

"I just need ten more minutes," I told Natalie. I rummaged through the pile of toys and found an Elmo guitar. "Look. It's Elmo. You LOVE Elmo."

Natalie pressed one button and then dropped it.

Hrm.

Okay then.

I tried to get her interested in a book.

She refused to even look at it.

So I had to give her the emergency toy.

AKA my cell phone.

I dug it out of my purse and handed it over.

"Do not let anyone else mess with this," I said seriously.

Natalie was already happily pressing the buttons. "And don't, you know, call China or anything," I added, before darting out of the room.

Back onto the elliptical I went.

Six minutes in, I longed for Natalie to come out and call me again. I needed a break! Come on kid, come out and call for MOM. Mom needs to rest.

Eight minutes in I was all, Natalie, Natalie, come out, please. Mommy can't BREATHE and would like an excuse off this thing.

When it hit ten minutes, I called it a day. I was gasping for air and I imagine my face was bright red.

I passed by the woman who was on the hard setting. She was happily going about her business and when I glanced at her machine, I saw she was FORTY FIVE minutes into it.

FORTY FIVE MINUTES?

On hard?

Was she real? Was she part alien?

Forty five minutes? ON HARD.

I'd die.

I limped into the room to retrieve my kid.

"Natalie," I gasped out.

She was in front of the TV, watching Dora.

And I realized she was NOT holding my cell phone.

Oh crap.

"Natalie? Where is the phone?" I asked her through heavy breaths. So it came out as..."Nat-a-leeeee....where.....is.....the...ph---one?"

But she wouldn't answer. Of course. Now that we were leaving, she was finally enamored with the TV.

Then I heard the familiar beeping of the numbers of my phone being pushed.

And I saw that Unibrow had it.

Great.

So I headed for her and she immediately cowered back. "GET AWAY!" she bellowed and then darted back to where the frightened boy sat.

"MY BLANKIE!" the boy suddenly screamed when Unibrow got too close. "MY BLANKIE!"

Unibrow was squatting down and continued messing with my phone.

"Sweetheart," I said in my best I'm-like-freakin'-Mary-Poppins-you-can-trust-me voice. "I need my phone back. I'm ready to go home." I gave her a wide smile and held my hand out.

She stared at me for a few seconds and I thought she was contemplating handing it over.

But no.

Instead she yelled, "NO!" and rushed over to the front of the room.

Good gracious kid. Can you not see that I'm in PAIN? Must you move so fast?

I slowly headed over to Unibrow. I felt a drop of sweat run down my cheek. Gross.

"I really need my phone back," I tried again. "I--"

"MOM-MEEEEEE!" Unibrow let loose with all her might.

And a few seconds later, guess who showed up?

Yup, that lady who was on HARD and wasn't even breaking a sweat!

She walked into the room looking as though she had just finished flipping through a magazine. Her HAIR wasn't even out of place.

"What's wrong, Ashley?" the woman sing-songed. She wasn't even GASPING for breath.

The hell?

Unibrow--er, I mean ASHLEY--shot me a death look and uttered one word: "Mean."

Mean?

What?

I just wanted what was MINE back.

That's not mean.

That's, you know, repossession.

I figured that this non-sweating mother could totally beat me up. She looked the type who did Taebo and what not. So I gave a sweet smile and explained the situation.

"Ashley, you need to give the phone back," Alien Mother said in a non-authorative voice.

So of course Ashley didn't take her seriously.

"NOOOO!" Ashley bellowed and rushed off to the back of the room.

Oh for the love of--

I didn't think I had the STRENGTH to move. So I sort of stood there stupidly and then Alien Mother realized that she ought to follow her kid. So, and I'm not kidding, in three easy strides she was beside her daughter and was saying something about making homemade zucchini bread when they got home and I guess she threatened that Ashley couldn't have any because a few minutes later, Ashley dropped the phone.

I tried not to show my distaste as Alien Mom handed my phone back. (I mean ZUCCHINI bread? What about, I don't know, chocolate CHIP bread? Who wants bread with vegetables in it?)

"Sorry," she said in a honey-laced voice and handed my phone over.

"Oh, that's okay," I lied even though I had wanted to take Ashley by her ankles and swing her around my head until she dropped my danged phone.

But, let's be honest, I wouldn't have had the strength for that anyway.

My Valentines Thought

The high school's newpaper came out today and there on the Cinder Sweeties page was the most awesome of quotes by one of my favorite authors. So, since this is Valentine's Day weekend I thought I would share it with you and wish you a Happy Valentine's Day!

"I am nothing special of this I am sure. I am just a common man with common thoughts. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But I've loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, that has always been enough." - Nicholas Sparks.

What a powerful thought. God bless you all this weekend....and stay safe!

Movie Day for Me

Yesterday I got to see He's Just Not That Into You.

I read the book when it came out and thanked the Lord that I was no longer in the dating scene. I'd be so lost. One of the rules state that if a guy wants to call you, then he will. But suppose he's shy and takes a few days to muster up the courage?

Tom watched the kids. Awhile back he went to see Gran Torino because Clint Eastwood is one of his heroes. I lost count of the number of times that he's subjected me to Heartbreak Ridge which has a younger Clint Eastwood in it cursing left and right. The movie is over two hours long. It's like, hello Tom, I've learned not to put on The Notebook in your presence. Can't you be equally kind and not put in movies that put me to sleep?

I've given up over trying to get him to enjoy The Notebook. I thought I could make him squeeze my hand and say in a loving voice, "You know, they remind me of us," while gesturing to Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams kissing frantically in the rain.

Want to know what I got instead?

Tom blowing raspberries at the screen and going, "Oh PUH-LEASE," every three seconds.

Oh well.

Because he got to see Gran Torino , I was able to pick out a movie. I decided on He's Just Not That Into You because I remembered the book and quite frankly, I wonder about what the rules are these days. I don't recall there being rules when Tom and I started dating. Of course, we were in high school. The only rules that existed then were the rules made by our parents.

Natalie was not amused over the fact that I was leaving. She saw me putting on my jacket and rushed to grab hers.

"I comes?" she asked hopefully.

"You're staying with your Daddy," I responded.

She tossed her jacket angrily on the floor and jumped up and down in horror. The Terrible Twos are going to be so much fun. Really.

"Tom," I called out as I put on my jacket. "Remember to cut up her burger and give her this fork to eat with. I don't know why, but she won't eat with any other fork. I'm leaving it on the counter. Make sure Tommy finishes his homework. You'll have to watch him while he does it because otherwise he starts drawing pictures all over it and you have to remind him to stay on task. Also--"

I hadn't even realized that Tom was in front of me. I was so focused on rambling out my requests that I was shocked when his palm went over my mouth.

"Amber. I'm their father. I know how to take care of my children," Tom reminded me gently. He removed his hand and kissed the top of my head. "Go. I've got this."

Oh.

Right.

Sometimes I forget that he's a grown adult. I suppose this slips my mind because I see that he can't be bothered with putting his laundry in the basket even though the basket is a few feet away from where he likes to dump his clothes. I have it in my mind that if he can't do something as simple as that, how is he going to be able to keep two human beings alive?

I left a few seconds later. I heard Natalie's angry shouts and Tom telling her not to cry, that they could play horsie.

Her cries abruptly stopped because horsie is all the rage in this household these days.

I headed to the cinema and it was eerily quiet.

There was no one around.

I went up to the booth to order my ticket and I didn't see anyone in there.

But then the woman popped out of nowhere and nearly gave me a heart attack.

"I'm sorry," she gushed. "I didn't mean to scare you!"

"It's okay," I replied. "I scare easily."

I ordered my ticket and she handed it over. Then she asked if I was getting popcorn.

"Yes," I answered.

"Great," she chirped. "I'm working the concession stand too!"

Only in Wyoming, I guess.

She rushed over and put on a concession stand hat. I had to swallow a giggle back because she reminded me of Kirk, the character in Gilmore Girls , who had more jobs than I could keep count of.

I ordered a small popcorn ("with lots of butter please") and a medium diet coke.

I had SnoCaps tucked away in my purse.

I know.

For shame.

But I'm not about to fork over three dollars for something that I can find for one.

Then I headed for the theater and realized there was only one other woman in there.

I didn't feel like a total loser at least. I mean, she was alone too.

Or so I thought.

A few minutes later a guy joined her.

Hrm.

Then another guy walked in and sat in the back. I didn't see anyone join him.

I wonder if he was watching the movie for tips?

Or I bet he had a crush on Scarlett Johannsen. A lot of men do. Something about her lips?

Trivia questions were appearing across the screen. From that, I learned that we blink our eyes an average of 6.2 million times in a lifetime.

That's a whole lotta blinking.

Then the previews started. While those were blaring across the screen, I dumped my SnoCaps in the popcorn.

Mmm, a salty and sweet treat.

Seriously, it rocks.

There were eight previews in all.

There was one for DC Comics or something like that. I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to take a man seriously when he's wearing a cape. Oh, and colorful spandex.

Then the movie started. Jennifer Connolly was in it. Some people may know her from A Beautiful Mind. Me? I know her as Sarah from Labyrinth which was one of my favorite movies as a child.

I nearly expected her to be all, "For my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom is as great...you have no POWER over me!"

But that would have made no sense in this particular movie.

The film was enjoyable. And I realized that I was developing a crush on Justin Long. Though I read that he hooked up with Tila Tequilla. I mean, really? Tila TEQUILLA? Didn't she make her potential suitors eat pig's vagina? I remember The Soup making fun of the show and Tila chirped out, "You'll all be eating PIG'S VAGINA!" as though it were the most exciting thing ever.

It probably was. For her.

I admit, I get a kick out of watching people eat disgusting dishes.

After the movie, I headed to Chick-fil-a to pick up my beloved sweet tea.

Oh sweet tea, how I love thee.

Then, back to the house I went.

I'm never sure how the house will look after I've returned. Sometimes it resembles the aftermath of a tornado. So when I walked through the front door, I was surprised when the house was clean.

And that Tom had vacuumed.

"You cleaned," I said in a shocked voice. I walked over to Tom, who was stretched out on the couch watching Spongebob with Natalie on his lap. "You're GROWING UP," I added dramatically. It was probably because of the movie that I was behaving like that. In the movie, some characters grew up. Others...well...they didn't.

"Um?" Tom said, looking confused. "I cleaned because the house was a mess."

"You're growing up," I repeated, kissing his cheek.

"Uh? I guess?" Tom decided to just go along with my nonsense. He's learned it's easier that way.

Then I went into the kitchen and saw that Tommy's homework was done.

"And you had Tommy do his homework!" I shrieked.

Tom followed me in and looked perplexed. "You asked me to," he reminded me.

I threw my arms around him. "I know! And you LISTENED!"

Tom patted my back politely a few times. "Are you okay?"

I kissed his lips. "Thank you for not playing games with me while we were dating."

"Huh?"

"You never played games with me while we were dating. You called when you said you'd call. You told me flat out how you felt about me. I'm just saying that I appreciate it," I said with a nod.

Tom's eyebrows knitted together. "Are you feeling okay? Seriously?"

"I'm fine!" I said lightly and scooped Natalie up. She had marched over and was starting to tell me off in her baby language. "I just wanted to say that I appreciate you."

Tom still looked shocked. He stood for a few seconds and scratched his head. Then he shrugged and went, "Well...thanks..." and gave me another bewildered expression before heading for the computer.

I do appreciate him.

Now, if only he could replace the toilet paper roll when he uses the last of it.

Then I could appreciate him even more.

What Am I Here For?

If you have not read Rick Warren’s book, “The Purpose Driven Life,” you should. I read it three years ago….and it is still haunting me. Every day I look to see if my life has purpose….I know from my reading of this book that my life should be purpose driven but often it is not. Sometimes my life is circumstance driven and it is when it is in that mode that I do not function well. Many times I ask myself…Just why am I here? What is my purpose? What is the true meaning of life? What is the true meaning of MY life? It seems when I ask these questions that I am in the All About Me Mode…..and to be honest…I am. But let me tell you (and myself) It's not about me. It is all about God….and a person’s life cannot be truly successful unless he/she knows his/her purpose in life. Col 1:16 tells us that-“ For by Him were all things created, that are in heaven and that are in earth, visible and invisible, whether they be thrones or dominions, or principalities or powers; all things were created by Him and for Him.” Hello…should that not send up a big red flag? I mean come on….it firmly states that I was made by God for God. I was made for His purposes…..because He never creates anything without a purpose. So I am back asking myself….”How do I discover said purpose?” I believe there are two ways…the hard way….without God…and the easy way….with God. Have you ever asked God…..”What on earth have you put me here for?’ I have…and I am sure he probably laughed his head off….God wove a tapestry…..and I am in it. I am not an accident…..I was planned….and I am loved….by God. Carole King (one of my favorite singers did a song in the early 70’s called “Tapestry) and it fits my thoughts so well today that I had to share the lyrics with you:

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue

An everlasting vision of the ever-changing view

A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold

A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold

Once amid the soft silver sadness in the sky

There came a man of fortune, a drifter passing by

He wore a torn and tattered cloth around his leathered hide

And a coat of many colors, yellow-green on either side

He moved with some uncertainty, as if he didn't know

Just what he was there for, or where he ought to go

Once he reached for something golden hanging from a tree

And his hand come down empty

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road

He sat down on a river rock and turned into a toad

It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell

And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn't know him well

As I watched in sorrow, there suddenly appeared

A figure gray and ghostly beneath a flowing beard

In times of deepest darkness, I've seen him dressed in black

Now my tapestry's unraveling; he's come to take me back

He's come to take me back.

The lyrics of this song tell me that my life is a test, a trust and a temporary assignment. God test my faith , love, obedience, and character every day. One day He will come to take me back….and on that day He is going to ask me "Karen, what have you done with what I gave you?" I shiver in my boots when I think on how I will answer that question….some days I will be able to look Him in the eye and proudly tell Him what I have done….other days I am ashamed to say….I will answer Him with my head looking downward out of shame. I must remind myself daily that life is preparation for eternity. So if life is preparation….then how can I fulfill God's purposes and bring glory to God? I understand from bible studies and Sunday School, and church that if I fulfill God's purposes on earth I will share in the bounty of heaven one day. I have to remind myself daily that a life without meaning is wasted. I truly believe that I was made to bring pleasure to God in worship. From the first moment I stepped in a choir loft to sing God’s praises….whether it be a chancel choir….singing traditional music….or the Arbor singing contemporary songs….I am loving my God with every lyric, note, movement to the max. When I sing on Sunday’s….it is a case of total surrender to me….for a brief shining moment….I totally abandon myself into His arms….worship for me…..is a lifestyle. If I could only do one thing in my life…..it would be worship. When I go to church on Sunday….or Weds….or whatever day….it is my safety zone ….and a place where I can find God….when I can’t seem to find Him anywhere else. I am refreshed here….I am revived here….I am renewed here….I am alive! It is the place I can escape the trials of the world….hummm….I am missing something here….God is with me always….so I need to just relax…and trust God to be there…..You know….when I became a Christian….it happened in the blink of an eye…..but it has taken me the rest of my life to strive to be Christ-like….So….with that in mind….I am asking God to make me useable…an effective character…..that effectively serves….useable….that is what I want to be when I grow up. Happy Thursday to All!