Did I Say That?

Frank and are getting ready to go and check out Power's Crossroads Festival and I am feeling kind of froggy this morning because I know this is a long weekend.....and when Marcus sent me this email I thought I would give you another laugh for today.  I will have pictures of the festival on tomorrow's post.  I just love the church bulletin bloopers....as someone who puts a bulletin together....these things are easy to do....and oh what a laugh they get.  I hope you don't mind...but I had to comment on a few.  Happy Saturday to you all!

Church Bulletin Bloopers for September 4, 2010:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. (I guess we are stocking up before doing without.)


The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale... It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. (Hummmmm.....is that a Freudian slip or what?)

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. (I know people who really believe this!)

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. (I think she sang at my church a long time ago....I remember the agony!)

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. (oh my...do we get a choice?  Is it like pound puppies and kitties?)

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. (beans, beans, the musical fruit....)

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice. (I have heard this choir too!  Charlene Mason sings with them.)

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. (This is a scary thought....Dont' you think?)

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. (It is amazing how leaving off one little letter can change the whole concept.)

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. (Ahhhh...someone from Bible Study talked.)

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. (Don't they have enough of an issue...without making them come in the back door?)

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. (Ouch....my question is...do the double doors sound like a truck backing up?)

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours. (Excuse me?)

Hope you enjoyed the little bit of tongue and cheek humor.  Have a great Saturday!

The Day Things Broke

“Hopefully your stuff doesn’t start to break. That seems to always happen when husbands deploy,” my neighbor told me sweetly.

What? My stuff couldn't break. I’m awful with tools. I just figured out the difference between and Phillips and flathead last year for God’s sake.

I’d just have to be very careful then. Yes. That’s what I’d do. I’d be very careful and....

“Mommy! Look what happened!” Natalie pointed angrily to her toy. Which was, oh no, BROKEN.



But that’s okay, she’s three, things are inevitably going to break when a three-year-old is hanging around them.

So long as nothing major broke, I’d be fine.

A few hours later I was on the couch, trying to concentrate on what in the world was going on in 19 Kids and Counting. Were the older kids getting stuck with the task of cooking dinner again? Maybe I should make my kids cook dinner when they got older. The Duggar kids seemed to like it. Then again, they think that dancing is the Devil’s work or something. I bet they’d pass out if they popped into a club in New York. I bet—

Ka-thunk.



That was the sound of a piece of the couch falling to the ground.

“Seriously?” I said out loud.

“Seriously?” Natalie mimicked.

“I didn’t do it,” Tommy chimed in.

Oh no. What if everything was starting to break? Suppose the car broke down next? I don’t speak car, what in the world would I do? I guess call the car maintenance people and say things like, “Yes, the black thing under the hood looks funny.” But crap, aren’t most things under the hood black? How boring is that though, can’t things be different colors? Like the engine could be purple, and the....um...oh hell, the only thing that I know that lives under the hood is the engine! Crappity, crap, crap.

I managed to fix the couch.

Phew.

Everything was okay again. Please oh please, let nothing else break.

Later we settled down the eat dinner.

I settled down into my seat and....

*Snap*



There went my armrest.

“I’m cursed!” I said dramatically, palms pointing upward.

“Me too!” Natalie said, copying me.

“Do I have to eat my peas?” is all Tommy offered.

The good news is, nothing has broken since then. *Knocks on wood frantically*

The bad news is, I still have eleven months until Tom gets home.

So please. PLEASE.

Let that have been it.

(Ironically, right after I finished the entry, one of my fans stopped working.)

On Being Southern....or God Bless the Northerners

Early this morning I was checking in on facebook, something I have not been really good about doing since school started, when I found the greatest video I have ever seen.  I love Bill Cosby, his Noah skit and his skit on Dad fixing breakfast are my two most favorite....but this one kills them all.  I was born in South Florida....technically it is the southern most part of the South.....but it is not really a southern state....nope.  I grew up with northerners....I thought I was one....and sounds like someone from the midwest because of it.  My neighbors were from places like Massachusetts, Pennsylvania, Cuba, Ohio, Queens, the Bronx and upstate New York.  My parents were from Alabama....but after living with other dialects for so long....and having a good linguistic ear....I sound like a man without a country.  Several years ago, I studied Cervantes in Washington State and the staff and fellow students were disappointed when I should up with no southern drawl....sigh!  Sorry guys.  I live in the South now and love the sound of the lilt a true southern drawl makes.  It is such a syrupy sound...and really pretty.....BUT...that leads me to my post today.  I lived in a town called Alexander City....and a government plane crashed here several years ago....and who did they interview????  You guessed it...a man with very few teeth that sounded like a bad rendition of Ray Stevens and the man in the Streak!  It never fails....when news happens in the South....those are the people who make national news.  Why?????  There are plenty of highly educated people here....where are THEY when major disasters happen????  No wonder northerners find southerners so amusing.  Well....this morning as I was checking facebook out....there it was...two video clips by Bill Cosby....and bless his humorous heart...he was trying so hard to understand the lady from North, South Carolina.  It was a scream...so I figured I would give you a good laugh to kick off your Friday...and your holiday weekend! I hope you enjoy them.  Have a Fabulous Friday!

You Just Gotta Laugh

The majority of you know that my mom is in a dementia unit at a nursing home and the last couple of weeks she has really come up with some off the wall comments that I just had to share with you.  Frank and I went by on a Wednesday and she was so excited to see us, you see, Karen was coming to sing on that day.  Problem is...I was the Karen she was expecting and she did not even realize it.  I sang for her anyway but it just was not the same.  I was not, "The Other Karen."  Sigh...can't win for losing on this one.  Then out of the blue the next time I was there she asked me what my name was.  I told her she knew my name and she grinned and said....."yeah...but you know it better."  I have to admit that she had me there.  I told her my name and then she asked if I was related to Frank Korb.  I assured her I was and that seemed to satisfy her for the moment.....I have learned with dementia that moments are all you have....because a few minutes later she asked me if Frank and I were married.  I had to fight the urge to say, "Nope....we are just shacking up!"  In the day when she was in her right mind...her reaction to that would have been priceless shock...today however....she would have commented something like, "that's nice" and I would have felt bad for saying it in the first place.  When we first went to see her, we had a little game we played.  I would say, "It is my favorite momma"....and she would respond with, "No!  It's my favorite daughter.".....nearly a year has passed since this journey began.....now I say, "It's my favorite momman".....and she responds with, "it is my favorite person."  The first time she did this I was crushed.....but as time goes on.....to be honest I am just glad she knows I am a significant/constant in her life.  It could be worse....so much worse.  I am blessed.  In the time we have been dealing with dementia and my mom I have researched it thoroughly on line and by contacting specialists....I have read every single thing I can get my hands on....I have joined support groups....there are a lot of us out there....and you know....it is a lot easier going through this with others who have walked the path...then with people who have no clue.  I have learned in the past year that yes, it is important for me to take care of my mom (especially since I am her guardian now), but it is equally as important to take care of myself.  I have to feed my spirit and soul too.  I also have a spouse who needs that same thing.  Wilma is my biological mother....but she lived with us for almost 5 years and Frank was a part of their lives while they did.  He shared his home with them and treated them as if they were his own parents.  He definitely earned some major jewels in his crown.....and struggles with this just as I do.  I don't know many men who would have done what he did....he is my knight in shining armour.  We need to take care of ourselves as a couple.  It is important for us to date....and we do.  We try and find at least one day a week....when we go out and enjoy each other's company, hold hands, share, cuddle, and just be us.  I don't think I could have survived this far without God and my sweet Frank.  A member of Rock Mills church sent Frank this priceless email with a video clip of a woman who runs a place called Home Instead for dementia people.  I hope you will watch it and understand why people who have family members with dementia find humor in the smallest things.....believe me....you have to.  If you don't you would never be able to get out of bed.  I love my mother.....the mother who raised me.  She is just a shell today....a body housing a stranger.....I love her....she looks like my mom, she sounds like my mom, but she is an imposter.  Being a caregiver...whether you have them at home with you (which we did for almost five years) or place them in some kind of assisted care unit....is a stressful job. So you have to learn early that laughter is truly the best medicine.

I know there will come a day....when she won't know me at all.....I dread that day.....but I will get through it because I have a wonderful husband and wonderful friends and they will be there to remind me of the good times. Happy Thursday to you all!

Inside Natalie's Closet: Preschool Edition

It’s no secret that I love to buy my children clothes. So every once in awhile I’ll post an entry with them sporting their latest outfit. It’ll mainly be my daughter since my son usually asks me to take pictures of his butt.

Natalie is sporting a dress from Gymboree’s Prep School line. These were taken on her first day of preschool.

“Hey Natalie, ready for some pictures?”



She’s either like, “Um, no,” or wondering what Lindsay Lohan is doing out of jail.

Then she asked me for some cheese and I was all, “Cheese? It’s 745 in the morning.”



She gave me some smiles:









And then showed me how she could hold her leg up. I need to get her into gymnastics, I guess. If I tried that I’d fall on my face.

I got her backpack out and yes, it’s also from Gymboree.









She was all ready for school.

“Is there cheese at preschool?” Natalie asked.

“I’m not sure?” I responded.



She looks a tad shocked. Probably thinking, “What does she mean she’s not sure? Everyone should serve cheese.”

I told Natalie that she’d have papers from school in her backpack sometimes.

She took this literally and ran inside and got some computer papers to stick inside.



Awesome.

Not Really

So Natalie’s first day of preschool was Monday.

During the drive I asked Natalie if she was all ready for school.

“Not really,” Natalie answered nonchalantly.

What? Not really? What was the not really business? For a month straight Natalie had been prancing around the house with her backpack on singing a song that she made up about school. (“School, school, it’s fun and I like school!”)

“Not really?” I repeated, my voice raised a few octaves.

Natalie shrugged and didn’t offer anything else.

I gripped the wheel as I drove. What did this mean? Did this mean she’d scream the second I pulled up in front of the school? Was she going to freak out? Was I going to have to pull her aside and go, “Hey, Kate Gosselin, chill out, it’s preschool. You wanted to go here.”

Oh God. I didn’t need this. I was already bummed as it was that Tom wasn’t able to see her off on her first day. And now I had to deal with a potential meltdown. It was too early for a meltdown. I hadn’t even had caffeine yet.

When I pulled into a parking spot I dug through my purse and found my emergency Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. I keep one in there at all times in case I get stressed out. I was definitely stressed. I unwrapped the chocolate and shoved it in my mouth. A woman in a minivan pulled up beside me and did a double take when she spotted me making out with my treat. I watched as she got out of her vehicle dressed impeccably in skinny jeans and a tight blue shirt. She had on makeup and reached back to help her preschooler out (a little girl with a French braid—I don’t even know how to French braid) and while I was making myself feel better (“she’s so skinny because it’s been three years since she’s had her last kid so she’s had lots of time to work out...”) she lifted out a baby from its seat. And that baby couldn’t have been more than six months old.

I swallowed my chocolate. If I didn’t eat so much junk, I could be that skinny. But who could live a life without chocolate?

“You ready?” I asked Natalie, smiling.

“Nope,” Natalie said cheerfully. “Not at all.”

Ugh. I should have packed another Reeses Peanut Butter Cup.

“Well,” I said calmly, speaking as though I were conversing with a mental patient. “We’re going in.”

I thought Natalie would fuss. But she just shrugged and went, “I guess so.”

I could deal with I guess so.

I helped her from her seat and we walked hand in hand into the school. Her class wasn’t open yet so we waited in the hall. I showed Natalie her cubby space and set her backpack in there.

“Do I get it back?” Natalie wondered.

“Of course,” I promised.

When Natalie’s classroom door opened she hesitated for a brief second and then walked in. The teacher recognized her since we had gone to Back to School night and Natalie seemed to relax as she took everything in.

I thought she might cry. Especially with the comment that she made in the car. But she just sat down at a table where bubbles were set up, offered a shy smile to the little boy who settled down beside her, and basically forgot I was even there.

I gave her life and all I got was a bubble popped in my face.

Then I thought, hello, you were hoping she didn’t cry. Why are you acting so indignant that she doesn’t even care that you’re about to leave?

But...

I gave her LIFE dammit!

But....

You don’t want her to cry.

But...

She kept me up for HOURS for the first four months of her life.

But...

You don’t WANT her to cry.

“Well,” I said. “I guess I should go.”

I waited for a reaction from Natalie. A bubble popped against my cheek.

“I guess it’s that time,” I tried again. I mean, what was I expecting? I was glad there were no tears but couldn’t I get a hug, a thanks for raising me for three years, SOMETHING?

“Bye,” I said, deflated.

I walked back out to the car. I didn’t cry, I just had a lump in my throat.

When I returned to my empty house, I gazed around it in silence.

And then it hit me.

I was free.

For two hours.

I WAS FREE FOR TWO HOURS!

“EEEEEE!” I went, punching the air.

Max the Cat, who was sleeping on the couch, leaped in the air from fright and went tearing down the hall with a puffed tail.

“Sorry, Max,” I called out, still dancing around. I mean, yeah, I was still bummed that Natalie didn’t care that I left. But it was okay, didn’t it mean that she was like, independent or something?

I cleaned without having someone breathe down my neck and I even got to read a chapter in my book.

It was fabulous.

I went back to collect Natalie thinking that she’d come over to me like it was no big deal.

But instead, the second she saw me waiting she ran over with her arms stretched out wide.

“Mommy!” she said, and I scooped her up. She gave me a hug and a wet kiss on my cheek.

Ahhh. There was my thank you. She loved me. She really loved me.

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I found out that my guest post that I did for Jenn is up over here! Thanks Jenn, for asking me!

Wednesday's Random Thoughts

It is Wednesday over at 2nd Cup of Coffee and if it is....then it is Random Dozen Day.  I thought her questions this week were fun so I joined in.  I hope you enjoy my answers and if you want to read some more go and check out the others who participated.  You might even want to answer the questions about yourself.  Have a Happy Wednesday and enjoy the read.

1. What insect are you most afraid of? Feel free to post a picture. I hate spiders and bee/wasps/yellow jackets/hornets. Spiders because they are creepy and the others because they hurt when they sting and I break out in hives.


2. What is the greenest/most organic thing about you or that you do? I grow plants without any pesticides. I get all my bills sent via email.

3. Tell me about a recurring dream that haunts you. When I was in the second grade the Cuban Missile Crisis occurred. The West Palm Beach International Airport became a military base. The big planes that you can put a tank in began flying over my house and every night I dreamed that Nazi’s invaded my town and took my dad away….even as an adult this dream has surfaced from time to time. Weird huh?

4. Have you ever missed a flight? What were the circumstances? I missed a flight because of bad weather and the flight I was on was forced to circle the landing strip…I actually watched my plane take off…without me. I also missed one once…because my originating flight was late taking off.

5. What do you consider your best feature? My personality.

6. What was the last concert you went to? Michael Martin Murphy in Columbus and George Jones. We, Still Magnolias, opened for both of them. It was pretty awesome.

7. Describe the most embarrassing church moment you ever experienced. I have many of them believe me. My first time to wear high heels (they were French heels…maybe 2 inches high)…I hooked my heel in the back of my choir robe and fell down three flights of stairs…and landed in front of a boy I was liking….my dress and robe were over my head and my days of the week panties were shining…and I had worn Friday….because the Sunday ones were in the wash. I was mortified. The second biggie….was the first time my friend Carol and I sang a duet at church. We were doing “Put Your Hand in the Hand” I had to borrow a guitar from Larry Bergstrom….and the strap was not tight…so when we got up in front of the entire congregation…the first strum I made…made the guitar fall to the ground….and we sounded like something off of Andy Griffith. The boys nicknamed us the Hick Duet….so much for impressing someone. Sigh!

8. Are you a whistler, hummer or singer? I cannot whistle…never have been able to…it sounds like someone trying to whistle with a mouth full of crackers. I do hum…especially when I don’t know the words….but I am a singer. I live life like it is a musical. It is nothing for me to bust out in to song about anything…and rewrite songs with lyrics that fit the moment.

9. George Washington Carver said, "I love to think of nature as an unlimited broadcasting station, through which God speaks to us every hour, if we will only tune in." What is God saying to you through nature today, or this very minute? I drive an hour to and from work and this morning….as I drove into the rain….the sun was rising behind me….it was breathtaking….and I knew that no matter what storms I might face at work today….there is always a rainbow and sunshine following. You just have to be still and listen.

10. On September, 1, 1752, the Liberty Bell arrived in Philadelphia. What memorable event will take place in your life on September 1, 2010? I will teach students.

11. Taco Bell or the Liberty Bell? (You must choose.) Liberty Bell for me. I was awestruck the first time I saw it.

12. Do you believe men and women can have purely platonic friendships? Hard question. I have men friends and they are just that…men friends. BUT….I do not go places with them alone….it does not look right. I believe you can have platonic friendships with the opposite sex….but I don’t believe that they can be like girlfriends….you just can’t hang outr with them….especially if you are married. I am a firm believer that if you set yourself up for a fall…fall you will.