Mederma Fail!

I moved seductively over to my husband Tom.

I closed my eyes and leaned in for the kiss, expecting him to gather me into his arms.

“Why do you smell like medicine?”

My eyes flew open at Tom’s question. Why was he rambling on about medicine when we were about to share a kiss? Maybe I heard him wrong. So I closed my eyes again and leaned in again.

“Seriously, you smell like medicine.”

“What are you talking about?” I demanded. I wanted to add, “you ungrateful asshole,” but I didn’t.

“You smell weird,” Tom admitted.

Then I understood what he was talking about. See, I had started putting on this stuff:



And okay, while it doesn’t smell the greatest, I certainly would say that it smelled like medicine.

“That’s the stretch mark cream,” I explained. “I’m hoping to get rid of my stretch marks.” I really wish I could be like one of those ladies who are proud of their stretch marks but I’m not. I’m sick of my stomach looking as though someone has taken a knife to it. I used to have a tight stomach, for craps sake.

Tom should be THANKING ME for wanting to better myself.

“It smells weird,” Tom prattled on.

Seriously, could he just DROP the smell thing already?

So because I was insulted, guess who slept on the couch that night?

Well.

No one. Mainly because Tom is stubborn and no matter how upset we are with each other, he’s not about to sleep on the tiny uncomfortable couch. Me either, for that matter.

Guess who DIDN'T get lucky?

Well.

No one.

Because I’m a woman and I have needs and my husband will be in Korea in 2 months for an entire year.

So there.

We Are Here!

We Are Here!  Just a brief update to let you know we are now residents of Rock Mills, AL.  I am so excited.  We could not move in until 12 noon today and it was a thousand degrees in the shade when we got here.  Poor Frank...the only help he had was me...and my sweet friend Mary...who had to work third shift at the hospital.  We got about half the truck unloaded and decided to leave the other half til morning.  Good idea.  The people of the church brought us some wonderful food...and I hope they don't make snap judgments on first impressions...I was one dirty bird...and stunk.  They hugged us anyway, welcomed us to the community, fed us, and we ate ravenously.  I am going to like Rock Mills.  I will share pictures later this week.

Going Crazy In Gymboree

“Now, you have to promise me that you’ll sit okay?” I instructed Natalie as I helped her out of the car.

“Okay,” Natalie agreed.

Do you think she was telling the truth?

Ha.

I brought her in Gymboree and the little minx went crazy. She didn’t want to sit in front of the TV. Yes, Gymboree has a TV. But Natalie didn’t care, she just wanted to race around the store. Look, I find the store exciting—I mean, it’s filled with all sorts of adorable duds—but I don’t race around like a wild animal.

“Hi Amber,” my favorite worker said as I struggled to get Natalie to sit.

“Hello,” I answered as Natalie thrashed in my arms while screeching, “I don’t YIKE to sit right now, Mommy. I DON’T YIKE TO SIT RIGHT NOW!”

“I take it you know we’re having a sale,” the worker continued.

“Yes,” I said as Natalie tiny fist collided with my ear. Ouch. She twisted her body around to the point where I was holding her by her ankles. She laughed so I continued to shop while grasping her ankles with one hand and using the other to go through the racks.

“Hello,” I said to a woman who sidled up beside me. She did a double take when she saw my daughter hanging upside down.

The sale, by the way, was Gymboree’s Red Balloon Sale—or RBS—where they mark their older lines that didn’t sell $7.99 or less. And okay, I know I had just said a few entries back that I wasn’t going to buy anymore clothes—but this doesn’t count, these clothes are for next season, not now. So it’s okay.

“I want down,” Natalie said as I found this ultra adorable green sweater jacket. And ohhhh....another sweater jacket…

“I want down,” Natalie repeated and since I was distracted she slithered from my arms and sat right underneath the middle of the rounder.

“Heavens!” an old lady yelped as she pushed some clothes aside and came face to face with my daughter.

“Hi,” Natalie said sweetly.

“Natalie, get out of there,” I said, bending down with my goodies in my arms. “Now.”

“No.” Natalie shook her head.

I could feel my anger start to boil over. I’m working really hard on not yelling. I really don’t want my kids to have memories of me stomping around the house screaming at them TO JUST LISTEN TO ME FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!

“Natalie,” I said through gritted teeth. “I’m asking you to get out.”

“No.”

Deep breaths....deep breaths....

What I wanted to shout was, “I’m the motherfu*king adult and when I say GET OUT I mean GET OUT!”

But how inappropriate would that be?

Very.

So after I had calmed myself I said, “Would you like to be my helper and hold your sweater jackets?”

I thought Natalie would be thrilled by the prospect of being my helper.

But....

“No thanks.”

Ugh.

So I did the next best thing: I grabbed her and MADE her come out. Of course this made her thrash all over again and the clothes I found fell to the floor. I swear I saw another lady eye them with interest as though she were tempted to grab them…I shot her a Look like, “I may have a crazed child but they belong to me and I have a purse filled to the brim with crap that I can use as a weapon so back off.” Thankfully she did. Back off, I mean.

I brought my items to the counter, slung Natalie over my shoulder so that her head was hanging near my butt and paid as though nothing were amiss. No, favorite store worker, I don’t have an insane three-year-old on me.

“I’ll probably be bringing more stuff out if you want to come tomorrow,” the store worker said kindly. She’s never made me feel like a bad mom.

“I’ll do that—only I’ll be leaving her with her Daddy next time,” I said.

“Mommy, I want DOWN! I don’t YIKE DIS!”

When we left the store Natalie was calm again. I’m not sure why Gymboree causes her to act like that.

This is what I found. Everything was $5 since I had a 20% off coupon. Well except for the top, which was only $3.





Natalie approves!



Of course when I showed Tommy the sweater I got for him he went, “Nice but I’m not wearing it.”

Excuse me?

“There’s nothing offending or embarrassing about this sweater,” I argued.

“I don’t like it,” Tommy said stubbornly.

“Young man, I only paid $5 for this sweater and I was proud to find it and dangit, you’ll wear it.”

“It’s funny looking.”

I’ll convince him somehow.

Hey, It's Okay Tuesday!

I got this idea from Glamour magazine. They have a section called Hey, It’s Okay and will list a bunch of things to be okay about. I think I’m going to do this every Tuesday now. You're welcome to join in and do something like this on your diary. Doesn't have to be on a Tuesday either.

Hey, It's Okay....


To love getting the Zeppoli dessert that’s served at Olive Garden. Usually I’m stuffed by the end but I don’t care. I am getting the Zeppoli. (For those who don’t know, they’re like beignets. And for those who don’t know what those are, that’s what Google is for :)


To think it’s disgusting when people spit while they are walking. Stop it.


To have been confused to see Snooki on Jay Leno. Aren’t there worthier people? (Like that dude who played Culpepper on The Tudors?? )


To love the movie Amadeus. Especially Amadeus’s laugh.


To not let your kids mess with your iPod Touch. I’m sorry, but it’s mine.


To think bees are evil. Yes, I know they do a lot of good things for us but they seriously have it out for me. Plus, don’t you remember what the bees did to poor Thomas J?


To think it’s weird when adults talk about going to a Justin Bieber concert minus any kids with them. Um....because his music is THAT good? (Doesn’t he just stand there singing “baby, baby, baby,” over and over again?)


To be excited over shopping Gymboree’s RBS sale today (for those who don’t know, Gymboree puts out a bunch of clothing from their older lines that didn't sell and marks them down...I believe the price points are $7.99 and below and yes, you may use a coupon on top of it. There’s a current coupon in the latest Family Fun and Parenting magazines.)


To look forward to the prospect of cake on your birthday (I turn 28 on Saturday. And I love cake.)


To be upset that the last episode of The Tudors airs on Sunday. I want more, dangit. I’m not ready for it to be over.


To be a little afraid of this consultant on Say Yes To The Dress. Are those eyebrows…drawn on?

Twas the Day Before Moving.....

I swear we have taken three carloads to the Mission Thrift Store and my stuff seems to be like rabbits...it just keeps multiplying.  I am wondering now if the 24 foot truck we are renting will be big enough for all this.  It is overwhelming.  When it seems like we have everything done...something comes out of the woodwork and we have to pack more.  The truck will be ready for pick up after 4 today and we have some friends coming to help us load after 5.  We are taking Beau to our friend Marion.  He is going to visit with his 5 buddies there until we unload on Weds.  He is really stressing out over this move.  All of his stuff is moving and being boxed and all he does is sit right up under you when we do take a moment to sit down. Poor little guy.  That is why we are taking his to Marion.  He loves her.  I think if anything ever happens to us she will have to take custody of the dog.  My sweet Mary is coming to Rock Mills tomorrow...on her birthday to help us unload/unpack. What great friends we have.  I penned a little ditty about this event and I thought it might make you laugh today.

Twas the Day Before Moving

Twas the day before moving and all through this house

Nothing was unboxed, except for resident mouse.

This day is a long one so I hope I survive

And keep all my marbles til the UHaul arrives

Poor Beau he sits silent and shivers with fear

That his master and mistress might just leave him here.

The clothes they are all packed in big wardrobe bins

The skillets, the dried food, and even the tins.

There's nothing to sit on the chair has been sold

My dad's coins packed up and we sold all the gold.

We sold dining room table and crock pot OH NO!

I really did not mean for that item to go.

We have visited the ABC store many a day

And with each trip carried a number of boxes a way.

The church at Rock Mills will think we are lushes

Each box is the kind that eventually crushes.

I sit and I blog before Frank shuts this down

And we leave Alex City I'll sure miss this town

And they'll hear us exclaim as we drive out of site....

Next time we hire movers...it will be a delight!

You may not hear from me tomorrow.  Who knows if I will be back up by then...but as soon as I am...there will be pictures of the new house...before I unpack....and after.  I can see a lot of good posting oppotunities coming.  This town has a Doll Museum and lots of other things to blog about.  So Happy Tuesday to All ...and to all a big Hug!  Pray we survive this.

The Camping Experience

Camping.

It’s the time where people can sit around a campfire as they make s’mores.

It’s the time when people can swim in the nearby lake....the time when fireflies are chased, the time when people bundle comfortably in sleeping bags.

I didn’t experience any of this.

Well, the bundling in the sleeping bag thing, maybe. Since it was raining and all.

There was no open fire to make s’mores. That’s because open fires were not allowed where we were at. And even if they were, I’m not sure my friend Amanda and I would have known how to start it. I know I can start a fire with a flint because that’s how people start fires on Survivor.

There was no lake nearby to swim in. I mean, there were puddles all around thanks to the rain so if we had wanted to, we could have sat in the middle of one.

Fireflies don’t live in Wyoming. Antelope do though. They roam around the base and I was a little worried that one would run into our tent. They’re not the brightest animals in the world. They’ll stroll out in the middle of the street and just stare at you while you sit in the car, cursing them.

Amanda and I had decided to camp a few weeks ago. We assumed the weather would be nice because hello, it’s June. But we forgot that we were in Wyoming, the land of 80 degree weather one day and 40 degree weather the next. Wyoming decided to give us 40 degree weather when we decided to camp. We debated postponing the camping trip but then realized that we were in the mood to camp dammit, so camp we would.

Ours was the only tent set up on the camp ground. We were the only crazies who dared to camp in 40 degree weather while it rained.

And yes, the area where we were camping was haunted. This is what it says online:

"Later research discovered that in the 1920s, a young Indian woman was brutally raped and murdered by cavalry men at White Crow Creek, Warren's present day FamCamp. "

And it’s that poor Indian woman who can be heard screaming at times, and rightfully so.

Still, I hoped she wouldn’t scream while we were there.

Everything was going smoothly until we both had to use the bathroom. And good news, there were actual bathrooms there. I had first asked, “We don’t have to squat and pee, do we?” I am awful at squatting and peeing.

When we stepped out of the tent it was raining. And when I looked into the darkness I thought I saw a bright eye staring back out at us. Okay, that doesn’t make sense because why would a bright eye be staring at us? But I don’t know how ghosts work so I was all, “Is that an eye?” and I managed to freak out Amanda. It turned out it was just a light from the RV area but still. It COULD have been an eye.

Then when we crawled into our sleeping bags the tent lit up as though there were a vehicle with their headlights on right in front of it.

“Um, what’s that?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” Amanda replied.

“I swear, if Tom is trying to scare us I’m going to be pissed,” I fumed. I wouldn’t put it past Tom. He loves freaking me out. (“You just look so funny when you’re scared,” he once told me.)

“We should peek out and see,” Amanda said.

“Yes,” I agreed.

But none of us moved. What if it were an axe murderer? Or a ghost? Or an ALIEN? I’ve seen some horror films, whoever is dumb enough to CHECK IT OUT is usually the one dead.

It turned out it was just a spotlight that came on. But we didn’t know that. The worker at the campsite should have warned us. He could have said, “Don’t be alarmed when the spotlight comes on.” But no, all he said was, “Good luck with the ghost,” when Amanda had checked in earlier.

Who says that?

Good luck with the ghost?

There is NO LUCK to be had with a ghost.

Amanda and I eventually drifted off to sleep. I woke up a few times thanks to the trains that go rumbling past. It was especially fun when they blared their horns. I wanted to shout, “Hello, people in tents sleeping here, thanks!”

But we survived.

We didn’t encounter a ghost.

We may have encountered wetness but that’s okay. Because in the end we got something that we really needed: an adult conversation without any interruptions.

I’d go back in a heartbeat.

The Faces of Waverly UMC

Barbara, Martha Ann, and Miss Nell  - Barbara was the choir director. She is my coughing buddy. We seem to cough in time and I love harmonizing with her. Her granddaughter was christened while we were here. Barbara is from Michigan and I love to hear her stories of Garth. Martha Ann teaches Sunday School, Frank  christened her first granddaughter and she was so precious.  Miss Nell lived right next door to the church and is a love. Need a good hug....well these are some great hugging ladies.               

Picture number 4 is Stacy, the mother of Blake (our only child). She is such a bubbly person. Stacy is a single mom who works at Rite Aid. She loves her son and Bisquits Baseball. Miss Louise is 94 and lives next door to the Community Center. She still climbs the church steps every Sunday and believe me...they are steep. She has the sweetest personality and what a spunky lady. You just want to hug her.

Jackie is the best cook. I looked forward to fruits and vegetables from her gardens and thank heavens for Southern Living...she was always trying out some remarkable recipe. I think I gained 10 pounds while I was there. When she found out Frank and I were diabetic...she switched over and made stuff for us with Splenda. Marcus and Carolyn...Marcus was a retired Commandant from Lyman Ward Military Academy, retired veteran, awesome storyteller and writer, and called me, Mrs. Preacher from day one. Carolyn runs the Senior Citizens Center....and is very involved in their lives. They love to travel and have taken some great trips since our tenure here. I love hearing their tales of the trips.

Mr. High isn't he just the cutest thing?  His personality matches too.   He has an awesome antebellum house(furnished in period), behind the Waverly Post Office. He lives alone and is in his 90's. He has an infectious smile and laugh and still drives! Mark and Marilyn have really touched us. Marilyn was a rock when my dad was diagnosed and Mark is a quasi retired pharmacist. They are both great fun. Frank christened their grandchild. What a special memory.

Miss Inez is the piano player....I love it when she pulls out the old hymns for offeratory music. One Sunday she played "Ivory Palaces" from the old brown Cokesbury Hymnal and it made my year. Sometimes it is all I can do to keep from singing out loud. She is a big historian and I have enjoyed her tales of Waverly and Tallapoosa Co.  Blake is our precious little man. He helps Frank light the candles when he is there and is just adorable. Don't get me wrong...he is all boy and strong willed....but he is such a joy. I told Stacy yesterday that we still expected to be invited to his birthday parties.

Bob and Marie Slaughter (my hat lady) are so cute.  Marie plays the organ and fills in on the piano when Miss Inez is out.  She has an infectious smile too and wears the cutest hats.  She is a fashionista for sure.  I love to see how she will be dressed each week.  Bob is a veteran and has the funniest laugh.  When I hear his laugh I want to join in.  He is a doll.  Harold and Ailene are the green thumbs.  She brings the most beautiful flowers to church on Sundays.  They spend some of their year in Alaska and bring back the most awesome Eagle pictures.  I love to hear their stories and it makes me want to visit Alaska that much more.  One of these days I am going. Harold always has the coolest factoids that he shares in Sunday School.  He is a learned man and I love hearing him share.  David and Kayla(below) are some of the youngest members of the church.  They are the sweetest couple.  David loves lighthouses....and so I so we had common ground from the start.  Kayla is a Dental Assistant and we are the shoe queens.  Kayla's mom Patsy also attends...but she hates having her picture made so I am going to honor her on that one.  She is a great cook and has a knack of always making you feel good.  She is a fashionista too and I love seeing what she will be wearing.  Patsy's sister Robin comes too.  Robin has the biggest smile and a warm personality.  I have enjoyed getting to know her.

These past three years in Waverly have been a joy.  I looked forward to every single Sunday....except yesterday.  Yesterday was our last service at Waverly UMC.  I have grown to love this sweet little town.  There is something very comforting about the clip clop road sound you get when you enter the town's space.  The road is concrete and sings to you as you go through....or it always has to me.  It has a distinct tune....duh da, duh da, duh da, duh da, duh da da da da da da da, duh da.  Waverly is a town in both Chambers AND Lee Counties.  It is located on the foothills of the Appalachian mountains.  The town population is less than 200 yet, it has a post office and the three churches in Waverly sponsor most of the town's activities.  There is a major bbq in October.  Let me tell you, the people of Waverly know how to do bbq.  I have never liked Brunswick stew...in my whole life....until I tasted Waverly Brunswick stew.  It is awesome.  There is also an artsy craftsy music thing in April called 280 Boogie and it is great fun too. The history of the town according to Wikipedia is, "Waverly was settled in the 1830s as "Pea Ridge", but saw little growth until the 1870s. In 1871, the Central of Georgia railroad was extended from Opelika to Dadeville. As planned, the railroad was to take a route roughly one mile (1.6 km) north of the town. However, topographical problems forced the railroad engineer to "waver" the route to the south, passing through Pea Ridge. The townspeople, appreciative of this "waver" which gave their community a rail connection, renamed the town "Waverly". Some say the community was named for the Waverley novels of Sir Walter Scott."  Highway 280 used to run right through the heart of Waverly and it was considered a speed trap...but when the four laning of Hwy 280 took place it bypassed the town.  Now the only reminder that it is there is a sign on the highway pointing to Waverly Business District.  But that is not the Waverly I know.  The one I know has warm and caring people in it.  The ones I have met attend the Methodist and Baptist churches and they are wonderful people.  I know this because for the past three years my husband, Frank, has been the pastor of the Waverly UMC and we have become friends with the congregation of the Waverly Baptist Church.  Yesterday was our last day in Waverly as their pastor.  We will be their friends forever.  They are like your first kiss to us both.  You know...the one you never forget.  They were our first church.  God sent us to Waverly for a purpose.  I thought it was to minister to them....but that really wasn't it at all.  God sent us there because he knew I would need them. When my father and aunt were both diagnosed with lung cancer the prayer warriors of Waverly took a stand and began praying.  When my parents were missing, when my father died, when my mom had to be placed in the nursing home they mothered me.  I needed mothering so badly and they did.  They will never know how much those hugs meant to me each and every Sunday.  The service yesterday was sweet...the Baptist church joined us for service and lunch and I have never felt so wanted in my whole life.  Before the service started....they presented Frank with an Arthur Court tray that they had engraved and I thought my strong husband was going to come apart right then and there.  I was singing "Friends" yesterday...but when we got to the church and Frank went to cue it...there was nothing there.  We had picked up the wrong CD.  I did not let that stop me.  I wanted them to know how I felt...so I sang the song accapella.  My song and Frank's sermon were both delivered with our eyes closed.  Neither of us could look at those precious faces.  Lunch was great and then the goodbyes began and I cried all the way to Dadeville on the way home.  I know this is really not goodbye...we all serve the same Lord and we will meet again one day.  I know that we will see them between now and then....but it will be different.  Next Sunday we will be at Rock Mills UMC and I am excited about the new ministry.  I don't know what God has in store for us there...but I am up for the challenge.  God Bless Your Monday!