The Missing Glasses

They were gone.

I had no idea where they went.

I patted my hand along the counter where I had left them.

Nothing.

Crap.

I had lost my glasses.

Now, to some people, this might not be a big deal. But when your eyesight is something like -1000/-1000, it’s a huge deal. I cannot see without my glasses. Well, okay, I can see but everything is blurry. If I want things to be clear, I have to stand an inch away from the object.

“Why don’t I wear contacts?” I moaned as I squatted down on the floor. I stuck my face right against the floor and realized that ew, it really needed to be mopped.

I had just taken a shower and had stupidly left my glasses sitting on the counter. I assumed the kids would be busy watching the Thanksgiving Parade. But no, of course it didn’t go like that. My two year old daughter Natalie must’ve ran into the bathroom and taken my glasses.

Who knew what state they were in?

I’ve seen how she can destroy things. Her My Little Ponies mainly have matted down hair and drawings on their sides. She can mess up a room in a matter of seconds. So I did not have a good feeling about my glasses.

What was I going to do? I had another pair of glasses but they aren’t the right prescription.

How was I going to make Thanksgiving dinner if I couldn’t see?

“Natalie!” I called out, stepping into my clothes. I made my way downstairs. She was sitting calmly watching the parade.

“Have you seen my glasses?” I asked.

Natalie shook her head. At least I think she did. It was hard to tell.

“Tommy? Have you seen my glasses?” I practically begged.

“No,” he answered.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if Tom had been home. But he had to work and wouldn’t be home until 7.

I felt the top of my head. Usually when people misplace their glasses they wind up being propped on their head, right?

But no such luck. I don’t even know why I checked. I never prop my glasses on top of my head.

What was I going to do? I had a meal to cook! How was I going to make it if I couldn’t see the recipe?

I decided to call Tom. Maybe he could ask to be released. He could be all, “My wife can’t see! She’s lost her glasses!”

“Tom!” I shouted when he answered.

“Amber?” he answered, obviously baffled.

“Tom, I’ve lost my glasses and I can’t seeeeeee…..”

“What? How did you lose your glasses?”

“I was taking a shower and left them on the counter and they aren’t there! I think Natalie took them. Could you come over and see if you can find them?”

“No. I’m at work.” Tom didn’t even sound that concerned. Wasn’t he worried that I wouldn’t be able to parent his children properly? I mean, did he not realize that they were just colorful blobs on the carpet to me?

“Some help you are!” I snapped. “Happy Thanksgiving!” Then I hung up and got down on my hands and knees. Maybe I’d stumble across my glasses this way. Natalie probably left them somewhere.

“HORSIE!” Natalie shouted. You cannot get down on your hands and knees in front of her. Otherwise she’ll mistake you as a horse.

“Not right now,” I said as Natalie clamored onto my back.

“Horsie! Giddy up, horsie!”

“Natalie! Not now!”

But she refused to budge so I had to search the carpet with her on my back.

“What are you doing?” Tommy asked. I think he was making a face but I COULDN’T SEE so who knows? Tommy has begun to notice that his Mom is a bit eccentric.

“Looking for my glasses. Do you see them anywhere?”

Tommy has perfect vision like his father. I don’t see why Tom gets the perfect vision. He doesn’t even use it properly. All his dirty clothes are always beside the laundry basket and not in it.

“I don’t see them. Mommy, it looks like you’re kissing the floor,” Tommy observed.

It probably did. My lips were about an inch away from the ground.

“HORSIE!”

“I’m not a horse! I just want my glasses!” I wailed.

I debated going over to the neighbor’s house and saying, “Hi! I know we don’t know each other well but could you perhaps come with me and search for my glasses?”

No. I couldn’t do that. Then whenever my neighbors would see me they’d be all, “There goes the chick that’s blind as a bat.”

I continued to look around the house. The kids started to fight but I couldn’t really see what was going on. I just saw blurry limbs racing around the room.

“Let’s calm down!” I said. I walked over and stood an inch away from their faces so they knew I was serious.

“Mommy, you’re in my personal space!” Tommy whined. He’s learned about personal space from school and doesn’t hesitate to let people know when they are in it.

I heard a knock on the door.

I walked over and it appeared to be someone in uniform. I practically had to press my nose up to the screen door.

“Tom!” I said.

“I take it you still lost your glasses?” he wondered.

“Gee, where did you come up with that, Einstein?” I replied. I mean, hello, they weren’t on my face so of COURSE they were still lost.

“I have a few minutes to help you,” Tom said opening the door.

“I’ve searched everywhere!” I said.

“Amber. PU. Your breath reeks. Do you have to stand so close?”

YES! Because I CAN’T SEE!

“Natalie, did you take Mommy’s glasses?” I heard Tom ask.

“Yes,” Natalie answered.

I knew the little minx had taken them!

“Where are they?”

“Snow White wearing Mommy’s glasses,” Natalie responded primly.

“Tell Snow White she better give them back!” I yelled.

“Where is her Snow White doll?” Tom asked.

What part of I CAN’T SEE was he not comprehending? How in the WORLD would I know where her Snow White doll is?

“Shhh. Snow White sleeping,” Natalie explained. She might have even put a finger to her lips.

“Where?” Tom demanded.

“In Tommy’s room,” Natalie said.

So Tom thundered up the stairs. Oh please oh please let my glasses be there…

“Found them!” Tom called out.

HURRAY!

“Are they...intact?”

How was I going to shop the Black Friday sales if I couldn’t see? I wouldn’t be able to drive. Maybe I could get a taxi. Then I’d just have to be creative in my shopping. I could get a cane or something and….

“They look fine,” Tom said. He came over and stuck them on my face.

“I can SEE again!” I said. I tried to click my heels but I missed and nearly went tumbling into the couch.

“Are you sure you can see again?” Tom joked.

Well. You can’t really take the klutz out of the girl, even if she CAN see again…