No More Alien Shows

“Don’t watch it. You know you’ll scare yourself,” my husband warned me in an ominous tone.

I grasped the remote control. I had just finished witnessing a houseguest on the reality show Big Brother have a meltdown and I was on the search for something else to watch. What I had found was a show on ABC called The Outsiders and it was all about people who had an alien experience.

“I’ll be fine,” I assured Tom. I gestured to the screen. “It’s not scary at all.” But then the narrator mentioned that there was a video of an alien looking through a window and that sent shivers up my spine.

“Amber. I know how you get,” Tom tried again.

“I’m fine,” I said firmly as I watched twins talk about being abducted.

“Well, I’m going to bed so you’re on your own,” Tom said, heading up the stairs.

Wait! You can’t go to bed or else I’ll freak out!

I nearly shouted that. But then I swallowed it back. No. I had to show Tom that I could handle this. I’m a grown adult for goodness sakes.

I followed Tom upstairs to tell him goodnight after pausing my show. DVR is one of the greatest inventions ever.

“Tom,” I said as he climbed under the covers. “Were you ever briefed about aliens when you joined the Air Force?” I have it in my head that because he helps defend nuclear missiles that perhaps he was briefed about the fact that the military does not set them off if an extraterrestrial comes down. I picture Tom and a bunch of other soldiers being taken to an underground room and being forced to sign papers that say that they will never ever tell the world that aliens do in fact exist.

“You know I couldn’t tell you either way,” is always Tom’s response.

I always try to search his face for telltale signs that he’s lying. He usually smirks when he’s lying. But when I talk about aliens he always turns stoic. So that either means that A) aliens do not exist, he was never briefed on such or thing or B) aliens do exist, he was briefed but he’s not going to spill any news.

“Look, just wink if aliens exist,” I pressed. “Then you’re technically not telling me.”

I stared intently at Tom’s face, waiting.

I thought I saw one of his lashes flinch and bounced on the bed. “I saw that! You winked!”

Tom frowned. “I did not.”

“You did, you did!”

“NO I DIDN’T!”

Oh. Well.

“I think the military told you about aliens but you can’t say or else there would be a public hysteria or something,” I said diplomatically.

Tom shrugged. “Who knows?”

He’s frustrating. He’ll never let anything out.

I told him goodnight and went down to watch my show.

Everything was fine at first. But then one of the people on the show claimed he had an actual picture of an alien. Of course it looked fake and I tried to remind myself that it couldn’t be real—but then I glanced up at the little window near our front door and I swore I saw a face looking in.

“Leave me alone,” I squeaked, and curled up in a ball.

I turned off the show after that and put it on Chelsea Lately so I could laugh. This helped for awhile—until I realized I had to switch the laundry from the washer to the dryer but I was too freaked out to walk into the laundry room because it was dark in there. The light switch is unfortunately not near the door so there was no way I was going in—suppose an alien was waiting for me?

When I went to bed I buried my head under the covers. I was about to drift off to sleep when…

The entire room started to shake.

They’re coming for me!

Then I realized it was just a train rumbling past our house.

Oh.

When I woke up this morning there was a note from Tom:

“You left wet clothes in the washer!”

Yes. That’s so the alien wouldn’t abduct me.

Did he not watch Signs? Aliens like to LURK!