My Dear Letters

It’s fun to write letters. The following are letters that I wish I could send.

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Dear Tommy,

No, I’m sorry, we aren’t getting another pet. Do you know why we aren’t getting another pet? Because I’d most likely get stuck taking care of it. You might want fish, but then I’d have to scrub out the tank. You might beg for a hamster, but cleaning out the cage will gross you out. So, I’m sorry. For now, we’re sticking with Max the Cat.

Signed,
An-I’m-Not-Cleaning-After-Another-Living-Thing,
Amber

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Dear Kirsten Dunst,

It’s been said that you uttered these words at a New Year’s Eve party: “I’m Kirsten Dunst! I can’t believe I’m begging to get into a Las Vegas party!” Honey, who CARES if you are Kirsten Dunst. In fact, who cares if a person is a celebrity to begin with? They shouldn’t have rights over us “regular” people. The people who SHOULD have rights? Soldiers. You know, the ones that risk their lives for their country? THEY are the ones who should be celebrated. Kirsten, get a lesson from Adam Sandler, who seems to get this. He always thanks a soldier and openly says that the award shows make him feel ridiculous when there are people out there dying.

Signed,
A-Tired-Of-“Celebrity”-Nonsense,
Amber

PS—Josh Duhamel, you also need a lesson. I hear you like to throw fits in airports and was pissy when the flight attendant asked you to turn off your cell phone when the plane was about to take off. You may look like you stepped out of a GQ magazine, but you should be ashamed of yourself.

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Dear Natalie,

Why must you be playing nicely until the phone rings? Then you’re up in my face, scrambling to add your voice into the conversation and I’m sorry, it’s annoying. Play with your toys! You know what, when you’re a teen and the phone is glued to your ear, remind me to lean against you, adding MY opinion to the conversation. Payback is a bitch, sweetheart.

PS—I also plan on snatching the book that you’ll be reading and running down the hall, as you like to do with MY books. Let’s see how funny you think it is in ten years, sweets.

Signed,
A-Would-Love-A-Quiet-Phone-Convo,
Amber

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Dear Toddlers and Tiaras,

You’re a freaky show. I’m sorry, but it’s not right to get a two-year-old tanned. A five-year-old does NOT need to get waxed. I’m all for the natural pageants because yes, they can give a kid confidence. But makeup on a toddler and seductive dance moves? No. Not appropriate.

Signed,
A-Feels-Sorry-For-The-Orange-Sprayed-Kids
Amber

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Dear Lost,

I still miss you. I still have not found a show as good as you were. The Tudors came pretty close, but that’s also finished. Come JJ Abrams....you created Lost, please come up with another entertaining show.

Signed,
A-Missing-My-Hurley
Amber

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Dear The Today Show,

I’ve lost a little respect for you since you put Snooki on your show. Seriously, she represents almost everything wrong with Americans right now. She drinks too much, she sexes random men, she’s rude, and she’s not that bright. It’s probably all the hairspray. But really, why must we glorify people like this? I know it’s because Snooki makes the network money and gives the program higher ratings...but it would be a breath of fresh air if one day a network was like, “You know what? Screw the money and ratings we might get. This chick doesn’t deserve the attention.”

Signed,
I’d-Switch-To-The-Early-Show-But-I-Have-A-Feeling-Snooki-Was-There-Too
Amber

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Dear Target,

Rumor has it that you’ll be marking toys 75% off today. I plan on going to check it out. I cannot pass up a good deal.

Signed,
A-Needs-To-Get-To-The-Deals-Before-Old-Lady-Hog-Takes-Them-All
Amber