Actually, a more appropriate phase might be that I have a sweet mouth.
I can’t help it.
Who can resist sinking their teeth into a giant slice of chocolate cake?
Who can turn down a Little Debbie snack? (Swiss Rolls. Mmm...)
Who can avoid throwing a bag of Hershey Kisses into the shopping cart?
Who can walk past the bakery section of the grocery store without even glancing at the display case?
I know I can’t.
I try, I really do, but then I spot the bear claws and the cookies and the cupcakes and I just have to stop.
This is what happened to me yesterday.
Actually, it was this woman’s fault. She was talking to the baker and I overheard her saying, “I’ll take a cupcake with the butterfly.”
This caught my attention.
My mind immediately started to race. What? A cupcake with a BUTTERFLY on it? How cool! I’ve GOT to check that out.
So I paused and watched as the baker picked a cupcake with a butterfly on top and placed it in a plastic container. It was beautiful. My mouth practically watered as my eyes drifted over the other treats. There were vanilla cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, cookies and, oh my gosh, a chocolate brownie with chocolate frosting on top. I had to have that brownie. I was practically salivating all over the glass display.
“Miss? Can I help you with something? Hello? MISS?”
I didn’t realize that the baker was talking to me. I was too busy drooling over the brownie.
“MISS!”
My neck jerked back in surprise. The baker had banged her palm down on the counter and had snapped me out of my trance.
“Oh,” I said in a dazed tone. “I’m sorry. It’s just, you have so many delicious treats—”
“What do you want?” the baker boomed, crossing her arms over her chest. I guess she didn’t want to be complimented on her treats.
“I’ll take two of those butterfly cupcakes,” I replied meekly.
I figured I’d just get something for the kids.
I really tried not to get anything for myself. But my eyes kept flicking over to that chocolate brownie with the chocolate frosting and OH! In the middle of it was a Hershey Kiss.
“Could you hide that brownie for me?” I joked as the baker pulled out a plastic container from the back. “That way I won’t be tempted.”
The baker didn’t look amused. She pursed her lips and said sharply, “Do you want the brownie or not?”
Hello? Did she not HEAR me? I asked her to HIDE the brownie. If she HIDES it then I could pretend that it never existed.
“I...” I hesitated.
Oh no. OH NO.
I didn’t need the brownie. I mean, swim suit season is approaching. A lot of women cut out sweets all together around this time. But I don’t have that kind of willpower. Sure, I want to look nice in my swim suit. But I think I like my sweets more.
Actually, maybe I could just get one of those modest swimsuits that those Duggar girls always wear.
I think they’re onto something. Sure, they want to cover up but maybe they’re also like, “And it means we can totally pig out and no one will notice!”
But then again, if I walked out wearing this, my husband would think that I’ve lost my mind and refuse to be seen with me.
“MISS!”
The baker’s shrill voice cut through my thoughts again.
She did not look amused.
I don’t know why she was so cranky. If I worked with frosting and chocolate I’d be in a wonderful mood.
“I’ll take the brownie,” I said quickly.
I mean, I could work it off with housework. Vacuuming burns what, 300 calories? Okay, probably more like 30 but a girl can dream, right?
I thought I’d be happy with the brownie.
But then my eyes rested on a variety of cheesecake slices.
Cheesecake is my weakness. I love it. I would marry cheesecake if it were legal. Oh, and if I weren’t already married.
I went to The Cheesecake Factory once and I thought I’d pass out from the excitement of all the different cheesecake flavors to choose from. I think I startled the waitress when I clapped my hands after staring at the menu.
“And...” I heard a familiar voice say. “I’ll take a slice of that strawberry cheesecake, too.”
I realized that it was MY voice.
What? Wait!
The baker just raised an eyebrow as she reached for the cheesecake.
“Want me to just bag up everything that’s for sale?” she asked dryly.
I ignored her and just took my treats.
Maybe if she had a chocolate brownie with chocolate frosting and a Hershey Kiss on top then she’d be a happier person.
I had the brownie as soon as I got home.
A reward for doing the grocery shopping and having to bring in all those bags, you see.
It melted in my mouth and to be honest, I wanted another one.
Then I had the cheesecake for breakfast and I weirded out my kids by going, "Mmmmmmm!" every few seconds.
Later in the afternoon I made the mistake of getting on my WiiFit.
I was told that I gained weight:
I thought I DID eat in moderation. I mean, I only had one brownie and one slice of cheesecake.
Then I was told this:
Obviously the WiiFit doesn't have kids.
You can't eat slowly when you have kids. If you eat slowly then you don't eat at all.
Plus, I think I'd bore myself if I had to chew the same bite of food five times.
I'd confuse my husband. He'd be all, "Why are you chewing in slow motion?"
*Sighs*
Oh well.
So I've gained weight.
Maybe I'll give those modest swimsuits another look....
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