Letters to Tom

Most people know that my husband Tom is on TDY until June. He’s been gone since April. I usually send him letters or e-mails to keep his spirits up.

The following is the type of letter that I usually send him because I don’t want him to worry about us. The second letter will be the type of letter that I wish I could send.

Dear Tom,

We miss you over here and hope you are doing well. Tommy has been really interested in plants lately and insisted that we buy some marigold seeds. He constantly chatters about roots and the importance of sunlight and water for his beloved plants. Sometimes I wonder if he’s too attached to his plants because one day he put his potted flower in my bed because he thought it could use a rest. It was pretty funny!

Natalie is becoming more independent. We’re working on potty training and have had no successes but I hope she surprises me one day. She also prefers to get dressed herself and if you dare help her, she’ll get upset. She’s a silly girl!

As for me, well, I’m just taking things day by day. The bed is empty without you.

I can’t wait to see you next month. I plan on throwing my arms around your neck and resting my head on your shoulder. I’m so proud of you!

We all love you!

Amber, Tommy and Natalie

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This is the letter that I WANT to send:


Tom,

I hope you don’t plan on going away anytime soon. Because I will not allow it. I need a break. These children are monsters, absolute monsters!

Tommy won’t stop talking about plants and there is no polite way to say, “I could care less about your flower!” So I have to stand there and listen to him prattle on and on about it and then he’ll ask me why we don’t have a garden and I’ll say, “Because Mommy kills plants!” Then he’ll look all horrified and hug his potted plant to his chest and toss me a dirty look as though he thinks I murder plants on purpose.

Do you know what your son did? He put his potted plant IN MY BED because he said that it needed to rest. There was dirt all over the place. I was so close to tossing the thing out the window but I didn’t simply because I didn’t want to hear the screams that Tommy surely would have emitted if I had tossed his green friend into the street. I told him through clenched teeth that plants don’t NEED a bed and to please not do that ever again.

Tommy also put a few marigold seeds in the spaghetti sauce. He said that they’d taste good because he mistook them for sunflower seeds. So now I’m petrified that we’re all going to be shitting marigolds in a few days. If we see each other again and a flower is coming out of my ass, well, you’ll know what happened.

Natalie has clearly lost her shit. She’ll tell me that she needs to use the potty and I’ll get all excited but she won’t do a thing on it. She’ll sit for two seconds and then run off stark naked and take a crap on the floor. I’m not joking. SHE TOOK A CRAP ON THE FLOOR! Our daughter is part monkey, I swear it.

Natalie also likes dressing herself which means it takes an hour for her to get ready. She’ll slowly put on her shirt but she can’t figure out all the holes yet so she’ll try and push her head through the arm hole and if I dare tell her that it’s wrong she’ll turn into Linda Blair and throw a ten minute fit. So I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut. It’s just easier that way.

The only bright spot in all of this is that I get the bed to myself. I’m sorry, but you might have to sleep on the couch when you get home. I love stretching out. I love resting my arm on your abandoned pillow. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to share again.

So I will see you next month and don’t be offended if the second I see you I give you a quick kiss, deposit Natalie into your arms, push Tommy in your direction and take off towards the hills. I swear, I’ll be back. I just need a few days of silence.

June can’t come soon enough.

Oh, and yeah, I love you.

Amber, Tommy and Natalie