Paranormal Activity

“I’m scared,” I admitted to my husband Tom before I left. I slung my purse over my shoulder and grabbed the car keys off the counter.

“It’s just pretend,” Tom reminded me.

I took a deep breath before I left. “Right. It’s just pretend.”

I was on my way to pick up a friend. Then we were headed to see Paranormal Activity. See, I love ghost movies. But they always freak me out. I suppose it would be best for me to avoid films with ghosts but I can’t help it. I’m intrigued.

And as for the friend? Well, I met her online. Tom says this is typical of me since I’m such a hermit. I don’t consider myself a hermit. I’m just shy. It’s not easy for me to approach someone and start a conversation. I envy those who can easily do it but I am not one of those people.

The friend and I met at the park a few days prior to the movie. Tom was nervous about this.

“Suppose she kidnaps you?” he said. He thinks everyone on the Internet has evil intentions. He watches too many cop shows.

“She won’t kidnap me, Tom,” I assured him.

“Suppose she kidnaps Natalie?”

“We’re on a military base, Tom. We’ll be okay,” I said.

“Maybe you should bring a weapon. Just in case,” Tom said. He tried to stick his pocket knife into my purse but I moved it away.

“Tom! I’ll be fine!” I shrieked, lifting my purse over my head.

And I was fine. She was perfectly normal. Her name is Amanda and she has two kids of her own.

Of course it was my daughter who threw a colossal fit when it was time to leave the park. It’s like, “Hi, nice to meet you. Don’t mind my daughter’s lungs.”

Then it came time to see the movie. I was thrilled to get out minus children. When I backed out of our driveway I was tempted to shout, “I’m free! I’m free!” But I didn’t. I just thought it.

Amanda and I had a lot of talk about. I kept reminding myself not to act like a complete dork. Sometimes I can say the strangest things. Like one time I went, “It’s too bad you can’t put muzzles on children,” and I was TOTALLY joking but the chick I was talking to looked absolutely horrified that I would even say something like that. Some people just don’t get my humor. Or my sarcasm. So I really do try to tone it down until a person gets to know me.

Then the movie started and I was instantly nervous. I kept reminding myself that the movie was not real. At first I was all, “And if it’s a nice ghost then it’s okay…”

But of course it wasn’t a nice ghost. It was a demon ghost.

I nearly choked on my diet coke when I found this out. A DEMON ghost?

I didn’t understand why the couple slept with the lights off. I’m sorry, but if I were being haunted by a DEMON GHOST I’d keep all the lights on. But they kept flicking off the lights.

I closed my eyes a few times. I did not want to see the demon ghost.

Then the main male character yelled something like, “Show yourself!” I was all, “For the love of chocolate, DON’T show yourself! I don’t wanna see a demon ghost!”

The movie sort of abruptly ended. From the corner of my eye I noticed some teenaged theater workers sauntering in, ready to clean up. I was thinking, “How rude! The movie isn’t over yet…” but then I realized that it was.

It’s just, the movie didn’t have credits rolling and such. It just…ended.

And yes, I was creeped out on how it ended.

When I got home Tom asked me how it was.

“I’m freaked out,” I admitted.

I swore a demon ghost was breathing on me. It just turned out to be the vent. But still.

I swore there were ghost eyes in the corner, watching me.

It was just the cat.

“What’s THAT?” I shrieked as I climbed into bed.

“The toilet,” Tom said tiredly.

Well, in my defense, in the dark it looked quite sinister.

“Oh no, attack of the commode,” Tom said, his eyes closed.

I heard weird thumps. In the movie, the ghost made a lot of noise.

It was a long night.

I think my next movie is going to be a happy one.

That way I don’t start to think that the dresser is a gigantic ghost who wants to eat me.