My Dear Letters

It's time for another installment of My Dear Letters!
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Dear Packages That Say That They Have An Easy Open,

Please don’t lie. When I see the word ‘easy open’ I expect it to be just that. So why do I end up struggling to open the easy open more often than not? The package of cheese I had was harder to get into than Fort Knox! I had to resort to scissors. So please. Make it EASY OPEN for real. Thanks.

Signed,
A Maybe She’s Just A Weakling,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

That was me PURRING last night. I was trying to be sexy. I was not neighing like a horse! I was being a cat! A purring sexy cat. NOT a horse. Get your ears checked.

Signed,
A Trying To Be Sexy,
Amber

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Dear novel,

I wish finish you! I admit, I nearly gave up on you. But then I remembered my favorite quote from the movie A League of Their Own. “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everyone would do it. The hard is what makes it great.” I realized that I couldn’t give up. So I’m still writing you. And I think I’m nearly done.

Signed,
A Just Following Her Dreams,
Amber

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Dear Folgers commercial where the girl sticks a bow on her brother,

I know I’m supposed to be moved by you but I’m not. I’m a little creeped out that a sister would stick a bow on her brother. I suppose I’d get it if they were boyfriend and girlfriend. But siblings? Maybe I’ve just grown cynical. Who knows?

Signed,
A Weirded Out,
Amber

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Dear people who write the script for chick flicks,

Please stop making characters say ‘I love you’ after only a few days have passed. For instance, in The Proposal are we really supposed to believe that Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds suddenly love each other after hating each other for so long? And in The Ugly Truth , you want us to believe that the two characters are suddenly in love? Please. Let’s start being more realistic here.

Signed,
A That’s Not Really How Love Works,
Amber


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Dear zit on the end of my nose,

Why do you always appear around this time of year? Is it a joke between the zit gods? Do they sit around and go, “Ha, let’s form a zit on the end of Amber’s nose so she can be just like Rudolph!” Not funny, zit gods. Not funny.

Signed,
A Not Amused,
Amber