I had walked into the living room that I had just picked up a few minutes before to find it covered with toys again. A bowl of Cheerios was strewn all over the carpet. I threw my hands in the air and shrieked, “How am I supposed to keep this house clean?”
Then the phone rang. It was Tom letting me know that he’d be coming home soon.
“Are you okay?” he wondered, noticing my wobbly voice.
“No. I’m not okay. No one listens to me in the house. Not even the cat! Natalie got a hold of the toothpaste and squeezed it all over the bathroom. She’s refusing to eat and I swear she calls me mean names under her breath. She keeps taking off her clothes and when I attempted to put them back on her she tried to bi—aye…aye…te me,” I wailed. A few frustrated tears dripped down my cheeks.
I think Tom was sorry that he asked.
“Well,” he said cautiously. He could tell I was in one of my moods where I can twist anything he says and turn it into an insult towards me. “Maybe when I get back you should go out.”
“Are you kicking me out of the house?” I demanded. First my daughter tries to bite me and now my husband was kicking me out of the house. But then I thought about this….I could get out of the house. Alone. Without kids. I could…shop in peace. “Actually, that sounds great. Kohls is having a sale,” I sniffled.
I love Kohls. I’m even a MVC (most valued customer.)
So the second Tom walked through the door, I practically ran out of the house. I went, “Bye, love you!” over my shoulder and leaped into the car before he could change his mind.
As I walked towards the entrance of Kohls, I took a deep breath of fresh air, relishing in the fact that I was alone. Of course after I took that deep breath I sneezed and coughed because I probably inhaled dust or something. But still.
The second I strolled through the front doors a worker greeted me. I nearly grabbed a cart with a seat attached to it because I’m so used to plopping Natalie in there.
“Whoops. I won’t be needing that one. It’s just me today. It’s just me,” I said, grabbing a regular cart.
The teenaged worker appeared to be a tad startled. “Okay?” she said, backing away as though she thought I was going to swing my purse at her. She doesn’t understand now but she will when she has kids, mark my words.
I headed for the clearance racks first and found a pair of size 3 shorts for three bucks. Three bucks! And okay, I’m not exactly size 3. I’m a size 5 on a good day. But for three bucks, surely I could squeeze my ass into a size 3.
Um. Wrong.
For starters, I could barely pull the things up. I grunted to the point where I think the other people in the changing room thought that I was taking a dump. But I wasn’t going to let a pair of three dollar shorts defeat me. No sir.
“I will get you on!” I muttered, yanking determinedly at the fabric. And then, okay, I heard a little bit of a rip so I knew I’d have to buy them anyhow. I finally did get the things over my hips but then I wasn’t able to button them. I heaved in my gut and it didn’t work. So then I sat down on the bench and took a deep breath and managed to slip the button through the hole.
“I did it!” I gasped out.
I gasped because I couldn’t fully breathe properly. But breathing is overrated, right? I think the shorts may have caused permanent damage on my bladder. But who cares? Size 3!
And okay, when I had the shorts on I had a pinched expression on my face as though something was wedged up my butt—and technically, the material was wedged up my butt since there is so much of my butt these days thanks to Halloween candy…
But maybe the shorts will inspire me to lose weight. When I look at them I’ll be all, “Do I want to be able to wear these comfortably during the summer? Do I want to end up on PeopleofWalmart.com? Because I’ll end up on PeopleofWalmart.com if I were to wear these in the state that I’m in now. And I cannot end up on that site because then people will be all, “Hey! Where do I know you from?” and I’ll say hopefully, “Well, I do write a blog…” and they’ll say, “No! You were on PeopleofWalmart.com! You were the chick with her ass hanging out of a pair of shorts that were really too small for her.”
I can’t bring that humiliation to this family. I just can’t.
So when it gets closer to warm weather, I’ll have to force myself in the gym. And I’ll have to only allow myself one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup a day. Maybe two. Three at the max.
It took a few minutes to take the shorts back off. Then I went to the children’s section and found these ultra adorable panda pajamas for Natalie. Sure she may have enough pajamas but these had pandas on them and they were 60% off. I also picked up a pair of Christmas pajamas for Tommy as well as a pair of jeans. He had 8 pairs of pants at the beginning of the school year and now he’s down to 4. This is because he plays rough and the knees of the pants get all white and holey and I just can’t send him to school in pants like that even though Tom says that no one cares.
I also bought new pillows for our couch because our current ones have weird stains all over them.
When I returned home, I walked in with this gigantic bag that looked as though I had bought half the store. And I didn’t, I swear! It was just because the cashier had stuffed everything in one bag with my permission. I do try to Go Green and all. I should bring my own bags in but sometimes I forget to put on my pants so let’s be honest, I doubt I’d even remember to bring my own bags inside the store.
“How much did you buy?” Tom demanded. His eyes practically bugged out of his head.
“Don’t worry. It’s the couch pillows,” I explained, pulling them out.
“The COUCH pillows?” Tom was agog. He smacked our current stained ones. “We have couch pillows.”
“Those are stained and they smell like old cheese. These are fresh non-stained couch pillows,” I said, rubbing my palm against them.
Tom’s brows were still furrowed. “What else did you get?”
I pulled out the ultra adorable panda pajamas. “Panda pajamas!’ I cooed. Natalie rushed over and hugged them to her chest.
“I thought she had pajamas?” Tom wondered.
“Not ones with pandas on them. And plus, they were 60% off. I practically had to buy them.”
Tom didn’t look convinced.
“Thank you for letting me shop in peace,” I said kindly. I plopped down on his lap and started running my hand over his scalp. (I say scalp because he shaves his head. It feels weird massaging a scalp with no hair. I’m just saying..) This usually always makes him forget that he’s cross with me.
Tom started gazing at me lovingly. I thought he was going to say something romantic like, “Of course. You deserved it. You work so hard here keeping the house clean, folding my undies, making the beds….” But instead he leaned over and whispered, “Does this mean we’re having sex tonight?”
Oh geez.
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