So I Finally Saw Rocky

I think it was a reference made on Family Guy that made me say it.

It was something about the Rocky movies and I said to Tom, “I’ve never really seen any of the Rocky movies. I’ve seen bits of the first one but that’s it.”

Tom was horrified.

I think his mouth even dropped open in shock.

It was like I announced that there was no such thing as Megan Fox.

“You’ve never,” Tom said, scrambling to find the proper words. “You’ve never seen the Rocky movies?”

“Um. No?”

“Why?” he breathed. He seriously seemed concerned, as if a person could not function without ever witnessing Sylvester Stallone boxing.

“It’s not my type of movie,” I explained with a shrug. A lot of my movies involve a man and a woman getting together, splitting up, walking down the street while a depressing song wails in the background, and then getting back together.

Tom wasn’t the only guy baffled as to why I had never seen Sylvester Stallone shout, “Yo, Adrian!” When we came through the military base, Tom said to the gate guard, “My wife has never seen the Rocky movies, can you believe that?” as he handed over our ID cards.

The gate guard had that same stunned expression that Tom did when he found out this news. “You haven’t seen Sly as Rocky? What’s wrong with you?”

“Don’t worry, she’ll watch the movie, dude,” Tom assured him and the gate guard visibly relaxed. (!) “She’ll watch them all, except for part 5, which sucked.”

The gate guard shook his head. “No, dude, you can’t say that about Sly.”

“I love all the other movies but part 5 sucked,” Tom repeated. “I won’t have my wife watching such crap.”

It was like I was no longer there. I wanted to wave my hand and go, “Hi! When did I even agree to watch part ONE?”

“Part 5 wasn’t as good as the others, I give you that, but it’s still entertaining. She needs to watch Part 5, it’s important,” the gate guard said solemnly.

It is?

As we pulled away Tom went, “You don’t need to watch part 5. Trust me.”

Anyway, I made the mistake of buying Tom the entire Rocky collection for Christmas and guess what he said after he unwrapped the DVDs?

“Now you’ll get to see the magic of Rocky!”

Oh. Fun.

I mean, I guess it’s payback since I made him watch Bridesmaids with me. I still find the movie hilarious. Tom did not. Several times during the movie he was like, “When does this get good?” Being that he’s a cop, the only bits he liked involved the cop.

We settled down to watch the first Rocky movie on Friday.

“Does someone die in this?” I asked. I like to be prepared if someone is going to die. I did watch Million Dollar Baby and was stunned at the end. Why did no one tell me? I’m one of those people who wants to know what’s going to happen so I can PREPARE MYSELF. I am incredibly emotional and probably get too tied up in the characters.

“Not in this Rocky,” Tom responded.

“So someone eventually dies?”

“Maybe,” he said mysteriously.

Oh for—I could Google the answer if I wanted. But I won’t. I promised Tom that I wouldn’t. (Still, I think Apollo dies because he let it slip. But then he was like, “Oh, DOES he die?” and I went, “You just said he died!” and he went, “Does he?” Honestly, it was like conversing with Anne Heche when she went through her meltdown about being an alien.)

The movie was...

...well, honestly it wasn’t bad.

It turns out there WAS a love story entwined in the plot.

Rocky had it bad for a woman named Adrian who wore awful glasses but then shed the glasses halfway through when she started believing in herself. Just as Rocky started believing in himself.

“Adrian doesn’t die does she?” I wondered.

“I don’t know. DOES she?”

Ugh, why did I even bother?

Towards the end of the film Rocky is all ready to box the champion Apollo who is like the Michael Phelps of boxing. Before the big fight he finds out that he’s basically just there to fight Apollo for a show because no one believes he’ll actually win so he walks home with a sad song playing in the background—just like in the movies I like!

Then it was time for the big fight and I said, “Adrian must be worried sick!” and Tom gave me a Look because I guess one isn’t supposed to speak during the Big Fight.

But really, I’d be terrified if Tom went to box a champion.

Rocky actually does pretty well in the Big Fight. He even knocks Apollo down and Apollo is all shocked like, “WTF? This guy was just supposed to be a show!”

Man, by the end of it all, both guys looked like I do when I’ve only had a couple of hours of sleep.

The press kept trying to interview Rocky at the end, asking how he felt (which was a dumb question, it looked like his face was melting off so how did they THINK he felt?) and all Rocky was doing was shouting, “Adrian! ADRIAN!” and I said to Tom, “Aww, it’s like an ending to the movies I like. Would you ever shout for me like that?”

Tom gave me another Look.

What?

It’s romantic.

Adrian pushed her way through the crowd and she got to Rocky and they embraced and were like, “I love you, I love you!” and you think that the next scene will be of them getting married...

...but no, the movie rudely just ENDED.

“So, I’m confused,” I said to Tom as the credits rolled.

“What’s there to be confused about?”

“Do they get married?”

“Amber. Rocky, who was the underdog and who got ready to fight in only FIVE WEEKS, totally beat a champion’s ass and you’re concerned if he GETS MARRIED?”

Um.

Yes?

Isn’t that what most people were concerned about?

I mean, when a man shouts a woman’s name like that, it would be the honorable thing if he married her.

We’ll be watching Rocky 2 soon because I need to make sure Rocky did the right thing by Adrian.

And, you know, to see if Apollo dies.

Or becomes Rocky’s best friend because Tom let it slip that this is what happens and I don’t understand how.

Oh no. I think I like the Rocky movies.

(Except part 5. Apparently...)