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Dear my Showtime OnDemand,
I'm miffed that you still have not released the latest Tudors yet. Everyone else around me seems to have already watched it. What's up? Is it because we're in Wyoming? Look, I know Wyoming isn't as important as California and New York, but hello, we have Yellowstone. That should account for something.
Signed,
A-really-wants-to-see-Henry's-butt,
Amber
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Dear Wyoming Winds,
Hi. It's me again. Thank you ever so much for rattling my windows the entire night and freaking my daughter out. I really just love waking up at two in the morning. Please, I'm begging you, go bug Georgia or something.
Signed,
A-sick-of-being-blown-over,
Amber
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Dear Natalie,
Sweetheart, I know you want to walk. I'm sorry that you can't right now. It's not my fault. Okay, well, maybe it is. What with genetics and all. Plus I was a late walker. You'll get there, I promise. Please stop yelling at me. And while we're at it, stop biting my nipples! It's not cute. When Mommy shrieks OUCH it means that it HURTS.
Signed,
A-poor-abused-Momma,
Amber
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Dear white car that was riding my arse this morning,
Wasn't that hilarious when I slowed down from 30 (the speed limit on the base) to 20? Sorry, but you're not allowed to get that close to a car. Don't you remember driver's education? You're supposed to give the length of two cars. If you follow me like that again, I'll slow down to 10.
Signed,
A-don't-like-seeing-the-front-of-a-car-close-to-mine,
Amber
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Dear Max,
I'm sorry that Tommy placed his lollipop on you like that. I asked him why he did it and he explained that he was finished with it and that you seemed to be a good place to set it. I explained that you were a cat not a place to leave leftover food.
I know this insulted you and that you weren't pleased to smell like butterscotch for the rest of the night.
It is why I gave you extra treats.
Signed,
A-sorry-Max-I-really-am,
Amber
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Dear all the Entertainment Shows out there,
If I have to see a clip of Paula Abdul messing up on American Idol ONE MORE TIME I'm going to scream. We get it. She messed up. Stop rehashing it, she's probably embarrassed enough.
Signed,
A-sick-of-seeing-Paula,
Amber
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Dear Lost writers,
Once again, I'm confused. Thanks ever so much. What I'm gathering from all the confusion is that the island is some sort of time warp? Yes? I've always thought that the island was the Bermuda Triangle or something. Am I close?
I really wish I were friends with one of you so I could pick your brains. And be all, "Oh and then Charlie can come back from the dead because the island is magical and stuff.."
I think I'd be kicked out after saying that.
Signed,
A-baffled-but-still-loves-the-show,
Amber
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Dear Rachel Ray,
Your recipes confuse me. It's not a good idea to have ingredients that are an entire printed page long. Some of your ingredients I've never even heard of. Please just come cook for me or cook and then overnight your food to Wyoming. Oh and I think it was cool that you had Rosie O'Donnell on today. I actually like her.
Signed,
A-wish-I-knew-what-arrabbiata-was,
Amber
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Dear Tom,
Could you please not talk when I'm obviously watching a TV show? I really was trying to watch Oprah yesterday since the cast of Sex and the City were on. I don't care if you think the mole on Sarah Jessica Parker's face is scary. Yes, I see they try to cover it with makeup and they aren't doing a good job. Yes, I know you're sick of the audience shrieking after every word that they say, I am too. I don't get why girls do that either. But HUSH. I am TRYING to LISTEN!
Signed,
An-I'm-totally-going-to-see-the-movie-and-leave-you-with-the-kids,
Amber
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