You No Help!

First of all, Tommy got a math t-shirt at school for being able to count and write to 21.

I was so proud of him. Tommy acted like it was no big deal when he strolled through the front door in his new t-shirt.

"Tommy!" I exclaimed. "You got the math t-shirt!"

I knew about it because the teacher had sent a letter home stating that they’d randomly be asking the children to count and write to 21. And the ones who were able to would receive a free t-shirt.

Awesome.

Tommy just shrugged and went, "I guess."

Then he told me they took his picture. Which I knew they did because at the school they have a board of star math students.

I had to go to Wal-Mart to get a gate.

I placed it in front of the bathroom and stairs. Natalie seemed a little insulted.

I also bought Bee Movie which Tommy said was "very weird."

I also got August Rush from Netflix. It looked interesting.

Then I had to go grocery shopping.

While we were there Natalie was admired by a number of people.

This sweet old Korean lady came right up to her and touched her arm.

Natalie instantly got her, "Who the hell are youuuu?" look and burst into (very loud) tears.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she hollared as the Korean lady clutched her heart and backed up in surprise.

Then down another aisle this old lady approached her and got too close for Natalie’s comfort.

"Well hello sweet baby. Hello," the old lady cooed. "You are just so preci--"

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Natalie cut her off and looked absolutely horrified.

The old lady’s eyes flew open in surprise. "I’m so sorry," she said looking at me. "I thought she was sweet."

This made me snicker.

She thought Natalie was sweet.

I suppose Natalie screaming her head off makes her not so sweet.

The final offense came from an old man. (I guess old people just love babies today.) He crouched down so he was looking right into Natalie’s eyes.

"Look how pretty. Look how pretty you ar--" he began.

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" I think at this point Natalie was thinking, "Holy crap, come on people, piss off!"

I really am thinking about taping a sign to her that reads: "Hello. I’m Natalie. Strangers scare me. Please remain at least 10 feet away."

She doesn’t mind if people admire her from afar. When we were in line this couple behind us were making faces at her and she smiled back at them. If they came any closer I think we’d have another crying match on our hands.

I ended up spending $111 on groceries.

Oops.

I may as well give up on spending $50. I always walk in thinking, "Okay I’m only going to spend $50," and then I’m surprised when I’m given the total amount.

Also at the commissary there are baggers who wheel out your groceries to the car for you.

I always feel like I should help them when we get to the car. They load all the groceries in for you too.

But I feel awkward just standing there staring and I always want to reach over and help. Which proves that I could never have a housekeeper because I’d inevitably join in and they’d probably look at me in astonishment. I could never be rich and let people do things for me. I’d just feel very very strange.

Anyhow today I did try to start helping and the woman looked highly insulted. In fact she slapped my hand away in surprise.

"You no help!" she barked.

(She was from Guam I think. I heard her chatting with another bagger saying she missed Guam.)

"I’m sorry," I said stunned that this sweet old lady had nearly taken my hand off. (I suppose that’s how people feel when Natalie suddenly shrieks at them.)

The bagger wagged a finger at me. "You no help," she repeated. "I do all. You no help."

"Okay. I won’t. I just always feel weird just standing here and.."

"YOU NO HELP!"

"OKAY!" I held my hands up in surrender and gestured to my right. "I’ll just stand right here."

I gave her a $5 tip. Normally I only give $3 but to be perfectly honest, she scared me a little bit.

I was worried if I tried to give her $3 she’d open my trunk and throw a bag full of groceries at me or something.

"You give lousy tips!" she’d shout as I tried my damndest not to be hit by flying crackers.

When we got home I offered Natalie some diced peaches that I had bought in hopes that she’d actually eat "people" food.

She did not.

She simply played with the pieces along her highchair tray. She’d push one along with her index finger and then look at me with glee.

Look at this slimy thing!

"Natalie, precious, you’re supposed to EAT it," I’d remind her.

"EEEEE!" she responded and tossed a handful on the ground.

*Le sigh*

My daughter is just going to be uber skinny is all.

I also dared to try and give her a turkey and green bean jar food.

She flipped out. You’d think I had fed her the contents of her diaper on a spoon or something.

She howled in anger and then slammed her hands down on the highchair tray for emphasis.

You.fed.me.crappy.food.You.fed.me.crappy.food.

"Mommy is sorry," I said over the banging and screeching.

She is going to be a fun teenager, really.