My Dear Letters

Was running around most of the day so this entry is late.

So I'm doing Dear letters.

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Dear Network Execs,

Could you please please PLEASE strike a deal with the writers? I miss my shows. Stop being greedy little bastards and give them what they want. There would be no shows without the writers. So what if it means you'll have to go with less money. Deal with it.

Signed,
A-please-bring-my-shows-back,
Amber

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Dear lady who was smoking in the car and then threw the cigarette out the window and THEN didn't bother to use your turn signal,

People like you make me SICK. First of all, smoking in your car is disgusting. The smell gets all over the place. Second, I'm sorry, but Wyoming is not your personal trash can. How dare you just throw your cigarette butt out the window like that? And next time you want to rapidly turn when you're in front of me, use your turn signal.

Signed,
A-I-hate-drivers-like-you,
Amber

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Dear Target Shoppers,

Guess what? I found a bunch of toys for 75% off. And clothes. So run to your nearest Target and find a deal!

Signed,
A-Target-rocks,
Amber

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Dear book agents,

Please, could you take a chance on me? I really need an agent. I want to get a book published. I know I don't have a college degree but I'm working on it. I swear I'm literate. My grammar might be frightening at times but I do know a lot. I'm also very polite. I wouldn't scream at you if you didn't get me a lot of money. I don't care about that. I just want my work out there. That's all.

Signed,
A-would-you-take-a-chance-on-me?
Amber

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Dear chocolate,

Could you please taste like sawdust for awhile? That way I won't want to eat you and I could lose these last 5 pounds. While we're at it, can McDonalds taste like sawdust too? That would help a lot.

Signed,
A-have-no-willpower,
Amber

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Dear Henry VIII,

You should be ashamed. You treated your wives like crap. Your poor first wife, Katherine, you cast aside just because she couldn't give you an heir and you wanted to stick your cadoodle in Anne Boleyn. Shame on you. Then you sent her off into a dank and dirty castle even though you knew she was sick. You let her die there and she was nothing but loving towards you.

Then came Anne Boleyn. Sure she had a quick tongue. But you deserved it. Women were treated horribly back then, what do you expect? If all you were around for was breeding and to give your family more social status, you'd be a bit pissed off too. Beheading her was wrong. She did not sleep with her brother. That's disgusting. She gave you Elizabeth, who went on to be a wonderful Queen.

After that you married Jane Seymour. You married her ten days after Anne was beheaded. Have you no shame? Jane Seymour popped out a boy for you. There, you happy? But then Jane died and you were sad. Maybe it was Karma for treating Katherine like crap and beheading Anne.

Then you decided, hey, I'm lonely, I need another wife. So after seeing a photo of Anne of Cleves you thought, dude, she's hot, I'll marry her. But when you SAW her in the flesh you were repulsed. Excuse me? She repulsed YOU? At this time you were horribly fat and had a disgusting sore on your leg that stank. At least you didn't behead her.

Jesus man, then you decided you wanted Catherine Howard. She was what, fifteen? That's yucky. You were in your forties at this time. What would a fifteen-year-old want with a fat, stinking old man? But you thought you were in love and married her. Then you realized she was cheating on you and got your panties in a bunch. Oh wait, I don't think panties were around then. Your HOSE got up in a bunch. You beheaded her too.

Finally came Catherine Parr. Your final wife. Who you probably would have beheaded had you not finally croaked.

Ahh Henry VIII. You interest me but man, you were a cranky old dude.

Signed,
A-Henry VIII-fanatic,
Amber

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Dear Tom,

Yes I know I bought Gymboree even though I said I wouldn't until GBR. But you have to see, I bought another piece for the outfit. A cardigan. It goes with the outfit. You have to understand that girl outfits are different from boys. There are other pieces that go with our outfits. It was only $12.

Plus, I see you spent $18 at Papa Johns last night. How can one man spend $18? We spend $18 there as a family. Did you eat an entire pizza yourself?

Signed,
An-addicted-to-Gymboree,
Amber

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Dear Wyoming Winds,

Please piss off for awhile. Go bug Tennessee or something.

Signed,
A-sick-of-having-windblown-hair,
Amber

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Dear Military Channel,

I hate you. You're boring. I don't care to spend an hour watching about the inner workings of a tank. I mean who cares? So long as it moves when you turn it on, shouldn't that be enough?

Signed,
A-you-can-go-away,
Amber